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Hello, I'd like to help you with your question. Everyone processes grief in different ways. Some people cry and cannot stop, others get very quiet and grieve on their own and still others may become angry or upset. It sounds like your son may have a variety of mixed feelings because of the situation he is in. When you located his birth mother and he did not want to meet her, he may have been very afraid that she would reject him. Many children who are adopted develop fantasies about their birth parents to comfort themselves as to why their birth parents gave them up. But when faced with meeting their parents, the threat of facing reality and the fact that their birth parents may not have wanted them or even dislike them is suddenly a possibility. So your son may have wanted to avoid knowing what the reality of his situation was and he avoided meeting her. But he offered to let you meet his birth mother as a way to "screen" what she was like. That way, he could find out if it was safe for him to approach her. Right now, your son has suffered the loss of his birth mother and the chance that he would ever get to know her. It could be possible that he also fears he lost a birth mother that might have loved him. Because he has so many unanswered questions, his loss may seem overwhelming to him. And that may be why he is acting as he is. To encourage your son to grieve, it helps to be there for him. It sounds like you already are very supportive and he may appreciate that. Try to not impose your way of grieving on him although it is tempting to do. He needs to find his own way. But by just being there for him, he knows he can turn to you. Also, acknowledge that you may not know what he is going through, but that if he wants to talk to you, you are there for him. Offer the books you bought for him, but let him read them when he feels ready. Consider offering him a chance to talk to a counselor as well. He may need to express his grief to someone who is neutral in the situation. Someone who is experienced in adoption and grief may be helpful, but any counselor will know how to help him. To find a counselor, talk to his doctor about a referral. Or you can search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php. I hope this has helped you, Kate
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