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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Hello, A friend of mine who is my very good OKMH32211

Customer Question

Hello, A friend of mine who is my very good friend for a very long time and we are quite close but 30 years difference in our age e.g I am 34 and he is 64. He don't want to act as 64 but 40 something. I understand that but he lives in Brighton which is an hour away form me, I am based in London. He helps me with money such as mortgage his house to pay for my university fees etc and he re allocate his pension payment to me per month to help me to cope financially. I appreciate him so much and sometimes, he complains about being lonely at home and things like that. I can't come down to visit him every week as I have my own life too and also my small family. I feel like as if I am selfish but I know i am not because I have helped him so many times such as making him happy by taking him away on a holiday and to come down to see him to keep him company. I encourage him to make friends and he is saying like I don't need to make any new friends at this stage of my life etc. He loves pub crawl every time he goes out and he is full of life but when i am back home then he becomes alone and say back to square one etc. He did have a very very good life in the past and as a result, he is alone because of his mother's death who looks after him until 1997 e.g cooking his foods etc as her only child etc. After that, his world stopped and he learned to have his own responsibilities etc. until he met me and we became very good friends ever since but sometimes he says things like you are cruel to me because you won't come down and I have been very good to you etc e.g emotional blackmail? I don't have a problem in dealing with this but am trying my best to him to wake up and face the reality etc.

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dear friend,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You have not defined the nature of your relationship other than he is your very good friend and that you are quite close.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He helps you financially to a large extent and he obviously has expectations of you that are different than what you are willing to give.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You did not mention whether or not you are lovers and if this is expected.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He wants more of a relationship it seems and you don't.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You must get your expectations lined up with each other.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Your reality is that it is hard for you to come down to visit him more often because you have a life and family in London.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

His reality is that he feels that you need to show your thanks to him because of the "gifts" that he gives you.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I suggest that you sit down with him and try to make up some kind of schedule that you both can live with so that there is no cause for his accusation of cruelty and your feelings of emotional blackmail on his part.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You are a business person and understand this.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If you have an agreement then he will have to "wake up" because he can't have a dispute or argument with you about something that he has agreed to.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

In other words, try to develop a specific mutual understanding based on give and take, and then it will be so much more difficult to have these disagreements.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If you have further comments or need further clarifications, don' hesitate to respond.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Warm regards,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Customer:

Good Morning


Thank you for your interesting response.

Yes unfortunately, I caught him out one night when I was saying that he was not my type and he got upset. I then realised that he fancies me. I remind him that I prefer our relationship to be a friendship and we are indeed very close but sometimes, I feel that he is up to something e.g hoping that he gets into bed with me! We do sleep together when I visit him cos it is a one bedroom flat and we don't touch each other. It seems that sometimes he brings up saying like I see your cock but you were asleep etc. I don't mind him talking like that as I am a gay man myself but it makes me feeling like 'What is going on?'. When he gets annoyed with me then he says things like I am good to you and I gave you the money etc. i keep reminding him that it was him who gave me the authority to get money and that he told me that we are sort of partners to share the money etc! I think he is scared of losing me so he becomes alone and lonely? I don't know but am a bit annoyed at him for putting me in the middle of it in which I have no problem because I can manage.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dear friend,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You have to expect that he will be hopeful because he does fancy you, you sleep in the same bed with him, and he gives you money as well.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You cannot expect him to think otherwise if you behave in this manner.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If you are going to stay over you should consider sleeping on the couch, on a blanket on the floor, or bring an air mattress.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I say that if you let him know exactly how things are then he will probably think about dropping your friendship.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If you don't, then you will be inadvertently leading him on.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Your best approach would be to visit early and catch the late train back to London. It is only an hour away.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I wish you great success.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Warm regards,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Elliott

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

What happens now?

If you haven’t already done so, please rate your answer above. Or, you can reply to me using the box below.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear XXXXX,

Thank you so much for your kindness.

God bless you.

Elliott
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hello Elliott,


 


I hope this finds you well.


 


I would like to talk about my confidence issues. I was asked to come to a big conference today but I did not reply to the requests because I built my business for years now and I feel that my business is not ready to serve them and that some people in there don't make me feel welcoming and that knocks my confidence down when they say some awful things like oh you have been hiding your face etc when in fact I have done nothing wrong to them and that I worked hard 10 years ago to make a small gay community a better one such as new website and so on but now that has gone downhill since my departure because I resigned and I feel that I am particularly blamed for that if you see what I mean. I don't know to be honest because I have not spoken or find out as to why etc as I have not seen them for years now. I was told by a close friend that they would love to see me again because they loves my chat and sense of homour but it is jealousy issue that puts me off from attending etc. And also that I feel a failure at the moment becasue my business is not doing well and I can't swallow my pride and attend showing my face when in the back of my mind, I feel frustrated but that drives me to be successful by fighting hard and work hard to achieve my dreams etc. I just feel that the majority of them out there don't give me support that I need to make the dream a reality. .......

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear XXXXX,

Thank you for gating back to me.

You have missed your conference today and that was evidently for the best, XXXXX XXXXX were not prepared for it.

I know that some people were indeed disappointed by your absence because they enjoy your wit, intelligence, and appreciate how much of a positive force you have been in the community.

Absence does make the heart grow fonder and when some of them see you or make inquiry as to your whereabouts at the appointed time, just tell them, in all honesty that you had some very urgent business to attend to, and you just could not break away.

You obviously have some leadership skills as a strong intellectual force in your group. You may need to be more forceful in delegating some of the necessary tasks that need to be done in order to achieve the goals of your group. Let others do some of the 'heavy lifting' and other errands and chores. That will increase their 'sweat equity' in the projects and tasks that are part of the greater goal, and in doing so will keep them involved.

Put a good face on this and make the missed meeting work to your advantage. Let them see that you have other needs and commitments besides them and they will be that much gladder to see you, especially when they see that you still have enthusiasm for them.

I wish you great success.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hello again,


 


I really like having a chat with you because you seem that you do get me. I am so pleased with your answer as it helps me a lot to move forward knowing where I stand.


 


I would like to talk about alcoholism. As far as I am aware is that I am not an alocholic because I dont drink everyday or abuse them etc. I know that I do go out like 4 times a week and I drink red wine or beer like 5 pints but that does not help me next day eg I get up late or let people down by not turning up. I think it is due to my pride problem eg they think I am wealthy cos of big business I own but thr reality is that I am struggling with finance problems and that I work so hard like 15 hours daily including mobile phone etc. I just wish to go away for a huge break to clean up my health and mentality. Generally I am a happy going guy but going out having a laugh and great time knock my confidence down next day. Do you get me? Maybe it is a fear? Or something?

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear XXXXX,

Sorry it took a while to get back. Long day with funeral out of town.

Thank you for your confidence in me.

While not perhaps addicted to alcohol with physical dependence, it seems that you rely on to forget about your daily cares and woes, and in doing so only exacerbate the situation.

You have fallen into a pattern in which the daily laughs and good times have to be fueled by alcohol. Perhaps you are depressed and hence feeling low self esteem. You boost it up with your friends, but pay a big price in alertness and productivity and it interferes with keeping your important committments.

If you could afford taking that break, or even a working holiday somewhere else, away from the drinking and good times, you could re-find your center.

I don't think it is fear that you are experiencing, but an emptiness created from depression.

If you can find the strength to cut down significantly on the alcohol and late nights, and get on a productive schedule, your life would improve significantly.

I understand that this is easier said than done, but you must break the cycle.

Let me recommend a new but tremendously popular book that is proving effective in helping people change their way of doing things:

Product Details

Breaking The Habit of Being Yourself: How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New One by Joe Dispenza




If I can be of further help, please don't hesitate to get back to me.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Good Afternoon,

What a lovely sunshine today!

I am sorry to hear about someone who died recently and I hope you are coping okay.

Thank you for your lovely message and the book but I am not a heavy book reader unfortunately as it makes me tired easily! Maybe, tell me more about it in your own words like in brief?

Elliott, unfortunately, I do not agree with what you are saying about depression and emptiness. I am not too sure about the meaning of emptiness? I am well aware that I do not suffer from depression simply because when I am sober then I am happy. It is just that the way of life that put me under pressure e.g workload, being a CEO and mobile phone controlling me etc. Sometimes, I switch the phone off just to allow me to have my own way of thinking and some breathing space. The problem is that people complain about me ignoring their texts. I think it is not my problem that they feel in that way. They just don't realise that mobile is taking over our lives and that mobile phones are like magnet in my view. Thankfully, I am not a fan of Facebook for years, I am sure you know why yourself. I think I have every rights to be selfish by thinking of myself such as switching phone off and concentrate on important things otherwise I will regret by saying I should have done that a long time ago etc etc. My attitude is that I don't blame others for my mistakes as it is my problem to deal with and that I am well aware of what is going on in my life. I just think that it is the time for me to cut down on alcohol in taking as it does not help me next day e.g pulling me backwards e.g too tired to do something important etc. The probelm is that once I start drinking then I carry on drinking until the bar closes locally which is plainly stupid. It is just that when my friends leaves and then other arrives etc etc. I have no problem with that but I have to LEARN how to say I have enough and go home but then my way of thinking 'Too early to go home!' LOL. Funnily enough, sometimes, a night out does help me next day to have a very sharp concentration on one complicated task which eventually gets sorted e.g programming works? Strangely, it does help me in some ways but I think it is the situation I am in at the moment e.g money problem and that I can't afford to have a weekly massage or to buy my favourite things once a week like going out for a good lunch. Things like that that upsets me most but in my mind, I keep saying 'I appreciate what I have been given in the past and be happy and move forward!' That helps me on a daily basis because I know I work hard and will be rewarded excellency.

My message sent to you yesterday, I was not myself because of heaving drinking on Friday night with too much red wine!

Remember, I was telling you about my friend, an old man. I believe that I have to cut down on seeing him because it is his way of life - going to the pub all the time, watching the tv every day and doing nothing etc etc. That makes me feeling sorry for him but then I am blaming him for what I am going through because my attitude is not to blame others. At least I go for a long walk every day with my darling pet so it helps me a lot mentality. Gosh, I am talking far too much as if I am defending myself? I am a happy guy today at least!

Peter.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear XXXXX,

Thank you for getting back to me.

Perhaps you ARE defending yourself, as you characterized it. Yesterday you were a happy guy, as you stated. That implies that you are not always a happy guy. Is that not a characteristic of depression?

You also close down the bar sometimes, going through several sets of friends. This implies loneliness/emptiness in your life - seeking companionship while further (pardon the term) self-medicating with alcohol. These are classic signs of depression.

You are overcome with a burden of responsibility, and your excuse is to turn off your phone and drink and stay up on a regular basis in order to escape from it.

You do have too much pressure in our life and you must somehow find someone who can take some of the responsibilities (which may be very difficult for practical and logistic reasons).

You know that your lifestyle is pulling you down and you must escape from it. The bar and your friends will survive without you. You are known to some as the man who stays at the bar all evening and this behavior is has become a part of your life and defines you. It is probably not that exciting but you keep doing it.

What do you think about this?

I am hoping that you will take steps to change your lifestyle and shall keep you in my prayers towards that end.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Elliott,


 


Thank you for coming back to me.


 


I say different things every day.


 


Switching the phone off is because some people texts me asking me out for a drink and when I say no then they ask me why and so on. When I ask someone out and if they say no. I go no further. It is as simple as that but is different other way round. Once I say no then I have to keep saying no etc. Why should I carry mobile phone with me 24/7? Do you do that?


 


As for the bar, I have to agree that the bars seeing me as a valued customer where I spend hundred of dollars per month to keep their jobs but not helping me financially! Yes, I do agree with this.


 


From tomorrow, I have to change my lifestyle by going to 3 times weekly swimming pool and to reduce going out to the bars but to learn how to drink less e.g 2 glasses if going to a bar like once a week and then go home or to the cinema to try and reduce alcohol in taking as I don't normally drink at home anyway.


 


Maybe you have suggestions for me to move forward; I think I know where I am going next from tomorrow.


 


Thank you for your time and have a nice day ahead.


 


Peter.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear XXXXX,

I don't carry my phone everywhere. It takes away all of your freedom and allows you know space of your own if you leave it at home.

I support your idea of changing your lifestyle starting tomorrow (why not NOW?).

Stay away from the bars, from the drinking. Order non-alcoholic drinks when out.

Continue with the daily exercise. Increase the lengths of your walks. It will do wonders for you.

God bless,

Elliott


Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Thank you so much, Peter. I shall coninue to keep you in my prayers and I expect great progress from you. You are pulling out of a nosedive and I find that very joyful news to hear.


Elliott

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