Thank you for a most clearly written and illuminating response.
Your ex girlfriend clearly has Borderline Personality Disorder
She may have OCD but you mentioned nothing that would remotely indicate it.
She also does not have narcissistic personality disorder.
She has every reason in the world to have a trauma based disorder, and BPD is what it is, basically, although there are no clear and absolutely clearcut and mutually exclusive disorders. She would, however, qualify as diagnosable for BPD.
Here are the official symptoms for you to look at yourself. These come from the psychiatric diagnostic manual, the DSM-IV.
BPD – DSM-IV
1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterised by alternation between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance - markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging, e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving or binge-eating.
5. Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour.
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood, e.g. intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety, which usually lasts for between a few hours and several days.
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness
8. Inappropriate, intense anger, or difficulty controlling anger, e.g. frequent displays of temper, constant anger or recurrent physical fights.
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
Anyone with six or more of the above traits and symptoms may be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. However, the traits must be long-standing (pervasive), and there must be no better explanation for them, e.g. physical illness, a different mental illness or substance misuse.
She needs, first of all, someone who is capable of diagnosing her and then of treating her. The best treatment is NOT medications but a form of psychotherapy called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).
Let me suggest four excellent books that can help you AND her.
The first two describes BPD and the third is a girls story of her recovery, and the fourth is a self-help workbook to start her off on DBT.
I hope that this information proves helpful in your quest for fix her. She needs help very much, and needs a true friend such as you. Abandonment is her issue and your dedication to her is very healing.
I shall keep the both of you in my prayers.
Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC