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Ryan LCSW, Mental Health
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience:  Individual and Family Therapist
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I have been seeing someone for 1.5 years and he repeatedly

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I have been seeing someone for 1.5 years and he repeatedly loses his temper over minor incidences. For a year he has been on a quest to get me to admit to having an inappropriate relationship with my daughters (17) good male friend. He saw me hug and pat the young mans leg at a ballgame and has insisted that there is more to the relationship. I have repeatedly told him that it was nothing that I behave friendly to all my daughters friends but he insists this was obviously sexual in nature. He states he does not care if it happened but he will not tolerate me being dishonest about it and states that we are over if I dont explain the relationship and then give him the details to the extent of the relationship. I am absolutely repulsed by the thought of having a relationship with any of my babies friends but he will not relent and states that he cannot trust me and I am a liar and because of my behavior and lack of honesty he cannot continue with this relationship even though he states I am the love of his life. He does this all over texting. This cycles about every 6 weeks and will last 5-7 days of constant cruel accusations and language. I have not lied to him, in fact I have gone above and beyond to prove my loyalty. I have caught him in several lies and inappropriate texting/behaviors and when I confront him he seems to turn the whole event into my fault. I have never met anyone like this in my life and I dont understand why I am in love with this man. We are both in our late 40's. I am heartbroken and confused. He does not consider that this is not true.
Thanks for your question.

I can certainly understand your frustration, especially since you have been completely honest and have done your best to prove this to him. You've obviously done nothing wrong, and while I respect your efforts to correct this misunderstanding, the problem seems to be his own inability to trust you despite your best efforts. You may have handled everything properly, but if he has trust issues, it's going to continue to be an uphill battle until he starts to recognize that.

Often times a person's insecurities will cause them to behave like this, and if he has been known to lie in the past, it may be his assumption that you would do the same thing, even if that is not the case. While it's understandable that you would make some efforts to try and prove your loyalty, after a certain point, the responsibility is on him to put some trust in you and let this situation go.

There may be a lot of great things about him, but it does sound like trust is going to be an ongoing issue until he is willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. If there was something specific that he could verbalize that would help him to trust you, that would give you a place to start. Otherwise, it's possible that even if you solve this particular issue, that these trust issues will continue manifest itself in a different way.

I definitely wish you the best with all of this, and if there's anything else I can do to help please let me know.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I realize all that you have said. I just don't understand the relentless abusive accusations and his refusal to try to believe me. I am trying to understand if this will ever resolve or if he has other issues that I am not seeing. He is very abusive with his accusations. He always blames everyone else for his shortcomings and he has a super inflated sense of self and sense of what people owe him.

It seems fairly safe to say that he has other issues that are contributing to this. Most people in relationships would generally trust their partner, even if they thought they saw something that scared them or made them suspicious. Unless you've previously given him reasons not to trust you, this seems like a very extreme reaction on his part. All of these behaviors that you mentioned often stem from insecurities, including the inflated sense of self, blaming everyone else etc. Logically, he should believe you. However, if he struggles with insecurities, that can manifest itself in some very nasty and abusive ways if he gets the slightest feeling that you would be interested in someone else. That causes him to overreact out of fear and anger, and also is a common way that people who are insecure unintentionally sabotage their own relationships.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

He did not tell me anything that was not obvious. I was looking for more insight. I already knew these things and I am not educated in psychology but am a pharmacist.

I'm sorry to see that you rated my response poorly which will be reflected on my permanent record. I'm doing my best to help you out, but perhaps I'm not understanding what specific information you're looking for. Can you please clarify your question?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Why would his response be so vehemently adverse. What would make him interpret my behavior as sexual in nature? Why does this recycle every 6-8 weeks. Why does he blame me for all the fights even when he has been caught in the impropriety? When I am doing everything possible to love and help this person, what makes him love me to the moon and back one second and then the very next want to discard our relationship? Why the verbal abuse? Nothing is ever his fault. I have helped him get on his feet, pay his bills, take care of his children, etc. He is an educated man - a Physician, so what gives?

Insecurities are often enough to cause all of behaviors you've mentioned. There are other common explanations including depression, anxiety, and low self esteem. All of that goes hand in hand. If you feel like his emotions change drastically and occur in cycles, it is also possible that he is bipolar, although that does not necessarily make someone abusive. Some of the behaviors that you've described are also narcissistic with the way he acts entitled and like nothing is his fault. It is possible that he could be diagnosed with some of these problems, but nothing excuses the behavior. Trying to find the exact explanation is going to be very difficult unless he is willing to communicate with you about it. Unfortunately right now it seems as if he is in denial, which makes it difficult to help him or get a clear understanding of exactly why he is acting like this.

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