Hmm, some of the symptoms I think apply to me, others not so much. I think my perception of what depression is, doesnt seem to fit what I think and feel. For instance, I do not feel intense sadness much of the time. I feel intense sadness at certain times--when I'm alone especially. I don't ever feel teary, but I could sleep all day if given the chance. Playing with my kids, cleaning my house, doing laundry, etc. feel like I'm carrying cement blocks around. Its just feels like it take a crazy amount of effort to do anything. I think a lot of these symptoms are psychosomatic because I'm able to turn them off when I have to. I can switch it like a light when I'm in situations that require me to seem "normal", but as soon as I'm alone--in my car or walking, I instantly turn inward and wage war on myself. If I'm alone you can guarantee that my inner critic is hard at work, I'm feeling worthless, hopeless and I start having suicidal ideation. This happens every single day. It's the pretend me and then the horrible "real" me.
I've suffered from depression from a very young age. In my teen years, I really hit bottom and attempted suicide twice with lethal intentions and means. Once I was thwarted with a shot gun, the second time, I totaled my car on purpose, but obviously lived both times. I still to this day regret that I didn't die. This is no life to have to feel like you are constantly swirling around in a pitch dark vortex. I wouldnt wish this life on my worst enemy.
I'm sorry to keep bothering you. Dr. A canceled on my yesterday because of the weather and I've just been feeling like I'm under a lot of pressure. Thanks for always talking to me.