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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience:  Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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Hello there. Im assuming this is Dr. Bombeck? I have a difficault

Resolved Question:

Hello there. I'm assuming this is Dr. Bombeck? I have a difficault question to ask you... I have a friend that recenlty told me about an experience that he is ashamed of. He told me that when he was 21 years old he experineced sexual attraction to a girl who was 15 at the time. he didn't go into details about how or by what method it was that this attraction came about, but he did say that she told him that she wanted him and that he is ashamed to admit that he may have wanted her back that way. He said that nothing came of it, that nothing happened, but he hates himself for it because he knows that its borderline inappropriate. does this past incident make him a pedopile or just a horny young dude? he's 29 now, he been to a therapist in order to work out other things, including that. he says he was never sexually abused growing up. he said his therapist said that if he didn;t act on it then he isn't a pedophile. Please, what do you think?

Concerned Female Friend
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I would like to help you with your question.

Dr. L :

Your friend was a horny young dude. Period.

Dr. L :

I'm not sure why he has experienced so much emotional pain from this incident. Hating himself for this is an extreme reaction. If he came from a very strict family...maybe very religious...then he may have misunderstood what he did...which was to have responded in a natural way to what was likely a quite sexy young gal.

Dr. L :

That nothing came from this...he did not engage in sex with her...means he had the good sense not to act on his horny state. Good for him.

Dr. L :

It's time for him to get over this and get on with life.

Customer:

Thank goodness, I told him i thought he was fine, and i told him he needs to stop beating himself up about it. he seems to think he has a problem, and apparently people told him he's creepy a lot when he was younger. that

Dr. L :

Your friend sounds like a very sensitive man. And someone who is easily shamed.

Dr. L :

You are giving him good advice. I have been a therapist for nearly 30 years...I can assure you that his thoughts about this girl were harmless because he never acted on them....and feeling sexual at age 21 is perfectly normal!!!

Customer:

i told him that, but he was concerned because she was 6 years younger...

Dr. L :

I'm not sure why people told him he was creepy. That sounds like he was bullied. That's a way different subject...and I can see that seeing a therapist to deal with that would be important to his confidence and self-worth. But feeling sexually aroused when seeing a hot looking girl is normal!

Customer:

understandable, i suppose?

Dr. L :

The 6 year difference means nothing. The important piece is that he didn't act on his feelings.

Customer:

that he felt weired about the age difference?

Customer:

i told him that.

Dr. L :

What if he was 26 and the girl was 20...would he have felt that 6 year age difference was wrong too?

Dr. L :

It's not the number of years here that matter.

Customer:

i told him that too

Dr. L :

Maybe there's an entirely different reason he likes to beat himself up...

Customer:

ok so he's just being hard on himself?...

Dr. L :

Maybe he likes the sympathy that comes from beating himself up...

Dr. L :

Yes...he is being unreasonably hard on himself.

Dr. L :

And..I would ask him...why?

Dr. L :

What's in it for you to be so hard on yourself?

Dr. L :

It could be his way of avoiding responsibility. It could be his way of getting sympathy.

Dr. L :

Not sure...but he is being unreasonably hard on himself and that needs to change.

Dr. L :

At 29 he needs to act like a mature person...and sexual thoughts he had 8 years ago about a 15 year old ... is old news...and needs to be put in the past where it belongs.

Dr. L :

Seems to me he is making a mountain out of a mole hill....

Dr. L :

If he continues to bring this up..uses it as an excuse...then I would suspect that there is more to the story then he is saying..or that he has some real issues with acting in a mature way.

Customer:

I was concerned not just for him, but also i needed to get some advice or opinion on it for myself because for some reason i've been a (for lack of a better phrase) a weirdo-magnet all my life for some reason.... dont like that all the time, you know.

Dr. L :

Having had lustful thoughts about a girl some 8 years ago ought to be part of one's past history and not an active problem.

Dr. L :

Okay...so your question is: Is this guy a wierdo?

Dr. L :

If that's your question...my answer is Yes.

Dr. L :

There is something "off" about this guy.

Customer:

yeah? in a good or bad way? or both? I mean, everybody has some kind of issue. I have some issues...

Customer:

off as in he just needs more therapy?

Dr. L :

I would say he is overly concerned about something that is past history...thus his "wierdness" is a bad thing...

Dr. L :

Not sure if he needs more therapy...depends on if he is even telling the truth. Which...I have a hard time believing this is a real issue...and if it is...why with therapy it is still a problem.

Dr. L :

Yes...we all have "issues"...but if this issue keeps him from developing healthy relationships with women...then that's not a good sign.

Dr. L :

I'm sorry...but it is really hard to believe that a 29 year old is still dealing with such a minor issue 8 years after it happened.

Dr. L :

That's what leads me to question how emotionally healthy he is.

Dr. L :

And I am saying that his level of emotional health suggests that he is bad wierd.

Dr. L :

Does that make sense to you?

Customer:

yeah that makes sense... so it's not that he;s a "pedophile," but that he is exremely sensitve and emotionaly damaged? he told me he was bullied as a kid... so, many other issues have accumulated into this fear that he may be a pedophile or something?

Customer:

his therapist recently ended their sessions saying that she thinks he's ok to handle this stuff...

Dr. L :

Hmm....seems like good advice to me...

Dr. L :

The issue I see is if he is willing to accept that decision and accept his responsibility to get on with life.

Customer:

and you think he's ok to handle this stuff by himself too?

Dr. L :

Yes. As I have said..

Dr. L :

it occurred 8 years ago. It was merely feeling sexual about something that is considered taboo in our society...an underaged girl.

Dr. L :

If he did not act on those feelings...no harm no foul.

Dr. L :

If he is unwilling to forgive himself...well then that's his choice.

Dr. L :

And if he wants to continue to beat himself up....again that's his choice.

Dr. L :

His therapist has told him to get on with life...if he doesn't want to do that...then there is nothing you or I or anyone can tell him that will change his mind.

Dr. L :

Is there any last question you have tonight?

Customer:

it's amazing to hear the things i was telling him from a professional!! :) thank you so much! it puts me at ease too to know that i'm not just trying to be nice, or i'm trying to justify something that is wrong because i care for this person. I needed to know that i wasn't blinded by that. i didn't want to have to just drop this person like a sack of wet hammers because they have a problem... thank goodness its not a huge problem. thanks again :)

Dr. L :

You are welcome.

Dr. L :

His "issue" if we want to call it that...is not a big deal. He needs to accept that he is a male with sexual feelings. Period.

Customer:

Totally awesome!

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience: Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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