How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC Your Own ...

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5506
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
54658078
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

My husband does everything for us, or so he says. He constantly

Customer Question

My husband does everything for us, or so he says. He constantly tells me that he does it all and that I contribute nothing. He does pay all the bills, do his laundry (I do mine) and do the shopping and cook. I did try and cook a couple of meals, but he really didn't eat them and he loves to cook. With that said he cooks about once a week. He also makes about 250,000 a year and I make about 35,000 a year. We got married late in life but have known each other our whole lives. He is 54 and I am 49. He was never married before, I was married twice before (to addicts/my family is full of them so I guess I married my Father as they say). I just feel belittled. I clean our home and have kept it nice since I moved in 2 years ago - it was trashed when I moved in - and it is beautiful now. We don't have sex - I told him that I need some romance and his response is "why do I have to do it all?" He told me that he expects me to "take care of my man" whether I am in the mood or not. I don't know what to do - yes he does do the majority of everything - but he is not doing anything more than he did the 54 years before I moved in. And now he has a good wife that tells him constantly how thankful she if for everything he does. I give him cards and goofy little presents all the time and tell him how much I appreciate him. Doesn't matter. Help, I am so distressed!
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like your husband has a skewed view of your role and his role in your marriage. His comment about you "taking care of your man" tells you a lot. He seems to expect that your role is to be there totally for him and that should be your only focus. Yet he insists on doing everything himself then blames you for having "to do it all". He is basically sending you mixed signals then blaming you for his feelings as a result instead of seeing you as a couple that shares in the marriage.

If you have been in relationships before with men who were addicts, then you may recognize some of the same personality traits in your husband. Self centeredness, blame and poor treatment are common. This may indicate that you are experiencing low self esteem and feel you do not deserve to be treated better.

It also sounds like your husband might be emotionally abusive. Blaming and saying hurtful things as well as expecting you to conform to his needs are all signs. He wants your marriage to be the way he feels it should be without including your feelings or treating you as a person.

What you can do is suggest counseling. Because your husband may not see these issues as his fault, he may refuse to go. And if he does, go without him. You mentioned trying counseling before and not going back. But you may not have had the right therapist to help you. Try asking your doctor for a referral. Or you can search on line for someone with experience in personality disorders and emotionally abusive men. Here is a link to help you:
http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php

It would also help to learn more about emotional abuse so you know the signs and can respond to protect yourself. Here are some resources to get you started:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200808/effects-emotional-abuse-it-hurts-when -i-love

http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/?page_id=168

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

The more you know, the more you can break the pattern of abuse and either help yourself in the marriage or decide if you need to leave.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

He did go with me to the therapist but he is reluctant to open up. Am I wrong? He does pay all the bills, etc. but I feel so low when he tells me that he does it all. Besides therapy, which I will go to, what can I do right now??? We had a big blow up 2 nights ago and have not talked since. I don't know what to say or how to act when he gets home tonight. Please help.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
No you are not wrong. He is wrong here because he tries to convince you that you are not doing anything in the marriage and he does it all. Then he tells you about it. That is intended to hurt you and does not help you as a couple.

You cannot change who he is. Only he can do that. You can try to talk to him and see if he is willing to work this out. But his attitude will not change nor the fact that he blames you until he decides he is willing to do his part to make things better between you. That leaves you to react the best you can do what he does. The best thing to do right now is to try to be civil yet protect yourself from his behavior. Be nice but don't give more than that until you know he is not going to try to hurt you again. The key here is realizing that he is at fault and he is the one hurting you, not the other way around. If you try to fix this and take the blame, he will continue to act as he does and you will not be able to get what you need from the relationship.

Kate







May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5506
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

One last question. Two nights ago I got a card that told my husband what a good man he is and I gave him a chocolate rose. We starting arguing over something petty, I don't even remember what it was. I started to cry and told him that I couldn't handle us arguing all the time over little things, he agreed. We started what I thought would be a conversation about what we could do to stop it. I really do feel like he is trying to get out of this rut too, but then it goes bad. Our conversation then went to the subject of us not having sex. He told me he needs sex and I responded that I do too, but I have to be in the mood. That is when he again said, "why do I have to do it all? In my final response to him I told him what a great man he is, how I adore him and love him more than anything, but if by doing it all means bringing the romance and he won't do it than we shouldn't be together. He told me all that he heard is that he does it all and we shouldn't be together. Then he went to his computer, paid off a 7000 credit card bill for me and came into our spare room (where I was by this time holed up with the dogs) and told me "I paid off a 7000 Visa bill for you a couple of days ago (lie - he did it moments earlier) I don't expect a thank you, but some gratitude would be nice." So, do I thank him for this? There has got to be some sort of personality type that he falls under and I really want my marriage to work, but I don't know how to deal with it anymore. I have seen him do this to his family as well. He helps them out financially and then holds it against them. I did read the article in Psychology Today. If there is any other article that deals with how to deal with this personality type I would love it if you could direct me to it. Your help is huge and I really need it - Thank You.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
While I cannot diagnose your husband without seeing him face to face (it is unethical), it certainly sounds like he has a personality disorder possibly narcissism or borderline.

http://www.nmha.org/go/information/get-info/personality-disorders

You can thank him for paying off the Visa if you want. But you may want to ask yourself to what end? He seems to continually want more and more adoration and gratefulness from you and is never happy with what he gets. Plus, it is completely his choice if he pays off your card or not. He doesn't not have to if he is unhappy with your response to him. And you can certainly let him know that. He may not respond well, but he is not giving you much choice in the situation.

Kate





I would be more than happy to continue working with you on any new questions you have. All I ask is that you remember to rate my answers for each new/different question you ask. Thanks!

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education