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Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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Hello I am 25 years old man, I am turning 26 next month. I

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Hello I am 25 years old man, I am turning 26 next month.
I am a really successful young man. I have finished my studies in general nursing and I have a specialization in mental health nursing, too.
My biggest secret is that I am still a virgin. I am disgusted by having sex with women but I really do not want to be gay. Gay people in my country are usually being raped and actually being gay in my country even if it is not illegal, a lot of people think that you have to have sex with them if you are gay.
I just want to find the perfect partner and live with him forever. But even If I do find my perfect partner I want to have children and live with them like a father. But what kind of father can I ever be if I am gay? God will will punish me and my children for this sin! On top of that what will the society say for me being gay? My kids will be black0labeled for life and I will a shame my family for ever.
I am greek and christian orthodox and being gay in greek (not a hidden gay but a gay who admits it and lives with his gay partner in greece is unacceptable.
I know a lot of people who are gay but have it "hidden" from the society and have children but it is ok for them. But not for gay who admit it :( And I do want to have a normal respectful and sincere life and not live in a lie just because the society demands it
On top of that I am virgin. I have tried numerous times to have sex with prostitutes but with no avail. And even when I had a hard on it was because I was thinking of men. But the hard on was for mere seconds because I am simply disgusted by women. Trust me nothing turns me off more than a naked woman.
I am too afraid to go to a psychologist because I am afraid not to reveal my secret. Not to mention that being gay in my country is often treated in mental health institutes as a psychiatric disorder and there are cures like "therapeutic rape from the opposite sex".
Sometimes I even think to end my life! I know I have a perfect idol outside to the society but I suffer inside me.
Lastly I do not have stale friends because they think I am stupid because I say " I do not want to discuss sexual personal matters". They do not think of me as gay because I am very muscular and I do not look like a gay man but the think I am uninteresting and stupid for the reason explained.:(

I am so sad! I do not like myself. Sometimes I am jealous of straight men who are sick and I do not appreciate myself for being healthy but gay! I know it sounds bad and unfaithful and many more but I really feel like the worst person on Earth for being gay in an enclosed society!!

Please I am desperate! I have no hope anymore! I believe I will be doomed like that for an eternity! :(

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Sorry to keep you waiting- Welcome!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Thank you for your post. I'm sorry for your struggle in your life. I do hope I can provide some words of support and hope for you.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Fortunately for some in other countries this is not so. Like you said those that are gay live in secret in your country. This is not something you have created nor chosen. If you had the "power", like you said you would choose to be straight so you can live peacefully in your country. It is only a piece of who you are. This does not define you as a bad nor defective person.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You are living under traditional and rigid beliefs, thankfully that is changing in many places. In the United States it is more mainstream. I can not say that there is full acceptance of "gay" in the states, but people live more openly and freely. We are "colorful" birds in the u.s!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Many people such as yourself wish more than anything to change their sexual preference, but you state it perfectly, you are just not interested in women- you have certainly given it a try. We are born with a particular sexual preference, it is how you are wired.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Feeling alone and isolated only feeds you shame. It is important to find a support network. Taking steps to connect with others so you do not feel so alone.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You have many things going "right" such as being successful young man. Your specialization in mental health nursing will help you to help others one day, maybe in similar situations as yourself. What you describe sounds like the "dark" ages to those who live more freely. I say this with conviction and confidence, you will not be punished for this, nor will your children. You are a good person, you feel deeply, and you are struggling with something you can do little about-other than live in "secret". I would imagine gays live in a secret, underground society as a way to function, cope, in your country.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I would imagine, and hope that in the helping profession in your country, those professionals are much more open minded. Seeking out a a therapist or psychologist is a good idea. I assure you, there is someone out there that can provide support and guidance for you. Maybe it won't be that first counselor that you see, but they are out there. The mental health counselors are the professionals who deal with this "secret" stuff, similar to you, and the suffering because of the judgment. We as counselors seek this field because of the compassion and understanding we feel for others.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Many people live secretly miserable. They look perfectly successful and happy on the outside but struggle alone within. You are not alone in this. We all become quite good at wearing "masks" in order to fit in, belong, to be accepted. We all want that.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You are so sad because you are not accepting yourself for who you are. Your happiness with come from self acceptance, knowing this is just a part of you, something you did not cause, create, nor want it to continue. You have described giving it a good try to fight what is coming naturally for you- it's not working. Surrendering to something you have no control of is a big first step. You took a big step in posting today. I'm glad you reached out.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

There are many parts of our self, our sexuality is only a part of that. There is much good in you, and you are a good person, who feels deeply- that'

Jean N/20pluscounts :

That's what makes this so difficult, because you feel so deeply. That is a good quality, but it also makes you more susceptible to being hurt. You going into the nursing field, especially mental health, you will be a great asset to the field- your help and support is needed by others. Sometimes it is when we are most in the dark that we are enlightened. This crisis can be an opportunity for you- to be brave, have courage, to begin the task to self acceptance.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You beating yourself up about this, telling yourself such hurtful and negative things is not productive, it will only create more hurt and suffering for you. Find someone who can validate you just as you are. You are not doomed- again, I say that with confidence- God represents good, acceptance, unconditional love- I'm sure of it!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It's difficult that you have been dealt something you feel is a burden. Our outlook and perception of things determine our ability to be happy. I'm hearing you say you are not happy and that it centers around fighting what is coming natural for you.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You have a lot to offer the world- for sure!! Somehow, even though you struggle with this, you have continued to carry on, pick yourself up and continue on. Do not carry the weight of the world on your shoulders alone. You know deep in your heart and soul you were born this way, and it's not working to continue to fight. Most important is to find someone who can help you on the road to more self acceptance in a country where it's most difficult. You are bright and have been successful in your studies. It says a lot about what a strong person you are. Trust in yourself that you are good just as you are. Focus on the good, your strengths, verses something you can do nothing to change. Focus on what is going right, vs. what you see as wrong or defective. You have nothing to be ashamed of being a virgin. It says a lot about your character and that you have dignity.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm sorry I missed you on line. Please continue to post any other comments or questions you may have. I look forward to any comments you may have.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I feel very awkward of how much you got to know about me without even meeting me! Thank you very much for your kind words!

Unfortunately psychologist and generally most mental health professionals in my country know each other and I do not even dare to think a psychologist will speak about me without my consent or even send me to a psychiatrist to treat me for a gender-disorder because I am gay!

What else can I do? I am in the phase that I have accepted it. I do not want to tell this to my family! I am telling my family that now that I have moved in another city I have met a woman and that we are in love.

I can not believe I have told them such a lie!! But my mother will suffer from knowing this, and she is has a weak heart and blood pressure disorder. How can I even say to her I am gay? It will break her heart!

After my mother divorced I was her only person who helped her. My sister got married and would not care for us and my brother was abroad studying, also not caring about us. I was in high school in the mornings and used to work during the evenings to shop for our grocery because of the lawns my father left to my mother.

My mother was devastated and I was the only light in her life. She never told me like that until recently ten years ago when I planned her a surprise party and reunited her with all of her family and her sisters.

She told me she was proud for me and that she wants to see me getting married and have children that will be smart as me. She is so proud for me that she will not tolerate that. She is not that strong! I know that her heart will not accept that.

I can not live anymore in this lie! I am so miserable! I always seek out the truth and a sincere life and now I live in a lie. I AM A LIE! A FAKE!

I want to leave my country but I do not know what will happen to my mother! My bro and sis do not even care for her! I still shop grocery once a week to help her because she is having financial difficulties!

And I have to deal with this burden, my job's burden and the fact that I am gay, too. Sometimes I feel I want to get away and I am afraid I will do it but I will never return because I would not want to know what happened after I left. I just can't deal with all these.

Everything happened to me in such small ages. i did not even got the chance to grow up normally as a teenagers. I went straight up from a child to a young adult! Sometimes I feel I am still a child and still miss my cartoons. And watch cartoons because it is the only happy memory I have from my childhood. My father does not even want to talk to us nor I know what happened to him since 12 years ago. I was 13 when I started working out. Maybe this is why I wanted to study so hard. And I did study with full scholarships and even my specialization in mental health nursing was a full scholarship with a salary of 850euro per month. And I was among 20men between 400! I felt happy and jumped up and down when I was notified I was accredited for a specialization, especially the one I always dreamed of. But then I felt sorrow because I was gay and i did not deserve to be a man between another 19men. I was gay. I am gay.

Yesterday I took a bucket and filled it with water, put my head in and screamed so nobody could hear me. I wanted to scream but I did not want anyone to know how much I was suffering!

I do not know what to do. I go to the gym for 2 hours per day. i cook, bake cakes, do my garden and plant roses, I go running by a lake, i feed the ducks, tried hiking and many more sports like martial arts but I can not get it out of my head that I am gay.

You said it is a part of me I agree it can not be changed.

So what, how do I behave from this point and on? what should I do from this point and on? I am so used to the role of a manly man that nobody will take me seriously if I tell them that I am gay.

Not only that HOW DO I COPE WITH BEING GAY? How do I approach people? How do I know if others are gay? there are so many questions and so many social dexteritys that I lack that I am incapable of doing anything right now. :(

How can I tell my relatives know I am gay? I do not want to keep lieing to them that I have fake relationships with "ghost" people. But I do not really feel like I am obliged to let them know.

Apart from my mother's health I alone feel that i will not be able to accept and rejection from them. :(


Right now I need all the acceptance, wise guidance and help I can possibly find from anybody. Even God left me alone to suffer :(

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm sorry you are so sad :( You sound like such a kind, sensitive, caring, loving person. What you describe what you enjoy doing such as baking, gardening, feeding the ducks- such a beautiful sight. Things you do to feed your soul. You are battling yourself more than anyone would likely battle with you. We are so much more critical of ourselves, than anyone can be. I do believe most people are good. It just so happens when you are dealing with something you feel shame about, your thoughts tend to go towards "all people" being judgmental. I am not minimizing the challenge you face with the strict "rules", and judgments about sexuality. What matters the most, is you finding a place, a space where you begin telling yourself you have done the best you can considering all of what has happened.

I understand you do not want to upset your mother, especially if her heart is weak. You do not want to hurt her, she is in a delicate state. You do not want to have to live with thinking you "broke" her heart. You do not have to tell anyone, or you decide to begin telling one person, see how they respond.

You are right you did not have a chance to be a kid- it's healing to you to "play" be a kid, we need never stop doing that. I hear you doing nothing but good, doing all you can to cope with this, trying so many things to make it better. Rather than looking at this as a lie or fake, remind yourself the consequences for doing otherwise are too high right now for you. It's not "safe" to venture "out" yet. I'm sensing that a good part of your struggle is living the secret. The secret is for a reason, for now, it does not always have to be that way.

Making those difficult decisions such as moving somewhere where you would feel more accepted may need to happen. WIth the success in your studies and potential for jobs elsewhere will give you options of where to live. There is light at the end of the tunnel- it seems so bleak right now, but it can get better as you decide you do have choices. Where to live, who to tell, how you want to live your life.

I really appreciate you sharing, I feel honored. There is no easy way, right way to do this. Identify those things that you can change to make this better, and those things you are powerless to change. You are powerless to make yourself straight, but you are not powerless to make changes of where you will live, where you will work, who will be in your life. There are good, loving, and accepting people out there who will love you for who you are. You are good just the way you are- What a good man, good person you are for caring so much about your family, about your mom. Doing what you had to do to care for her when your father was not there. You stepped it up because you had to.

You are not obligated to tell anyone if it will hurt you more than help. You do need to be wise and protect yourself. Time will tell as you venture out into the world, work, people will come along when you most need them. It's amazing how that happens. Wait, be patient, that person will come into your life when you least expect it.

It is vital for you to find a support network of some kind. Taking those risks to reach out to others- may not be your family, for now. It takes great courage- being really afraid but doing it anyway. Allow people into your life, let them get to know "you" not necessarily what sexual preference you are. If they are true friends your sexuality does not matter. Sexuality is on a continuum- we all fall throughout that- no one person is all straight, all gay, all masculine, all feminine- we are a beautiful combination of it all. You sound like someone anyone would be lucky to have in their life. You are good, you are kind, you can be happy in your life.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I have started planning to move forever to Australia. I have chosen Perth which has sea and seasides that remind me of my home city which is also by the sea.

I am currently doing my msc in nursing management in English language (instead of Greek like the previous ones) so it can be approved in Australia and so I am accredited with the nurse manager title. On top of that by the time I end my msc I will complete 3 years of active nursing duty. My relatives know I will leave for Australia for migrating purposes. They are sad but they can understand that I mean it but they do not understand why. I prefer not to tell them why because it will make them suffer more by knowing instead of not knowing!

I am really grateful for all of your kind words. But would you please give me some last pieces of advice like how to tell my friends I am gay without harassing them? I do not want to be left alone anymore! I do not deserve being lonely after all I have been through!

What do you mean by saying it is not "safe" to venture "out" yet? If it has to do with my virginity then yes I am not losing my virginity to someone I will never see in my life again. I want to lose my virginity to someone I will be able to see every day and have with me for the rest of my life or at least the biggest part of my life!

I might sound fool but really I do imagine my sex partner as my prince!

I do have a very VERY gay friend who changes sexual partners at least 3-5 times A DAY!!! And he is my friend since we have joined the army (joining the army is obligatory in my country and it lasts 2 years), he knows I am confused and he is even confused with me. He knows I am gay but he does not really want to hurt me with words because I am innocent in this subject. He is mocking me when I tell him about my prince and he is telling me I will never have sex if I keep dreaming like that.

But the same was when i wanted to study, my teachers discouraged me telling me why a poor boy like me can ever get a scholarship and here I am 8 years after high school with a successful career.

I am not sure if it goes the same way for love affairs but I hope my dreams come true and I get my prince for life soon enough!

I am really desperate right now! I do not know what to do! I do not want to go out with my gay friend because they will label me as gay as well. And in my country psychologists and mental health professionals are very narrow minded and harass gay people until they quit their jobs. And I do not deserve that after all I have been through!

again what shall i do? I am so confused... :(

I am away from my computer. Will respond within an hour
What I meant by not ready to venture out, I think I was referring to it maybe not safe in your country to "come out". Identify those friends who are unconditional friends. Think of one person who you could begin telling, sometimes the biggest step is making that plan to "just do it". There is nothing magic to say, simply be yourself, and when the time seems right in a conversation tell that friend. It does not mean you have to go out with your gay friend. Come out more gradually and tentatively. It's natural you would be confused, wanting to do this just right. However, there is not a right nor a wrong way because you can not predict how others will respond. Be ready for any response, the most important part is you taking steps, even if they are small steps to move towards living a more authentic life. It's more important for you to "come out" to yourself, and I am hearing you moving towards that. That is a major first step.

It does sound promising- many more opportunities ahead in another country. Being away from family and your community may create more safety and comfort for you to be yourself.

I am sorry to hear that the mental health professionals are not safe for you.

You said it very clearly when you said you do not deserve to be be lonely, To feel less lonely you may have to begin taking those risks- small steps towards being your true self.

The key is to have courage. There are good things ahead for you- yes it is scary- this new adventure, taking those big steps. Be brave, put your "warrior" face on as you go into this adventure.
Wanted to offer this resource for you on line: Website is: Averting HIV and AIDS. There's much more information other than HIV and AIDS. Provides good information on various topics and offers where to find additional resources and support. Go to that website and click on link: "sex, sexuality, and relationships", then click on "gay and lesbian". You will see on the right hand side of the page LGBT: "coming out". This additional information may assist you in your struggle.

If you'd be so kind to rate my answer okay or higher so I can get credit. Much appreciated!! Let me know if I can assist you again.

Thank you,
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Hello thank you for all you have done for me!

You have been of great help! I would like to ask a final question will I be able to see and re-read this conversation whenever I want to or as soon as I rate you it will be lost forever?


PS: I am going to rate you as excellent and suggest YOU and this website whenever I get the chance! :)

You will be able to refer back to the conversation after you rate me. If you have trouble with that you can contact customer service. You should not have a problem viewing after you rate me. Take care, and the best to you. Please let me know if I can help again.
Thank You!!
Jean and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Thank you for your positive comments. Please rate okay or higher so I can get credit.
Thank you,
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Hello sorry for vanishing all of a sudden but I was not at my own house, I went back to my mother's house to talk with her.

Before I even find the courage to tell her the truth she told me of the son of own of her friend's who turned out to be gay and how she fell sorry for her and that is disgusting for a man, to be gay!! :(

Unfortunately I am so unfortunate that migrating might be my final choice for happiness. I actually kind of felt a bitterness towards my mother for her having that opinion. I felt she will never understand me and that I will always be alone if I keep trying to help her. It will be something that will drain me. But it is not easy and I am not willing to let my most beloved person in life go out from my life because she will not accept my sexual orientation. ON top of that it will kill her because it will brake her heart and it will make me more sad than ever before.


I would like to ask you something tough. I am 26 next week and I never NEVER had a sexual experience, not even a mouth to mouth kiss. Of course I am gay, i always felt that way and never felt like it to experiment with girls when I was a teenager. As I have told you already I grew up from child to adult due to circumstances. Basically I am virgin! :( I do not want to stay as a virgin anymore. I want to have a sexual life but a gay sexual life without people of taking advantage of me. I do not want to migrate abroad as a virgin though. I want to lose my virginity in my country ad let everything go away when i leave. But I also want the man who will take my virginity to be a man worthy to remember for the rest of my life.


I am so frustrated and I do not know what to do after what happened during the past weekend. :(



I will respond a bit later to your post when I have more time. Off line for a bit.
I'm sorry about your mom making those statements about a person being gay. People can be very narrow minded, partly, and simply, because of what they were taught growing up from their own parents. It's not "disgusting" to be gay, but she has been taught to believe that and I do not think she will be changing her mind anytime soon. Like you said you do not want to "break" her heart. It's okay not to tell her. Your mother loves you and really your sexual orientation does nothing to change that- it's only a part of you.

That is a tough question you post... Most important, like you said is that you are not hurt, or taken advantage of by someone. Ask yourself why it is so important to have that sexual experience, when sharing sex with someone is the most intimate, special, something to share with someone special. There is no time line for this. Someone special will come along, no, you do not know who and when. Be patient, and know that that opportunity will come along. Having "it" just to have it does not make it quite as special. First find that someone special. Save yourself for that someone someone- if they are not special it will be just "sex", and that makes it less then wonderful. If it's simply the experience you are looking for with little emotional involvement talk to your "gay" friend and he may have more insight or ideas of how that could happen. I'm not so sure I have an answer for you. It is difficult for sure.

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