How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC Your Own ...

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5417
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I hope I am asking the right kind of professional - I have

Resolved Question:

I hope I am asking the right kind of professional - I have a relationship question. I have been in a relationship with a man for 12 years and he still has not introduced me to his children or even told them that I exist. During the first six years, he was separated (not legally) from his wife but living next door in another house they owned so he could see his children daily. For the last six years he has been legally separated but not divorced and lives in a house about two miles from his ex-wife. His children are ages 28, 26, 24 and 17. He says his wife wouldn't let him pick up his 17-year-old daughter and take her to school daily and would give him a generally difficult time if she knew he has a girlfriend. Also, he says our relationship has been rocky (because of this very issue) and he doesn't want to tell his children he's in a relationship, only to tell them that we've broken up. I say all of this is completely bogus. He says he WANTS to tell them, but certain things in our relationship need to change first - i.e. I have to be more adventurous, tell him that I want us to be together forever, and generally act more enthusiastic about being with him. Is there any answer to this besides breaking up with him?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

The fact that you have been with your boyfriend for 12 years and he has not yet introduced you to his children says that he is putting his kids before your relationship. While his children are important, they are no longer young (most are adults) so he should no longer be concerned about affecting them with his relationship with you.

It also sounds like he lets his ex wife control his contact with his one child and with you. In a normal situation, he should be able to see his child regardless of what his ex wife feels about it. If she causes problems, there is the legal system to deal with the issues. But he seems to be deferring to her and his children and letting them dictate what he does.

The other possibility is that he is still so involved with his ex and his children that any other relationship is not as important to him. Although that is not a pleasant thought, it happens a lot in relationships where there are ex spouses and children. A legal separation occurs in the marriage but never an emotional one. So the girlfriend/boyfriend in the situation gets put in second place and stays there, never able to have a normal relationship as long as the ex is still in the picture.

You may want to talk to your boyfriend and let him know that you are at an impasse with your relationship. He needs to choose between letting his ex rule his life or moving on and being with you. And he needs to also decide if he wants to include you in his life or leave you on the outskirts. Depending on his answer, you can decide from there if his terms are acceptable to you and staying in the relationship is worth your time and effort.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate



Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you for your answer - I just have a quick follow-up. What if he continues to say that he wants to include me in his life and tell his kids, but things in our relationship need to change first. Given that I didn't put similar conditions on him meeting my children and my family, I resent this. But what do I say to him?

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
There should be no conditions to you being introduced to his family. Whatever is going on in your relationship should be between the two of you to work out (kids or not) and should not impact you meeting his kids. And given that you introduced him to your family without reservation, he should at least do the same. It sounds like he is making a lot of excuses for not doing what should be natural for him to do in your relationship.

Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5417
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education