I feel very awkward of how much you got to know about me without even meeting me! Thank you very much for your kind words!
Unfortunately psychologist and generally most mental health professionals in my country know each other and I do not even dare to think a psychologist will speak about me without my consent or even send me to a psychiatrist to treat me for a gender-disorder because I am gay!
What else can I do? I am in the phase that I have accepted it. I do not want to tell this to my family! I am telling my family that now that I have moved in another city I have met a woman and that we are in love.
I can not believe I have told them such a lie!! But my mother will suffer from knowing this, and she is has a weak heart and blood pressure disorder. How can I even say to her I am gay? It will break her heart!
After my mother divorced I was her only person who helped her. My sister got married and would not care for us and my brother was abroad studying, also not caring about us. I was in high school in the mornings and used to work during the evenings to shop for our grocery because of the lawns my father left to my mother.
My mother was devastated and I was the only light in her life. She never told me like that until recently ten years ago when I planned her a surprise party and reunited her with all of her family and her sisters.
She told me she was proud for me and that she wants to see me getting married and have children that will be smart as me. She is so proud for me that she will not tolerate that. She is not that strong! I know that her heart will not accept that.
I can not live anymore in this lie! I am so miserable! I always seek out the truth and a sincere life and now I live in a lie. I AM A LIE! A FAKE!
I want to leave my country but I do not know what will happen to my mother! My bro and sis do not even care for her! I still shop grocery once a week to help her because she is having financial difficulties!
And I have to deal with this burden, my job's burden and the fact that I am gay, too. Sometimes I feel I want to get away and I am afraid I will do it but I will never return because I would not want to know what happened after I left. I just can't deal with all these.
Everything happened to me in such small ages. i did not even got the chance to grow up normally as a teenagers. I went straight up from a child to a young adult! Sometimes I feel I am still a child and still miss my cartoons. And watch cartoons because it is the only happy memory I have from my childhood. My father does not even want to talk to us nor I know what happened to him since 12 years ago. I was 13 when I started working out. Maybe this is why I wanted to study so hard. And I did study with full scholarships and even my specialization in mental health nursing was a full scholarship with a salary of 850euro per month. And I was among 20men between 400! I felt happy and jumped up and down when I was notified I was accredited for a specialization, especially the one I always dreamed of. But then I felt sorrow because I was gay and i did not deserve to be a man between another 19men. I was gay. I am gay.
Yesterday I took a bucket and filled it with water, put my head in and screamed so nobody could hear me. I wanted to scream but I did not want anyone to know how much I was suffering!
I do not know what to do. I go to the gym for 2 hours per day. i cook, bake cakes, do my garden and plant roses, I go running by a lake, i feed the ducks, tried hiking and many more sports like martial arts but I can not get it out of my head that I am gay.
You said it is a part of me I agree it can not be changed.
So what, how do I behave from this point and on? what should I do from this point and on? I am so used to the role of a manly man that nobody will take me seriously if I tell them that I am gay.
Not only that HOW DO I COPE WITH BEING GAY? How do I approach people? How do I know if others are gay? there are so many questions and so many social dexteritys that I lack that I am incapable of doing anything right now. :(
How can I tell my relatives know I am gay? I do not want to keep lieing to them that I have fake relationships with "ghost" people. But I do not really feel like I am obliged to let them know.
Apart from my mother's health I alone feel that i will not be able to accept and rejection from them. :(
Right now I need all the acceptance, wise guidance and help I can possibly find from anybody. Even God left me alone to suffer :(