How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Ryan LCSW Your Own Question

Ryan LCSW
Ryan LCSW, Mental Health
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience:  Individual and Family Therapist
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Ryan LCSW is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

My current boyfriend, he is 59 and I am 58, and have been dating

Resolved Question:

My current boyfriend, he is 59 and I am 58, and have been dating for over a year now. Before we started dating he not dated nor had any sexual encounters for over three years. He had a house fire, lost an old girlfriend to death and his father died. I came into his life and we have a wonderful relationship except for intimacy! He says he just doesn't feel the desire for sex but says he loves me????? He seems to be fobic about even touch which I find really strange. He says he wants to make me happy and is working on it! There are times when he kisses me passionately but as soon as it starts to get heated he back off! It hurts me deeply! I think something has happened to him to cause this lack of any type of intimacy but he says he can't think of anything! I think he needs counseling and has agreed to check into it. I love him but I can't be with a man who doesn't seem to like to be touched or touch me. Any advice?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.
Thanks for your question. My name is XXXXX XXXXX I'd like to help you out.

It sounds like you were correct to suggest counseling to your boyfriend. Often times the problems that he is having with being intimate would not have anything to do with how he feels about you, or how attracted he is to you. While I can certainly understand how his inability to be intimate would hurt you deeply, most likely it is his own personal issues that are causing this, as opposed to something that you've done wrong, or should be doing differently.

There are a lot of possible explanations for why he is having these problems. Sometimes just going through some periods of extreme trauma, like losing a house, girlfriend, and father, can be enough to send someone into a depression that makes it very difficult for them to feel capable of being intimate. Other times it can be a self esteem problem, or he could be self conscious about his own looks or ability to perform. The other common explanation for this type of behavior is if he has been abused in his past or has had some very negative sexual experiences that are haunting him. There are other possible explanations as well, but these tend to be some of the most common reasons that people have this issue.

No matter what personal issues he is struggling with, you are approaching it the right way by being patient and working with him a little at a time. For now, that may be the best that you can do until he meets with a counselor and is able to get a better understanding of why this is a problem, and what you can do to help. Of course this does depend on him making a legitimate effort to try and overcome this issue. While I can respect your patience and willingness to give him another chance, it is important that he starts taking responsibility for this so that you at least know there is hope for this to improve. Otherwise if there is no end in sight to this problem and he is not working on it, then it is only understandable that you would start to think about moving on.

I definitely wish you the best with all of this, and if there's anything else I can do to help please let me know.

Ryan
Ryan LCSW, Mental Health
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience: Individual and Family Therapist
Ryan LCSW and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

should he see a medical doctor as well as a counselor?

Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.

It can never hurt to see a doctor and rule out any medical conditions. From what you've described it sounds like it is more of a psychological issue, which is why I initially recommended a counselor. A counselor should also be able to recommend whether or not he should see a doctor, if he does not see a doctor first. The best place to start may be wherever he feels most comfortable. Chances are that whether he starts with the doctor or the counselor, he will get referred to the right person, and either way you know that he has started to take the first step in getting this resolved. All the best,

 

Ryan

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

thanks


 

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education