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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hi, ive been in a relationship with a woman for 2 years, we

Customer Question

Hi, i've been in a relationship with a woman for 2 years, we have a problem that we can't seem to resolve by ourselves, and it's really coming between us. Like any couple we argue, my girlfriend goes off and calls her friend in the middle of the argument and tells her everything, before we've had a chance to resolve it ourselves. i find that hugely undermining and it has really started to affect my relationship with her, i started to go really quiet if an argument was developing..now i'm at the point where i shut up all together and don't argue at all, there feels like such a lack of freedom to be myself, my whole self and trust that thats ok. My girlfriend sees that as me being controlling? and i'm not sure what to believe or how to resolve this. Ive been in a couple of fairly long relationships and i'm still really good friends with my previous partners, who don't experience me as controlling, and i don't think i am. i would really appreciate some advice on this. with thanks
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like your girlfriend feels she needs support during your arguments, someone to agree with her and make her feel she is right. But by calling her friend in the middle of your arguments, she breaks the trust you have between you. And trust is a basic need in a relationship. Without it, the relationship breaks down.

Your reaction to what your girlfriend does is not wrong. By breaking your trust, your girlfriend takes away your ability to work your deeper feelings out during the argument. When you have someone "reporting" your thoughts and feelings to someone outside of the situation, it is normal to shut down and not want to share anymore with her.

Your behavior is not controlling, it is protective. And it is your right to not have your personal arguments told to other people. And your girlfriend is not recognizing her role in making you shut down. Instead, she is blaming you for not continuing in this destructive pattern that helps her feel better and hurts you.

To help the situation, try talking to your girlfriend when you are both not upset. Let her know that you find her behavior hurtful and that you consider your arguments (and any other aspect of your relationship) private and you would appreciate her not sharing what happens between you. Also, let her know that your trust of her is lower when she does these things. If she won't work with you however, you may have to avoid arguments with her and just walk away when you get upset.

You could also ask her to talk to a counselor with you. Sometimes it only takes a session or two to work things out. She needs to hear from someone outside of your relationship that what she is doing is hurtful and causes you to mistrust her.

 

I hope this has helped you,

 

Kate

 

 

 

 

 

May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Can I help you any further?
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Thank you very much for the positive rating and bonus! I appreciate it.

My best to you,

Kate

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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
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Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.