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Ryan LCSW
Ryan LCSW, Mental Health
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Individual and Family Therapist
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My ex of 2 months lost his mother 10 months ago with cancer . He seemed to push me after i

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My ex of 2 months lost his mother 10 months ago with cancer . He seemed to push me after in oct and got worse in nov and dec . He can't sleep without wearing a t shirt needs to get comfortable before he can sleep. Didn't want to go out. Worked constantly. and was tired constantly and didn't want to do anything . I have tried talking to him since we broke up some days he will and other days he will ignore me. He says he knows he is wrong to do this . Is this grief and should I hang in there we have been 2gether 3.5 years .. He says he can't give me want I want.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.
Thanks for your question.

It sounds like you are getting some mixed signals from your ex, and if you've noticed that this has all gotten worse after he lost his mother, then it is likely that this is largely due to his grief and his trouble coping. If you feel like you can hang in there, it is possible that he will eventually pull through this. At the same time, unless he is actively doing something to work on some of this, these problems may continue to get worse or continue on for an extended period of time.

Sometimes in a situation like this, what he really needs is a little space so that he can get himself back in a frame of mind where he can be in a relationship. He may feel like he can't give you what you want right now, and there may be some truth to that. But it is possible that this is largely the depression talking, and once he has resolved some of these personal issues, he will feel more capable in general.

If he would be open to counseling, that would be the ideal situation for him right now, and it may also help him to figure out exactly where he stands with your relationship. Considering that he is working so hard, not going out, and is pushing people away, it would be a great benefit to him to get some outside advice and perspective as to how he can start to pull it all together, and move forward with the grieving process.

Getting an idea of whether or not he is willing to confront these issues may help you to make your own decision. If there is no end in sight to these problems that he is having, then it may be more difficult to hang in there if there is no telling if/when things will get better. At the same time, if you are seeing signs of his willingness to work on these issues, then even though he needs space now, that would be the most encouraging thing if you decide to continue to hang in there. I definitely wish you the best with all of this, and if there's anything else I can do to help please let me know.

Ryan
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you.


 


We had a great relationship until his mother died he had a lot of problems with work and a family business that all happened after his mother died and wasn't around for me.We have plans for a house and marriage but these all had to be put on hold which wasn't easy for me but I have accepted this he says he loves me but just cant give me what I want. And that he could not take any arguments. He seemed to go into a dark place in November and December. He spoke me to on the phone on Wed and I asked him to call to me tonight and he said he will , a few weeks ago he would of said I do not think it is a good idea.

Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.
The fact that he wouldn't have thought it was a good idea a few weeks ago, but he is now little more willing to talk does seem like an encouraging sign. From what you've described it does sound like this has more to do with his grief, and now also picking up the pieces in the rest of his life and his job as well. It may take him a little while before he feels confident enough to start planning for a house and marriage again, but at the same time if he seems like he's in a better place now than he was in November and December, that is a big step in the right direction. If you are feeling like you can hang in there a little longer, it does seem like it may be worth seeing how he is when you talk to him, and then perhaps you can still take it day by day as long as you are still seeing some reasons to be optimistic. All the best,

Ryan
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Cheers


 

Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.

Cheers! As long as this has been helpful, if you wouldn't mind leaving me a positive review I'd really appreciate it. Thanks!


Ryan

Ryan LCSW, Mental Health
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience: Individual and Family Therapist
Ryan LCSW and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

well he did not show up on Friday or even text to advise he could not make it, so I think its time to cut my losses. He would of never done that before. On wed he wanted to know where I was moving to and there was no rush moving and he knows he is wrong not to reply to me and then does not show up on Friday . Makes no sense seems to want me around but not actually have to deal with the issue.


 


 

Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.
I'm real sorry to hear that and I know how frustrating that must be. Unfortunately I can see why you would feel the need to cut your losses at this point. While I don't necessarily think the problems are directly related to you, at the same time, if he can't handle confronting some of these issues, there may be nothing left for you to do at least until he is in a better frame of mind. Hang in there,

Ryan
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

ah I don't think hanging in there will make any difference . If he cant deal with simply issues as collecting post and rent issues. He is paying a tv service for me and have asked him to change it to my details and he just says oh ok and still has not done it 2 months later. If I am suppose to be his ex girlfriend you don't pay these things :)


 


Would this sort of thing be normal behavior for people grieving or under pressure. Will reply to me some days and not other days ? And constantly saying he is sorry and wrong.

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