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Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this serious situation.
For how long has your son been this way and have you identified any specific triggers or core issues behind these behaviors?
he has been this way for a 6 years but it is now growing, he just seems to be angry all the time
I see. Anger is not a core feeling, but one that we use whenever overwhelmed by other painful or negative feelings, that we do not know how to cope with.
it could be about sadness, frustration, fear or any other fear behind his anger, and if he has been this way since he was 9 years old, it's very concerning, it's a chronic and serious problem, showing he does not feel good within himself and is acting out, getting your attention regardless of the consequences you set.
He is not only abusive to other children but with his younger brother, obviously he has too much and distorted anger, rooted in issues that must be addressed. What support have you got in the past 6 years in order to help him and yourselves to cope with it and get solutions?
I understand what you are saying but he has a loving family and he is very good both at sport and intellect we give him as much as we think a child should have and are always ready to listen to him we also plan surprises for him trips etc but even then he fights with his brother all the way there whilst there and on the way home. So these trips then turn into nightmares
I see, it sounds very frustrating. I believe other factor here could be that the consequences you have implemented have not been effective enough to make him think twice before getting into the same destructive - abusive behaviors. he is a smart child, and has everything he needs, you are open to listen and support him, then the first thing that comes to my mind is that perhaps, you still have been spoiling him too much, to the point he could take advantage and push you more and more.
I also feel that because we as parents are focusing on him for a good deal of the time his younger brother is being left out. That is a difficult thing to judge as we live in an area where money is not an issue so if we do not give him the right clothes and phone etc. he will become bullied, he recentley was accused of being Gay and he lost it completely and beat the boy up, so we thought ok maybe you are Gay and we sat down and said ok if you feel this way then that is ok you are our son just be yourself and he lost it again
Discipline should be assertive as well as affection, to the point of showing unconditional love and consistent consequences, which would increase, according to what a child does, his choices and actions, in this way, when one unacceptable behavior leads to consequence A1, to present the same behavior again, should lead to consequence A2, thus he would learn from it, that doing the same thing again would cause further consequences, and no matter what he may say or do, he would have to afford them.
I am sorry this is indeed a tough situation, since being bullied that much because of not showing the same high financial status as other children is a real nightmare, truly abusive, then I see he has been a victim of abuse himself, and he's been reacting to it, very sad scenario.
just before Christmas I has a mother come to the door and tell me that he had tried to force her daughter to send photographs by phone the mom had gone on the text and asked him to give her his father's phone number he told her that he would stop and if she came to the door his Dad would be in danger od dying as he was really sick and she would just ruin his Christmas as you can imagine I could not believe this and when he came in I just slapped him right across the face as I was so angry and disgusted at what he had done he said that he did not want his Christmas ruined he cannot accept the fact that he was in the wrong only that his Christmas would be ruined
There is a lot to work on here, on himself and the relationship, he needs to mature and develop better coping skills and assertiveness, and for sure it would not be easy once the social environment at school is that hostile. But I can assure you that just giving him whatever he wants because of that being the rule there, just not to feel less than others, would not resolve the problem, but fuel these distortions even more.
What did you find out after talking with him about the sexual preference issue, was this real or just a subject those other children took to abuse him?
No form of abuse should be tolerated, at school , at home or at any other setting, that must be a core rule, and based on it you could enforce healthy and effective discipline and offer sound support and protection to your son whenever anybody abuses him too.
ok so how can I make hm understand and accept that he needs to grow and learn to accept that other people will think what they like no matter what he does and that we as his parents will not accept his behaviour anymore. as he is now yelling at me and as lifted his hand as if to strike me. The sexual preference was just other kids bullying him they realised that they could get him angry by saying he was Gay and instead of laughing it off or making light of it he reacted therefore they now do it all the time I have spoken to the school but they did nothing and my son said it just made it worse
I see. The school authorities -staff must be accountable for everything happening there, it is unacceptable for them not to intervene and take care of it, since they do literally enable further abuse by their passivity. Please file a written complaint making it clear your attempts to dialogue and work on solutions, and how your concerns and requests were literally dismissed by authorities. The you would file complaint to the school district in case school does not respond with accountability and a concrete plan to end any form of bullying - abuse.
Now at home you and your husband should reassess your rules and consequences, and both have a serious talk with your son. You are absolutely correct when stating he cannot keep being manipulated and reacting to every thing they say, otherwise he would make of himself an eternal victim of anybody who happens to be abusive or immature, undermining his own situation and well-being.
Your discipline must include healthy and clear boundaries and limits, it is just unacceptable for him to express any form of violence towards you or any other family member, and the consequences should not be about physical punishment but about every privilege he may have, but in a consistent and increasing way. He is not a fool, he would know that he cannot abuse nor manipulate you, and would have to change his behavior.
I truly recommend getting a professional family psychotherapist in order to get the best support, which would address parenting improvement, communication issues and the anger and other concerns he may be facing that he needs to work on.
can you recommend a professional who would do this online as we live in a very remote place
I can refer you to website offering professional counseling support, taking into account the lack of access to these services face-to-face. Please review the following: liveperson.com therapyhub.com mentaline.com These are some of the websites you could find offering these services.
ok thank you for you help
You're very welcome
Thank you for your trust