How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Alicia_MSW Your Own Question

Alicia_MSW
Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 554
Experience:  Specializing in mental health counseling
65143460
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Alicia_MSW is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

my boyfriend from another country broke up with me after his

Resolved Question:

my boyfriend from another country broke up with me after his dad died. As he hadnt contacted me for few days i didnt know what happened. doubts set in and i criticised and maligned him. eventually he asked me to move on in life. said its just not mean to be for us. What should i do? i really want to be with him


 


What i forget to add was that i was visiting him in his country when his dad passed away in another country. When i returned to my country, he hasnt contacted me at all. thus i kept sending him mesaages and email. Till doubts set it.  We only dated for 4 months.


He mentioned that he is not even sure whether he needs to relocate to the country his mum is staying now.


He said i had been accusing him of sincerity.  he is a divorcee with 2 sons aged 17 and 21, who are staying with him.


 


He asked me to move on. i have a lot to offer someone and will make that person happy. ended with it is just not meant to be for us.


 


What should i do to win him back? I was supposed to visit him in 3 weeks time in his country. I really love him

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 1 year ago.
Hi there,

I can understand how upsetting and confusing this must be for you, but it's not unusual for breakups to occur in relationships when one partner has suffered a serious loss, such as the one your boyfriend is dealing with. It sounds like he is trying to deal with the loss of his dad and a lot of other interrelated issues (such as relocation and so forth) and he's taking a step back from your relationship to try to sort things out. I don't know if there were any problems in your relationship during the four months you were dating, but I imagine that four months isn't a very long time for any major issues to develop, so I am basing my answer on the assumption that things were otherwise okay between you two.

I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but based on what you've described here, right now it seems that the best thing to do is to honor his wishes and give him the space he's asking for. I don't think continuing to try to contact him or email him is going to be successful, especially if you do it on a continuous basis. I am sure you have a lot to offer to someone who will appreciate you and want to be with you - so you should not spend too much time on your ex right now because that energy could be spent on moving on and living your life. You might be missing out on a lot of opportunities to be with the "right" person for you because you can't see them.

That's not to completely discourage you, of course - no one can see the future, so I can't say for sure that it's truly over between the two of you. But what I am suggesting is that you just take a break (for a week or so) to give yourself some time to breathe. Focus on yourself - see your friends, do things you enjoy, try to get your mind off him for the next couple of days. I also would advise against emailing him or trying to contact him - just give him space. Then next week or so, you could try once to reach out to him. Sometimes, distance makes the heart grow fonder, and he might actually start to miss you if you're not always "around" (meaning trying to contact him and so forth.) It's not easy, but it might work.

I hope that helps, and I wish you luck. Please let me know if you have any more questions. Best wishes.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

We have been very loving since we dated in Oct. we text each other daily an average of 10 texts. we have never argued. This only happened 2 weeks ago. when he was supposed to me meet me in my hotel but his dad died. i thought he lied. But i realised its truth. When i was there, he introduced me to his best friend and cousin. sent me an email on the night he was to meet me, to say his dad had a stroke and he was serious with me in this relationship. I was very sad when he didnt contact me when i am back in my country. I guess i had issues with trust. its my first LDR. I was worried. he knew i had already made arrangements to fly in March. I started leashing out on him last Saturday when I felt he was purposely avoiding me. i even doubted he was in another country. But indeed he is. He said i compounded his issues. having to deal with his dad's death, settling isses, leaving his sons alone in his country and then his mum refusing to fly back with him. and his job giving him stress if he doesnt return soon.


I told him if he is out to cut off from me, say so. dont lie and avoid me. I guess i was harsh.


 


its only 4 months but we we going to make it work. But now he merely said, I didnt know what he meant when he said he is not ready for any relationship now. He meant it. Asked me to move on.


 


Does it mean there is no love for me? or is overtaken by his stress?


I was thinking to continue with my fly to visit his country... he knows the date. Should i give him a call when i am there? Well, to date, i am not sure he is back in his country. but last weekend he was not.

Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 1 year ago.
Hi again,

I do think that a lot of what has happened is simply due to the emotional upheaval he's experienced since the loss of his dad, because this probbaly turned his entire world upside-down. I am as baffled as you are by the fact that everything was so great between the two of you prior to this happening, because you would think that he would turn to you as a source of support instead of pushing you away, but this is the way some people deal with grief. Maybe some of the difficulty also comes from the fact that you're both in different countries, so he's having trouble dealing with the obvious issues that are related to that (visiting, distance, etc) - but maybe this is a temporary issue. Perhaps this is why he's decided that the easiest thing to do is cut you off (right now - I'm starting to think that maybe this isn't a permanent decision based on some of the things you've said here.)

I can understand why you might have lashed out at him, especially if you had the feeling he was lying to you, but maybe this is part of the reason why he's giving you these replies, such as he's not ready for a relationship and asking you to move on. He might have been hurt because he felt like you were accusing him of something that wasn't true, and it's compounded by the fact that he was grieving the loss of his dad while this was happening.

If things were so good between you two, then I would bet that this is all being caused by his grief and the stress of losing his dad. (I can't say for sure, because I can't read his mind, of course.) I think he is just trying to get some space so he can deal with the grief and process his feelings. Sometimes, people (especially men) push the ones who love them most away when they are handling crises and situations like this because they feel like they need to handle things on their own. So I think this is why he told you to move on. But I don't think it's because he doesn't love you. It's because he needs to be alone right now - and you can love him best by giving him the space he needs.

So I think it's smart to give him some space, at least for a little while. I worry that he might push you away even more if you keep trying to bring him back to you. Give him space, and then contact him next week. You can then feel him out to see whether it's a good idea to fly to visit him. I have a feeling that visiting him is something you really want to do, so I think if you do decide to visit, it's smart to call him when you are there, but you should also contact him next week or in 10 days or so just to see how he's doing. Try not to put any pressure on him, just make it a friendly phone call so he doesn't feel pressured.

Good luck! And please let me know if you have any additional questions.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


You have been the most helpful.

Two people i spoke to, said i was not wrong to lash out on him. He shouldnt have not meet me before i fly back to my country. They said he is insincere. Then when i came back, he didnt contact me. So i was affected. I actually believed he was sincere and and i know him, he likes to keep to himself when things happened. after that he would share.

 

Yes, we text each other every two hours for the past four months. we know each other from an online dating site. I only met him twice when i flew two weeks ago. We agreed i would fly in march and then in April he would fly over.

Once he nearly broke off with me thinking i was a party goer. Misunderstanding cleared. We never argued about issues between us. Only misunderstanding. This is because he likes keeping things to himself. The day i saw him before his dad incident happened, he looked distracted. i asked him. he didnt say anything. Only via the email I found out about his dad and how serious he is with me in this relationship when i lash out him before i returned to my country via text messages.

We both shared our past. And we talked about me relocating to his country to work or we work elsewhere.

Everything seems so lost now. I feel very sad. I told him I am willing to wait. it was all ok till the final lashing last Saturday. Then he said" I really am not in a position to be in any relationship at all now."

I thought sending him a reply to say how much i love him and i will be support for him.. would be sweet. yet... he replied "I really don't think you understood me when I said that I am not in a position
for any relationship now. I meant it.I have some decisions I need to make about where I will live and what I will do.
It's already complicated enough without having to think about anyone else as well.Please move on with your life and find someone who is right for you.You have a lot to offer and will make someone happy - it's just not meant to be for us."

I did sent him 3 reply. telling him i still care for him as a friend. though one of it.. i said he didnt appreciate and cherish me.

This was just Monday. After that, he did not reply neither did i communcate with him anymore.

 

I am really lost. Actually my intention was to fly. but not informing him. when i am there then perhaps drop him a text. I dont know.

 

It is really affecting me... I am so confused. I guess i hurt him by insulting him for playing with my feelings and even questioned if his dad really died.

 

Also at this time, his ex is creating trouble. asking for extra child support money as she is helping to look after one of the son.

 

Seriously, do u think he might come around and contact me if i were to wait it out?

 

I have forgotten to add that this is not his first LDR. the previous gf of 2 years was also LDR.


To clarify myself, he was distracted when i met him as he had bad dreams about things happening to his dad. and he didnt share till in the email.

Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 1 year ago.
Well, I do understand why you lashed out at him, because you were feeling understandably upset and you didn't know the entire situation. So I think it's understandable, as your friends have said, but your boyfriend might not have understood completely why you did this because he wasn't in the mental state to understand, if that makes sense.

But that's something you have to try to put behind you and forgive yourself for doing. Try not to beat yourself up for it because you're only human and you were reacting to the circumstances at the time. He is reacting to the fact that he didn't feel supported by you, but it's a misunderstanding that is easily cleared up when the right moment comes around. Just try to let it go for now, though, if you can.

I know and understand that you are feeling incredibly sad, but I don't think you should give up hope completely. You obviously love and care for him very much, and I think he knows that on some level, despite the fact that he might seem like he doesn't care right now. He is trying to sort out his life, as you've said, in terms of where he's going to live and what he's going to do, and he's obviously got a lot to think about. So it might be that the relationship is just too complicated for him right now. (Right now - but that doesn't necessarily mean forever.)

I understand why you say certain things, because your feelings are understandably hurt, but I would advise against saying certain things to him, like he doesn't appreciate you. This might push him away more. Right now he needs to get over feeling that you were taking things out on him (even if it's understandable, he's still also entitled to be upset by it.), and I think that's why space is so important.

I also think that it's understandable that you feel confused, which is why space is also a good idea for you. You need to take a step back and take care of yourself.

Now with what you said regarding the ex, this is only further complicating matters for him, so it really sounds like he has a lot on his plate to deal with.

Regardless, he should be used to certain things if you're not his first LDR, but I think the stress of everything he's dealing with now is making the inherent issues of an LDR more apparent.

So I do think that he might contact you if you were to give him space. He might not - I don't want to give you false hope. But to me, it seems like the only reasonable option. If you keep trying to pull him back, he's only going to pull away further. So maybe just don't make a decision about flying to see him just yet. Play it by ear and see how it goes. There's no need to make yourself crazy about this - things always have a way of working out the way they should in the end. So just try to have a bit of faith and relax as much as you can about it - if it's meant to be, it will work out on it's own and he will come back to you.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

u know, i should have just asked u all these rather than my friends. other wise things would have been better. He did say in the very first email he sent after last Sat i lashed out on him. All he wanted was a little time to sort things out. but i used words like "he is not a man, all he wanted was intimacy, sex, insincere, doesnt like me etc etc" He replied "Your calls and texts while having to deal with the myriad issues of church, funeral preparations and wills etc while at the same time grieving for his loss, simply compounded things. And then accusations of lying, not being a man, just wanting sex, being insincere and whatever else, I simply have not had the mental energy to focus upon has really added an extra unneeded layer to my problems."

 

I really feel i have hurt him.

 

I actually told him i booked the ticket to fly and hotel. I cant refund it. can only entitled to change dates and country to fly.

 

Well, i dont even know where he is now. I guess i really doubted him.. as he is my first LDR and online guy. I even fb his son in pte message asking hows his dad when i didnt hear from my bf for days. well, his son didnt reply as my mail wasnt read. no his son have not met me but according to his dad, he told them he was seeing me.

 

I am guilty actually. I really want this guy alot. we share similar interests. the recent trip to see him i bought him books and CDs and it was what he likes.he was very touched.

 

That was why i feel lost. I flew there 4 days. saw him 2 days only. I felt he was insincere. but when i looked through all the messages he ever text me since last Oct, i realised he was sincere. the other 2 days he was really caught up with his dad's death. I guess i just couldnt undertsand why he cannot even text me to say where he is now.

 

I mean even though he carries his hp, i dont know why he had to email me instead of texting. it added to my doubts.

Right now, i am shattered. it took me long to accept him. I really hope he will contact me soon. For now, i wont do anything. but to pray for him. I guess u are right, he does love me. he did sent me this email before the lashing on Saturday. the day before i flew back.

"Please know that I would never have introduced you to my best friend and cousin and told my boys that I'm seeing you, if I were not serious. It is not easy living away from parents, being a single father and trying to concentrate on my own needs as well. Although I don't easily declare my love, and may come across as cold, but continuing our correspondence for so long, sending songs, and
spending as much time as I could etc at home so i can have more
time with you, is not something I would do, just for a game. "

Thats really saddens me each time i read the email.

i regretted my insults and doubts on him.

Its been 2 weeks since his dad passed away.

But its only 3 days since he emailed me to stop the relationship.

yes, it complicated things when his ex wife harrassed him. he hates it. and his job doesnt allow him to apply many leave. yet he is guilty of leaving his mum alone in her country.

 

Really hope things can have a turn around when he returned back his country. I am depressed.

 

I guess i have to wait. But i am dying to know, does a 4 mnth old relationship warrant a guy to want back his gf after he broke up?

 

And u know whats my two greatest fears?

That he deleted my contact number and email.

And that he falls for another girl.

 

And yes, i cant call him, as he may not want to pick up my calls

Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 1 year ago.
Oh, I really do feel for you in this situation. It's so difficult, because I can hear how hurt he feels, but I can also see how crushed you are by this all. You can't change the past, and what's happened has happened. I know it's so tempting to dwell on things and think about how you might have done certain things differently - but all you can do now is change how you act in the present. The way you are feeling is completely normal under the circumstances, but the only way through it is through it. You have to feel the pain right now, as much as you might wish it to go away. The same is true for him - he has to deal with his hurt and grief. Then you can begin the reconciliation process, if you're both willing. It's only three days since the email to end things, so you need to give it time. I know it sounds like the last thing you want to do because you wish you could just be with him, but there's just no way around it. Don't drive yourself crazy with these other thoughts, such as him falling for someone else (he's in no state of mind to meet anyone right now, so I would not worry too much about that) or deleting your number. He's understandably confused and hurt. You could also just let him know again next week that you are very sorry for lashing out, but that you were confused and didn't understand the situation. You could also just tell him that it's partially due to the distance that misunderstandings like these get blown out of proportion. But just try to keep things supportive and light - just show him that you are still the same person he originally fell in love with. Prayer is an excellent tool to get you through this- just pray for peace for the both of you, and I will do the same...Just take things one day at a time.
Best wishes.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you so much.


I did send him an email and text messages explaining why i lashed out on him on Saturday prior to his "breaking off" with me email.


I guess i have to give him time.


If i were to email him now to explain that will push him further.


 


Yep, I will just pray for peace. I guess i have to work on myself too on trust issues.


 


Just hope he will contact me before i could.

Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 1 year ago.
You're welcome. I hope it all works out - just have faith that things will unfold as they are meant to.

Please rate my answer when you are ready, so that I may receive credit for my time. And please feel free to contact me in the future if you need additional assistance.

Best of luck!
Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 554
Experience: Specializing in mental health counseling
Alicia_MSW and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education