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Bill, LCSW, Consultant, Expert Witness
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3705
Experience:  35 years treating individuals, couples, families with mental health and substance abuse prob's
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Im a bi-romantic asexual thats not out to anyone in my life

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I'm a bi-romantic asexual that's not out to anyone in my life and am at an age where I would like to get married and just "blend in" by marrying a guy. The trouble is, every time I try to enter into a relationship with someone, I feel like I want to just take off and run away as soon as they try to get close because I know something physical is eventually going to come into the picture.

I have a friend who's interested in me and, if I were straight, he'd be the exact kind of guy I'd choose to marry. But I don't know how to tell him I can't get myself to be in the same place as him, relationship-wise, without hurting his feelings or complicating matters. I'm not sure how else to approach this issue, but an online support network I posted this issue about originally told me to discuss the issue with a therapist (and I can't go to one in person without "outing" myself), so here I am.

Any advice/help would be much appreciated. Thanks!
Hello- Thank you for asking the question. I have over 30 years of experience working with individuals, couples and families & am happy to reply.

I am sorry to hear about your distress with this issue. It is a very common issue in todays society as there is more openness about this and similar issues that previously were not even discussed so I applaud you on your ability to talk about this as it is in talking and processing this dilemma that you will find the right path forward.

I always tell people that sexual identity is NOT identity at is only an aspect of ones complete identity as we are all complex beings and too many people get hung up on this issue when they feel that they have to pigeon hole themselves and make a pre-mature decision about sexual commitment.

You are still about your own sexuality as related to your future and that is perfectly ok. You at least know where you stand. This can be more difficult for Bi romantic attraction as it more conflicting.

The truth is that we all have attraction at different levels to other PEOPLE -regardless of their gender.

If you are anxious about being open with who you are and have anxiety about "outing" yourself- it is a signal that you still need to gain more insight and understand the origins of this and therapy unless you can find others in peer groups that accept and respect your confidentiality, see a therapist for some short term work will help you get past the impasse that you are now confronting.

I have worked with many people with issues similar to those you express. I always find that the bulk of the work usually goes back to family of origin issues, early child imprinting (or belief systems) about what is good and bad etc and through unraveling these issues and coming to accept yourself as a 28 adult you will have much more clarity, content and direction in dealing with this identity issue.

Therapists operate under confidential agreement and you have to take the risk of using therapy to resolve this issue. Otherwise, it is unlikely you will gain lasting benefit as the strength of your resistance is often a barometer of that which is unresolved on an internal level.

If you send me your Zip Code- I can identify experts in your area that can help you with this.

I also recommend you read the book:

Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women's Love and Desire
by :Lisa Diamond


"Is love “blind” when it comes to gender? For women, it just might be. This unsettling and original book offers a radical new understanding of the context-dependent nature of female sexuality. Lisa M. Diamond argues that for some women, love and desire are not rigidly heterosexual or homosexual but fluid, changing as women move through the stages of life, various social groups, and, most important, different love relationships.

This perspective clashes with traditional views of sexual orientation as a stable and fixed trait. But that view is based on research conducted almost entirely on men. Diamond is the first to study a large group of women over time. She has tracked one hundred women for more than ten years as they have emerged from adolescence into adulthood. She summarizes their experiences and reviews research ranging from the psychology of love to the biology of sex differences. Sexual Fluidity offers moving first-person accounts of women falling in and out of love with men or women at different times in their lives. For some, gender becomes irrelevant: “I fall in love with the person, not the gender,” say some respondents.

Sexual Fluidity offers a new understanding of women’s sexuality—and of the central importance of love."


I look forward to hearing from you-and am happy to help.


Kindest regards,




I appreciate your Positive Rating so that I receive Credit for my time.



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