Hello, I am available to assist you- welcome!
I'm sorry for your struggle in your life. You are a young woman with a lot of life to live!
First and most important, are you safe, you said you are feeling suicidal?
It is important to make sure you are safe, not going to hurt yourself.
If you have intentions or plans to harm yourself I can connect you with someone who can assess your safety. If you are safe and do not have plans nor intentions to harm yourself I may be able to be of some help.
Are you available for a live chat?
You sound very isolated, lonely, and sad.
Have you spoken to your doctor about your medications not helping? Since you have been on them for five years, they may not be as effective for you and need to be checked, adjusted, and or changed.
When we feel down and alone, that is when we need the support the most. It does not sound like your family is a support for you currently.
What you describe is too much for you to have to deal with alone.
However, at the same time, when we are sad, depressed, and anxious, it is difficult to seek the help we so need- and deserve.
I'm glad you reached out today and posted on this site.
You said you are in a "loveless" marriage, again, the person we would hope would support us when we are down, is not available to you.
Feeling as you do, in such a dark and lonely place, feels hopeless. When we are depressed and anxious it is almost as if we need to do the opposite of what we feel like doing. You may tend to isolate and spend a lot of time alone- when what you will need to do to begin feeling better is getting out. A good start would be to contact your doctor regarding your medications. It may be beneficial, if you lack support, to seek out counseling to help you through a really difficult time.
There is hope, there is help, there are people out there who can offer you support.
Like you said to top it off you lost your job!! Your plate is too full, and you need help sorting through all of this. You can not do it alone. Being alone and in such despair continues to feel that darkness you feel. Have you considered seeking out the support/help from a counselor?
Today you took the time to reach out, it's a statement that you know things need to change in order for you to get better. Identify those things that are working and are not working. List the things you may be able to have an impact on, and those things you can not control. I ask you: If you were to go to bed tonight, a miracle happened and you woke up feeling "happy" what would be different in your life? Who would be in your life, where would you be, be really specific in picturing what your life would look like "happy". This can help you to begin to see what needs to change, and or what you can incorporate into your life that would lead towards more happiness.
This picture of happy can include specific things such as what time you would get up, how you would greet the day, who would be there, etc.
This miracle question comes from solution focused therapy. Identify what it looks like can help you better define how to get there.
It is important for you to first speak to your doctor about your mood, anxiety and the meds not being effective. A change in medication may provide you with a bit of a boost to seek out the support and help you need and deserve. You deserve the good things in life, sometimes when we are depressed and hopeless we forget that happiness is possible- feeling so hopeless, helpless, lost and alone.
If you are unhappy in your marriage you will have to take steps towards making that better, and or make changes in that area. It's important to first address the depression before making any major life changing decisions, such as it relates to your marriage. First addressing the depression can hopefully make things more clear to you about what sort of change needs to happen.
It sounds like there are layers of things you are struggling with. Sorting this out with the help of your doctor and a counselor may be "just what the doctor ordered". If you are feeling unsafe and are considering harming yourself, get yourself to the hospital, and or call someone who can get you there. I want to be sure you are safe- most important!!
I look forward to hearing any other comments or questions you may have. Thank you for your post today. Best wishes to you- there is hope, there is light, do remember that, even though it does not feel that way right now.