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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience:  Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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was with girlfriend for 9 1/2 years but would not commit to

Resolved Question:

was with girlfriend for 9 1/2 years but would not commit to her she has seen 5 other guys in last year and a half i broke up with her valentines day because she has another guy staying with her on weekends i feel sorry for this guy as she does as well he lost his wife 11 months ago motorcycle crash she was driving he was pasenger she died he was in coma 3 months needs alot of operations has bad blood flow and he cant get erection i know she feels sorry for him and cant hurt him want to know what to do i want her back and am willing to make commitment what should i do
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I would like to help you with your question.

Customer:

ok

Dr. L :

This is a sad, unfortunate situation for this gentleman. But if she is not telling the truth..helping him out because she feels sorry for him...then its not going to end up well for him in the end.

Customer:

ok

Dr. L :

If he lost his wife in a terrible accident..what he needs is genuine support, love and compassion. If she is leading him on...then he has lots of emotional pain in store for him.

Dr. L :

Do you trust her? Do you trust what she is saying to you about this guy?

Dr. L :

Tell me why you broke up with her...because you couldn't take the deception and cheating any more?

Customer:

well im just trying to understand her actions i know she needs more from me but i dont know if it is over for us

Dr. L :

You say you want her back...am I right in thinking that you want her back IF she gets out of these other relationships and stays true to you?

Customer:

yes but our relationship will have to be totaly different

Dr. L :

Yes...do you know what you need to change?

Dr. L :

Do you know what you want to ask her to change?

Dr. L :

And do you know that you can only change you? You can ask her to change...to stop being with other men...but it will be up to her to want to change this.

Dr. L :

Do you trust her?

Customer:

well i know she needs more of a commitment from me and more emotional support which im sure she is getting from him

Dr. L :

Have you met him?

Dr. L :

And yes..it would seem that if you were able to make a commitment to her that would make a difference.

Customer:

no just seen pictures on facebook she told me all about him and i completly believe her

Dr. L :

If he has just come out of a comma..and is grieving the death of his wife....then he truly has little ability to provide her emotional support.

Dr. L :

Have you talked to her since Valentine's Day?

Dr. L :

Where are things at today?

Customer:

he has been out of coma 8 or 9 months she said he is a yes man and does everything for her puts her first i cant say i always did that he gives her something she needs

Dr. L :

Do you want to be a Yes man...do you want to do everything for her and put her first?

Customer:

yes to a point

Customer:

i tried to give her a ring and she made me take it back

Customer:

this was last week monday

Customer:

im trying to stay away from her so she can decide what she wants

Dr. L :

Sounds like a good thing...to give her time.

Customer:

just dont know what to do

Customer:

she told me to date other people

Dr. L :

Well...it seems to me that you made a good move by offering her a ring...that certainly shows that you are willing to make a commitment.

Customer:

so i will

Dr. L :

How did you feel when you rejected the ring?

Dr. L :

Do you WANT to date other people?

Dr. L :

Why do you think she said that to you? Did she say that so that she could continue to date other men?

Customer:

she told me i reminded her of her ex husbands that sucked

Dr. L :

Oh my...that would not be a good thing to be told!

Dr. L :

You said that you have been with her for 9 1/2 years...has she always compared you to her exs?

Customer:

yes

Dr. L :

So...tell me...why do you want to be with her if she treats you this way?

Customer:

very hard to explain this

Customer:

on chat

Dr. L :

Yes. After 9 1/2 years....what has made you hesitate to marry her?

Dr. L :

And now...after all this time...what makes you want to marry her?

Customer:

im not sure i had a very bad mirrage and m comparing her to my ex i guess

Dr. L :

okay...that makes sense...

Customer:

i love her she is my best friend im lost without her

Dr. L :

even though she compares you to her ex? even if she has someone else living with her?

Customer:

i wish we could talk on phone

Customer:

she doesnt compare me to ex

Customer:

this guy stays with her on weekends

Customer:

which is what i did she asked me to stay everynight with her and i did not

Customer:

she asked me to stay every night with her and i refused

Customer:

my loss

Customer:

can we talk on phone

Dr. L :

JustAnswer only operates by computer. We have no ability to talk on the phone.

Dr. L :

So do you think she is having him stay on weekends because you won't stay with her?

Customer:

well it is hard to explain everything on chat

Customer:

she is trying to move on

Dr. L :

Yes...I can understand that it is difficult. But we have no ability to talk via phone.

Dr. L :

What do you mean..she is trying to move on...do you mean from you?

Customer:

he may be a rebound

Customer:

yes from me

Dr. L :

Yes...that could be very true.

Dr. L :

Typically...rebound relationships do not last long.

Customer:

he has done everything she wanted from a man

Customer:

minus sex

Customer:

he has blood flow problems

Dr. L :

So...what do you want to do?

Dr. L :

Do you want to fight for her?

Dr. L :

Do you want to walk away and date other women?

Dr. L :

Is she even willing to talk to you or see you?

Customer:

i do but i dont know if she still wants me things will have to be totally different

Customer:

i must stay away from her

Dr. L :

Is she telling you to stay away from her? Or is that you own choice?

Customer:

she said she has made a choice to be with this other guy and move on

Dr. L :

I am very sorry. This must hurt terribly.

Customer:

i think she is not thinking strate

Dr. L :

That may be very true!

Dr. L :

What do you want to do about that?

Customer:

i dont know what to do

Dr. L :

It would seem your best strategy would be to wait for her to come to her senses...to see that this guy is just a rebound guy.

Customer:

i want to spend my life with her

Customer:

she is a good person

Dr. L :

I can understand why you say that...but at this point she is telling you she doesn't want to be with you.

Dr. L :

The only thing you can do here is to go on with your life and wait for this new relationship to fall apart so that you can step back in.

Customer:

i did not give her enough

Dr. L :

What do you think of that?

Dr. L :

But right now you can't do anything about that because she has told you that she wants to be with this other guy.

Customer:

it hurts but i hope it ends soon

Dr. L :

You can tell her that you are sorry about that...but you can't do anything to change that unless you get to see her and be with her again.

Dr. L :

Yes...I hope it ends soon too.

Dr. L :

Is there any last thing I can help you with tonight?

Customer:

i guess not

Dr. L :

I'm sorry that your relationship with the woman you love has ended like this. Like you said, this guy is probably a rebound relationship and it likely won't last that long. Hang in there...

Customer:

thank you

Dr. L :

You are welcome.

Dr. L :

Take care...stay strong...

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience: Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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Dr. L
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Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist