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Ryan LCSW
Ryan LCSW, Mental Health
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Individual and Family Therapist
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End 6year relationship, in desperate help!!!

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  How do I get over somone I've been dating for 6 years? and in my situation how long do you think it would take and what do you suggest doing? I just broke up with my boyfriend, I'm 19 and hes 18. We broke up because we argued all the time, he's a mommy's boy as well, and she never liked me. We never got a long, she told me that whoever walked into his life, she would never accept it. I told him it wasn't fair for her to treat me like that, he said it was his mom so she had the righ. I told him he was wrong, shes always getting into our relationship, if I greet her she gives me dirty looks, she would get mad when my now ex would hug me, hold my hand, or show any affection. I told him i couldnt take this anymore, dragging his mom with us in our relationship and always getting into it, and also he would tell his mom things that should have styed in our relationship, I feel like he had no righ to do that because it was also my concern. I know shes jelouse. Hes also lied a lot to me, never cheated but flirted, hide things from me. Therefor I don't trust him at all thats another thing why we argue because im always quetioning him and he hates that. He says to don't question him and try to tell him what he can and can't do. Weve talked about marriage believe it or not. Hes proposed but I deniyed it. Hes told me that one day he'll come looking for me again (I'm moving to texas by the way)..I ask myself why come back looking for me? If hes doing all these things now. If he knows hes going to look for me why is he trying so hard to move on?? I just don't want to be a plan B if plan A doesn't work.  It's been 2 days since our break up and hes going out clubbinh, talking to a lot of girls, video chatting and trying to take them out to lunch. In fact he told one of the girls that he was talking to that hes been single for a month which has only been 2 days. I feel like hes moving on so fast, he told me he was doing that becuase otherwise he'll come looking for me. I, on the other hand feel like I'm dying, I dont want to eat, I'm always anxiouse, scared, sad. I feel like crying all the time. I don't get any sleep, I don't eat, I don't feel like doing anything I just feel like staying in my room. Another big problem is I have his yahoo password XXXXX I'm constantly chking his messages who hes talking to, at the end I regret it because I feel 100 time worse but I just can't help it. I feel like I get mini heart attacks before I check his stuff. what do you suggets I should do?

Thanks for your question.


Unfortunately there isn't going to be an easy way to get over such a long relationship, and it may take some time. However it sounds like there were some pretty big problems in your relationship as well including the lack of trust and him being unable to create some healthy boundaries with his mother. These are problems that would need to be solved in order for your relationship to work out in the long run, and sometimes it does take some time and space for people to figure those things out before they are ready to give a relationship another try.

It does sound like he is handling the breakup in a completely different way than you are, and I can understand that you don't want to be plan B. Some people handle breakups by trying to distract themselves with other people, others want to be alone like yourself. So I wouldn't assume that just because he is trying to date and see what's out there, that he is necessarily moving on, however that does seem like something you may have to prepare for.
In the short term it is going to be painful. While there may not be a lot of things you can do to make this easy, there are some things you could do to make it less difficult. Checking his email is likely going to make this much harder, and prevent you from moving forward. Because of that, one of the best things you can do for yourself right now is to avoid looking at this email and anything else that could feed into some of this depression that you're going through. It is important that you are taking care of yourself, and not being afraid to reach out and talk to people if you are having trouble. Getting over a 6 year relationship is not easy, but once you do start to give yourself some space from it all, each day will start to get a little easier.

I definitely wish you the best with all of this, and if there's anything else I can do to help please let me know.

Ryan
Customer: replied 3 years ago.


yeah, I understand our relationshionship, it has always had problems. He told me that one day he was going to look for me again, I'm going to try my best to move on, what if I suceed and he comes back looking for me after so long, and my feelings come back, what do you suggest for me to do? About the e-mails, messages You suggest keeping away from absolutely everything that has to do with him, including pictures etc..? Do you suggest talking to him and asking if he could please change his passwords, because otherwise I feel like I'm always going to be checking on him. Another thing, what do you thing is the best thing for me to do so I can move on and feel better about myself since I don't even want to get out of bed..I would really want to know about how long would you think it would take for me to at least start to not feel like I'm always dying..Also, I'm going to move to texas do you think moving away will help? I'm going to have to see him for this thing that we have to go to, how do you suggest I act around him? becuase I feel like I'm going to want to be crying and throwing everyhting that I found out hes doing on the plate.

Right now it seems like you have to take care of yourself. It may be great if he eventually comes back, and perhaps you can reevaluate everything at this point. Unfortunately for now it seems like you have to protect yourself and treat this as if he is not coming back, and prepare for that possibility. That means keeping way from pictures, emails, etc, because it's important to start creating a new life for yourself that doesn't revolve around him. If that means telling him to change his passwords, then that may make things a lot easier.

The move to Texas may also be a big help, and it may help to start doing some things to prepare for the move to Texas, just to get yourself out of bed and get your mind focusing on something else. A change of scenery can make a big difference. For now it may be tough until you've seen him for the last time before you go, and going about day to day life may be challenging since you still have that hanging over your head. In the short term, you may have to force yourself to start doing normal things and interacting with people normally again, and that can help you to start getting in a healthier frame of mind. However this move to Texas can be a big opportunity for you to start over and find yourself again, so I suspect that even though things are really hard now, they will start to get easier once you've opened that new chapter in your life. Hang in there and good luck with everything,

Ryan
Customer: replied 3 years ago.


okay, The next time I see him, how should I act around him. Should I show my true feelings or act as if I don't care. Today, I got ready and went to the store with my mom. Sill couldn't take him off my mind, all I wanted was to go home. For some reason it's even hard for me to literaly talk. My mom kept on asking me questions. all I did was nod my head.

It's hard for me to say how you should act, but if you feel like you need some closure then it may help to show some true feelings and see how he responds. At the same time if you feel like you need to protect yourself and move forward now, then it may help to keep some distance so that you don't have a big setback or make this any more painful than it already is. For now it's going to be difficult and hard to get him off your mind. Sometimes the best thing you can do is to be patient with yourself and give yourself some time to recover from such a big loss. It's going to take some time before you start feeling like yourself again, but you'll get there.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.


okay, I've already asked him to change his passwords. The thing is that now hes calling me to see If I'm okay, how I'm feeling. Yesterday he told me that he loved me. After the phone call I felt better but then again thinking about everything hes doing just makes me want to forget him. I know I have to see him a few more times since we have to go to the event.

At some point if you need to draw some boundaries so that this doesn't get even more difficult for you that's ok. It's probably nice to hear that he loves you, but at the same time if there's no possibility of working this out, it may be harder in the long run to keep having these conversation. It will be tough until this event is over, but I would suspect that once you're able to get some space from all of this it will start to get a bit easier. Best of luck with everything. If there's anything else I can help with just let me know, otherwise if you wouldn't mind leaving me a positive rating for my time I'd really appreciate it. Thanks,

Ryan
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