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Bill, LCSW, Consultant, Expert Witness
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3706
Experience:  35 years treating individuals, couples, families with mental health and substance abuse prob's
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I am of Indian origin but have lived in N. America for over

Customer Question

I am of Indian origin but have lived in N. America for over 30 years. My children were born here and speak no Indian language or strong believers in ritualistic religions although both believe in God. My son has married into a nice Catholic family who brought up their child to be very indepedent and will not offer financial support at all. My son is a musician and income is volatile. They have a child and we as his parents are happy to offer financial support as we want the child to have a safe and happy childhood. My d-in-law says she finds this degrading. My son is OK with it. I cannot bear them raising their child in poor unsafe area. How can I persuade my d-in-law that is normal for me and I do not consider this to be shameful or degrading.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Bill replied 4 years ago.
Hello- Thank you for asking the question. I have over 30 years of experience working with individuals, couples and families & am happy to reply.

I am sorry to hear about this issue.

I completely understand that giving is an important part of your way of expressing love and support. Obvioulsly, your d-in-law does not view it this way which is unfortunate.

It may not be possible for you to change your Daughter in laws feelings.

Having worked with families for over 35 years, my suggestion to you is to talk to your Son and Daughter together at a time where there is calm.

Remind them that you love them as a couple and want to help them through the all too common financial difficulties that many young marrieds are facing.

Even though your son is open to this you have to accept that if there is disagreement between them, you must respect it at this time. If she is still againist the "no strings attached"gesture of accepting your gift, tell them that you understand and accept.

Then tell them, in lieu of giving to them- you have decided to set up a trust account in your grandchilds name. You can help him by investing as much as you want in this account and in time it will be a gift to him for any long term aspirations the child may have- such as college.

This is something that you have complete control over and give as you see fit. This removes the issue from the marital relationship between your son and d in law.

It is my sense - your greatest concern is about your grandchild and this will always be something that he/she will benefit from.

I trust this will help defuse this matter in a positive way.
If you have additional questions, feel free to ask. I am happy to help.

Otherwise, I wish you the very best.

Kindest regards,


I appreciate your Positive Rating so that I receive credit for my time.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

We have already set up the college fund. My immediate problem is that they have to find a cheaper apartment and she says that they move to an area which is cheap but I know is really dangerous and the schools are rotten. Why does she not consider our help with rent as an indirect gift for her child ? Is this not selfish and false pride ?

Expert:  Bill replied 4 years ago.

Hi Rughvir-

I would concur that this is an issue of false pride.

I know this is upsetting but it is better to back off and allow this conflict to defuse.

This is a triangle that you have to remove yourself from it or it will continue to consume you.

Read this- it will help you understand about dysfunctional family triangles:

In time, your D-in-law may have to learn a life lesson.

I wish you the very best,


I appreciate your Positive Rating So that I receive Credit for my time.

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