How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC Your Own ...

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5506
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
54658078
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Dangerous S&M

Customer Question

My husband has been engaging in increasingly dangerous S&M sex recently with a mistress (choking until unconscious / holding head under water / hand over mouth/nose) and told me he had some thoughts in the night a while back about how to kill me (he says this was a long time ago and was only a kind of technical thought rather than a plan! ). I am involved in a lot of areas of his life as I run the house and I work for/with him as well so I am wondering if these are issues with control? I should point out that the affair is very out of character!


 


Wondering if he needs professional help? He says his taste for this has only developed in last couple of years. I think he is in midlife crisis.

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

While it is ok for couples to engage in sadomasochism (it is thought that up to one in ten couples use S&M as part of their sex lives), it sounds like your husband is going beyond the sexual side and into talking about homicide. And that is where the problem lies.

S&M is often linked to expressing the need to control and to dominate others. It can be a way to release pent up emotions that are suppressed. Many people who were unable to express their feelings as children or who experienced shame associated with feelings, especially sexuality, enjoy S&M as a way to let those feelings out while gaining "control" over a partner in a safe and agreed upon way. In other words, it is something both people find enjoyable and it does not go beyond an agreed upon point.

But your husband is increasing in his need for more excitement and his desires are not for more S&M but for someone dying in the situation. That indicates homicidal ideation. And he is not just expressing this desire but finding someone who will participate in his desires. Then to express to you that he wants to kill you is dangerous.

Your husband does need to talk to a therapist. However, you may want to contact your local ER just to talk to them about what you are hearing. Anytime someone expresses a desire to hurt someone or kill someone, connected to sex or not, should be taken very seriously especially if they have taken steps to express these desires. And you need someone to look at your husband for you, talk to him and see how far these desires go. Just as you would with someone who is suicidal, someone who is homicidal needs help. This is not going to get better without some type of intervention.

You may also want to consider your own safety as well. Even if he is telling you that his thoughts were technical rather than a plan, he has thought through how he would hurt you and that says there is more to it than he is letting on. Your safety is important.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate





May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5506
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Can I help you any further?

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Kate - sorry but yes I would like to ask you some more please. I am interested in the motivation behind the affair and what you think as an expert.


 


It is out of character for him to behave this way, we have been together almost 22 years and anyone that knows us would tell you he is just not someone you would suspect of this kind of thing.


 


The other woman is (on the surface) quite similar to me, strong personality, tall, similar body type, and i wondered if it is possible he picked her as a 'substitute' for me that he could 'punish'? He has told me it was not an emotional choice and he only developed feelings for her after a few months.


 


When I first knew about the type of sex they were engaging in I asked him when he had started craving it and why he had not spoken to me and he said he didn't want to do those things to me, that our sex was more loving.


 


Thanks.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
He could have picked her as a substitute for you, but without knowing him or talking to him face to face, it is very hard to tell why he would do what he has done. A lot of it depends on his background and history with this type of behavior.

In general however, what it obvious is that he has crossed a line with his behavior. It is one thing to engage in s&m but it is quite another to express homicidal ideation and take on a mistress in order to play out your fantasies. That says that he could take that one more step and actually hurt someone seriously or even kill them.

Kate

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education