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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience:  Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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I am 66 years old. Married at 40. Up until my wifes menapause

Resolved Question:

I am 66 years old. Married at 40. Up until my wife's menapause 11 years ago everthing was perfect. Then we were no longer intimate. For 11 years I have had no sex. I want to enjoy a full life. I don't want to go to a prostitute. Have been unsuccessful on RSVP. Are there ladies who are not prostitutes but who I could approach?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I would like to help you with your question.

Dr. L :

I can understand why you would want a full life.

Dr. L :

Why did sexual intimacy end? I know that menopause is very difficult on some women...but what happened?

Dr. L :

Going to a prostitute is not a good choice for several important reasons...and online dating services have issues as well.

Dr. L :

Is your wife unwilling to even consider having sex with you?

Dr. L :

I see you are typing..I will wait to see what you post.

Customer:

Well by 6 months after menapause we lost intimacy.. At first I thought it would pass and things would retrurn to normal. They didn't. Last year I took my wife to a very romantic location in Thailand but nothing happened,. After 3 months back in Australia I hopped into her bed, but she pushed me away. We discussed the issue. Wife says she is very stressed as daughter has ADHD and was raped 3 years ago, and has left her fiancee. Wife and I decided not to divorce, as we were both concerned that it would upset our daughter who is 23. My wife tolerates me on RSVP, and knows I go out to dinner with some ladies from time to time. Most ladies are looking for someone who is not married, and I understand that. I have my own apartment under our house, but i would never take a lady to my home. I am not unattractive and am a successful economist and publish books and articles. I have a yacht in Canberra and go in sailing races. I have a strong desire to give and receive affection but the ladies, for one reason or another, seem unresponsive, and some have has so much trauma in their lives i judge some are incapable of being affectionate.

Dr. L :

Thanks for the background.

Dr. L :

Is you wife refusing to have sex with you?

Dr. L :

Have you asked her - or considered - going to couple's counseling to address this?

Dr. L :

Do you love your wife?

Dr. L :

When you say you have an apartment - does that mean that you do not live with your wife? That you live in the apartment and she lives in the house?

Dr. L :

What keeps you in this marriage?

Customer:

Well, after a few years I would ask once a year if we could resume our sex life. I never pressured her. She always said 'Maybe'. We are going to Fiji soon and then have won a 7 night holiday on a bare boat at Whitsundays, we are going with two friends. I suppose that i just have to keep trying. I thought there might have been ladies who were not prostitutes but who like sex and might help: but I can see that that is probably not the case. It has helped me just by talking to you.

Dr. L :

Some people do have "friends with benefits"...that is, good friends who are willing to extend that friendship into also having sex from time to time. This may be an alternative for you.

Dr. L :

It would seem that the women you have attempted to "date" are of an age where they are more interested in stability then in sexual pleasure. So...if though they may enjoy having sex with you...they likely want more then casual sex...they want regular dates, companionship, and a partner. Unless you decide to leave your wife...you are stuck. You want sex, but you are not free to develop a long term relationship with a woman.

Dr. L :

Does you wife give you any reason for not wanting sexual intimacy?

Dr. L :

It's likely good that you have not pressured her...but it is unreasonable that she does not offer any concrete reason why she is unwilling to have sex...nor does she offer you any way to deal with your natural desire for intimacy.

Customer:

I have asked my wife to come to our doctor or sex theoapist but she does not want to. We live in the same house but we still go out to dinner and ocasionaly eat together, rarely though. As I said I don't hate my wife, and for our daughter's sake we will not discuss divorce any more at this stage or mention that issue to our daughter. I think you have helped me. I will continue to find a friend as you say with benefits, and I will continue to coax my wife. I am not sure we can go much further here, But a thank you very sincerely. My wife says she has been stressed and claims the I speak to her rudely at times: this is because I have been frustrated and a bit angry because of the predicament

Dr. L :

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It certainly does not seem like a healthy situation. Your wife's statement that she is stressed and that you speak rudely does not seem like a strong rationale for withholding sex. And absolutely.....any man would be frustrated and angry if his wife was unwilling to be intimate with him for no good reason! You are only human here!!!

Dr. L :

What might help when you are looking for a sexual partner is to be clear up front that's what you want. You cannot pledge a long-lasting relationship or the promise of a future marriage. But what you can pledge is to have good companionship, to go on dates, to be treated with respect, to be a loyal and trusting friend. Perhaps if you can articulate what the "benefits" would be - in addition to a mutual fulfilling sexual intimacy - you may be able to find one or more partners who would be willing to engage in such a relationship.

Dr. L :

One other point, though you don't want to divorce for the sake of your daughter. She likely knows that the marriage is not healthy. You might want to consider talking to her privately and seeing how she really feels about mom and dad being together.

Customer:

Thanks so much for your willingness to listen and talk. I am feeling better now. Thank you > I will show our discussion to my wife to let her know about my concerns.I will stop writing and give you an 'excellent rating'.reciate your advice.

Dr. L :

I think it's a good idea to show this to your wife.

Dr. L :

Please let me know if there is any more that I can help you with.

Dr. L :

Take care!

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience: Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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Dr. L
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