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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1692
Experience:  Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
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Dear Dr. Keane, I reckon Ive been a bit hard on myself these

Resolved Question:

Dear Dr. Keane, I reckon I've been a bit hard on myself these couple of days. I know I shouldn't be, seeing things as being my fault when they aren't and not feeling good about some things. Hope we can chat for a bit.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 1 year ago.

Dr.Keane :

I am sorry you a bit down, can you elaborate on what happened.

Customer:

Sorry, I should have elaborated before. I couldn't think properly how to, so to keep what has to be confidential, exactly that.

Customer:

I also just wasn't sure quite what to say, but knew I had to say something.

Customer:

There were changes made at work, which is absolutely fine, but I started to blame myself for them happening, even though I know that I am not to blame and it's to do with what is best for someone else. I started to question if I'd done something wrong or that I'm just no longer good at my job because I knew that I couldn't have done any more to help this young person, I was doing what other staff do. I said to another colleague that myself and a work colleague had tried the best that we could to handle a situation. I should not have said that because it wasn't really what she was trying to insinuate at all, as she rightly said. I've been beating myself up about that comment ever since because I (possibly wrongly) hadn't totally suggested that she was insinuating such a thing, but I felt the need to make it clear that we were handling the person we were in charge of to the best of our abilities. I normally think before I say something, but it just came out. Got a bit of a weird look for it. It's like a defense mechanism you see, to say something to try and not be in trouble or to explain myself. I have not said anything more about what I had said because I don't know whether I should or not as no one has said anything about that comment. All is quite possibly forgotten about too as things move on. I do recognise that fact. I’d been feeling quite confident about things up until recently, even with all the changes that are happening in other areas of my life. I feel sometimes it can be like that, so sometimes I feel a bit nervous about feeling really confident because of set-backs that then happen. Sometimes I can look at something or do something and think I can do that, or I don’t know how I did a task well, but I did and feel pleased with it, knowing however that somewhere down the line that just may not last.

Customer:

I have been doing productive things to take my mind off how I actually feel and my thoughts. Things that take a lot of concentration, but fun at the same time.

Customer:

I am in and out today.

Customer:

I also want to say that I don't think I've been quite so hard on myself for some time. You can of course agree or disagree with that comment though, in case I've got that quite wrong, which is always possible.

Customer:

I also want to state, which I should have done before in my posting, that there are often changes to practices, some bigger than others as that is just the nature of the job to find a good "fit" for how to handle the more difficult situations, and that is fine. That concerns everyone in the job and it's just how things need to be. I myself change things at times too. I don't know, but this time I felt like perhaps I was a bit "hard". I don't know if it's due to everything else that's been happening recently or not. I don't know if I have a legitimate reason to feel a bit low even.

Customer:

I also want to let you know that I've taken your advice and looked into the likes of linkedin and signed up. Nearly finished my profile even though I feel a bit low and just not sure what to think about myself.

Customer:

Apart from that and the fact that I now have a real end-date to my other job due to cut-backs and not being in the right grade to have it "saved" then my week is going okay. I know somehow I need to work at just getting the bit of confidence and self-esteem back that I let myself lose a bit.

Customer:

I hope you are having a good week so far!

Customer:

Thank you for getting back to me, although my info in my original posting wasn't exactly up to much. I appreciate your care. Thanks!

Customer:

Hi

Customer:

I am here

Customer:

hope I have caught you

Dr.Keane :

oh hi, just reading your post

Customer:

I assume you are just on and reading

Customer:

that's fine. Just got chance to be online just now for a little bit.

Customer:

you may well want to tell me off for being so silly after reading.

Dr.Keane :

So basically you said something that was off the mark and then you started to admonish yourself because you shouldn't have said that....okay, how are you feeling about that now that some time has passed?

Customer:

basically that was it.

Dr.Keane :

I am not going to tell you off for being silly, you have a history of reprimanding yourself whether you are wrong or not, you felt the way you felt period. Time passes, the moment passes and you are learning to shrug off the residual feelings that something is your fault, you are to blame.

Customer:

well, for a bit after I beat myself up and didn't feel too good about myself and was really negative. I would say that I am getting over it I think. Still a bit annoyed at myself, not as much as what I was but getting on with things.

Dr.Keane :

Good, and you know how to stop negative thinking and you will get on with things.....try not to make something bigger than it is. I would suspect that others involved in this conversation have not been thinking how awful you are for speaking as you did, it's over and you move on

Customer:

There have been times, many times when I can shrug things off, and for some reason or another I took this totally to heart for a couple of days. I would say that I am moving on bit by bit.

Dr.Keane :

So stop being annoyed at yourself, instead focus on the positive things you do at work (and elsewhere)

Customer:

I have been trying to do productive things. I have also been trying to stop the negative thoughts. I can't remember what most of them were now, one was something about who's going to employ me, that sort of thing.

Customer:

I have been working to stop that because I know that is nonsense.

Customer:

and it just wastes all my condfidence and self-esteem away.

Dr.Keane :

You make a very good point here, you can't remember what most of them were now. Shows how unimportant they were to begin with....it will knock your confidence down and you work very hard at keeping confidence up

Dr.Keane :

be glad that you now recognize it as such

Customer:

ok

Customer:

I think it knocked my confidence because I really started to think that perhaps I really was useless for a time.

Dr.Keane :

This is one of those situations where I'd say, okay, what you said may not have been great so give yourself five minutes to beat yourself up and then get on with the rest of your day.....actually about three minutes is enough

Dr.Keane :

what stopped you from thinking that way?

Customer:

I got on with doing something more productive and decided that perhaps I wasn't so useless and that no one has said anything about my comment.

Customer:

A lot of deep breaths also helped and a bit of thinking about how I have support.

Dr.Keane :

Good, but instead of saying you weren't so useless, tell yourself how useful you are...stay away from those negatives!!! :)

Dr.Keane :

Deep breaths help anytime....

Customer:

I am trying to stay away from the negatives. I don't think I've beat myself up quite so badly for awhile.

Dr.Keane :

no you haven't, so feel good about your progress, focus on that rather than one incident....have to run back to work...

Customer:

Thank you for chatting :)

Dr.Keane :

okay, I'll check later to see if you added anything .....enjoy the rest of the day

Customer:

you too and thanks.

Customer:

I think I would like to add more but later in the day. I also have to go out for a bit too.

Customer:

One way that I do think that the effect of beating myself up was that I was losing a bit of confidence over a group that I am involved in running and I suddenly thought that things might start going wrong there. It was suddenly a bit harder than usual to plan properly what I was going to do in-terms of short-term planning. It's something that is not new and is successful, so shouldn't have been allowing my lack of confidence to penetrate into that as well. As it happened I did get my act together and pulled together what I wanted to be doing. Another way is that I also let it penetrate into making me a bit anxious about some of the days at work immediately after I'd made the comment, and also about next week, when really I know I should be focussing on just this week first and not all the work related things I am doing next week.......I think sometimes when I really beat myself up, which perhaps I hadn't fully recognised enough to think about it, is that it can (if the beating up is really hard) have an effect on the way I think about all the areas of my life.

Customer:

You said about giving myself three or five minutes to beat myself up and then get on with the rest of my day...I will try and get better at that. I think beating myself up is one of those things that in the past anyway, was one of those things that once I started I couldn't stop very easily and thought that I deserved that,so stopping never really felt right back then and to stop feels strange. Sometimes the beating up of myself can be very fleeting and I think "what am I doing, such and such is fine" and I can move on very quickly because whatever it is is hardly major. I think with this situation I may have been making feel bigger than what it was. I feel like I am going to have to work to feeling better about it.

Customer:

I mean, I am feeling better about it than what I was, but not quite how I was feeling before the situation occurred. I have a busy week ahead full of responsibilities so I know that I need to move on from the negative thoughts and get on with living.

Customer:

I will try to work more on thinking about how useful I am too. Do you think I'm useful too?

Customer:

I hope that you enjoy the rest of your day. I will try to have tomorrow as a more positive thinking day and think about how I don't beat myself up as much as I used to do and about good progress.

Customer:

please can you let me know your thoughts and if you get this. Thanks!

Customer:

I am feeling a bit more, not quite positive, but like I may be heading in the right direction today. Still had a period of time of beating myself up in general, but as the day is progressing I am working out ways to try to handle it to get through the day.

Customer:

I am trying to work through the anxiety that seems to have occurred a bit, perhaps as some of the residual of the fact I've been admonishing myself. I hadn't particularly felt very anxious before but did late last night. I did somehow manage to get back to sleep and today I've had some bouts here and there but using all the techniques you've taught me to try to make it better.

Customer:

Today I have also been doing things to try and see that I can be a useful person.

Customer:

I am feeling a bit more positive since originally posting this and today's post has helped towards that.

Dr.Keane :

I am glad to hear that you are not as hard on yourself as you were in the past. It isn't easy to erase those negative habits that are so ingrained but you have done very well, you are determined not to let them get you down, or at least stay down too long. If you have a busy week ahead of you make sure you do something for yourself this weekend, enjoy

Dr. Keane, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1692
Experience: Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
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