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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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how to deal with or help overcome relationship or love anxiety? Two previous love relation

Resolved Question:

how to deal with or help overcome relationship or love anxiety? Two previous love relationships that ended very bad with cheating and emotions being abused big time
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Hello, I'm available to assist you- Welcome!!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm sorry for the hurt you have endured in your relationships.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

There is hope for a healthy relationship.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You may need to start by taking a close look at the type of person you are attracted to. We tend to find a similar partner each time, even if we've been hurt.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Are you available to join the live chat?

Customer:

hello

Customer:

yes I am

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Thank you for joining me!

Customer:

you're most welcome it's a pleasure

Customer:

to give you an idea about the person that I am trying to help

Customer:

had a divorce then the worst love relationship could one ever think of..cheating, emotional abuse, and abuse in its all forms

Customer:

how is our relationship at the moment? we're very close, she's opening up to me, telling me her secrets, and then asks me to promise not to put her down

Customer:

she treasures me a lot, she looks for me, she said that she cares a lot, and she loves me as a friend....the last time we spoke she was under medication and she said she loves me

Customer:

of course I understand how this thing works

Customer:

we spend a lot of the time together we connect to each other we speak until I tuck her in

Customer:

the word love just makes her feel anxious

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Oh, I see, it is for someone else- got it! This person needs to heal, improve their self worth, to avoid hurt again. She is drawn to you knowing you care- I can tell you are caring. She's lucky to have you in her life.

Customer:

I do care about her a lot

Jean N/20pluscounts :

May not be the best idea for her to get into another relationship until she heals from the hurt in other relationships.

Customer:

I really want her to be happy and I want to help her

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Unless the relationship is friends, support, like I'm hearing you say.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Be her friend, do not expect anything else, be kind, thoughtful- what makes a good friend. It will take time for her to heal. It's natural she is anxious- that anxiety may help protect her.

Customer:

she is using to it to protect herself

Customer:

it's a fact

Jean N/20pluscounts :

She needs to have some healthy things in her life, like friends, good self care. Using what?

Customer:

anxiety

Customer:

she is like a closed book to people

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Yes- that's when we see anxiety when someone has been hurt before. It makes them very cautious, mistrust others etc.

Customer:

exactly

Jean N/20pluscounts :

She has been "burned" and it will take patience, love, care, time for her

Customer:

burned big time

Customer:

that love spot has been wipped away

Jean N/20pluscounts :

If you are a consistent friend that will help her.

Customer:

that's like a belief to me

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Give her lots of support, care, encouragement- be there for her- but do not expect or seek out more from her, for now.

Customer:

where do you think I stand or level with respect to her at the moment?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

She may be closed off for a while- not too accepting of any care or concern, but hang in there with her. She needs a friend who places no demands on her. She has lost her self and will need to work at getting self back.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I think you must feel safe to her.

Customer:

she told me she feels home with me

Customer:

she does not feel the need to justify any thing...she feels relaxed like home

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Comfort and security is what she needs. Do realize she may not be able to "give" back to you right now- because she is "empty".

Customer:

she is

Jean N/20pluscounts :

She may need a bit more help than just you can provide- especially if she is really struggling.

Customer:

struggling? she used to be

Customer:

last time we were together and her abusive ex was there

Customer:

she felt nothing

Customer:

he's completely out of her life

Customer:

which is a major thing

Customer:

it's just love itself is what scares her a lot

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Sounds like she is really anxious, she can learn ways to cope with that- manage, and lessen that. She may be a bit "numb" from what she has been through. It's great she is away from that- good start for getting better.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Yes, love has equaled hurt to her.

Customer:

how do you define her feelings for me?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

She will need to take a look at what attracted her to those men in the first place- and look for a different type of guy- It's hard to say, other than it sounds like you are very safe, comforting- do you wish for more?

Customer:

do I wish for more? I do love her....but I won't ask anything of her as long as I know she cannot give it back

Jean N/20pluscounts :

She is vulnerable right now, does not know what she needs or wants- traumatized in those relationships and natural she will close her self off for a time.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

No demands on her for now.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

If you continue to be safe, a good friend, that can be a good foundation for something more when she is ready.

Customer:

what was that love she mentioned to me when she was under medication? why do you think she said she loves me?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Do remind yourself that she may not be able to "give" too much to you, for now. With the support of a good friend she will heal. TIME and support are the biggest factors. Her love for you as a safe person, friendship.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Has it surprised you that she told you she loved you? How does she explain that after she was off the medication?

Customer:

she did not deny it but affirmed it as a friend

Customer:

and not any friend

Customer:

a very different category

Customer:

these were her words

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You may need to be the strong one and keep it at friendship in order for hope for a future relationship. You do not want to be the rebound guy.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Because she is vulnerable she may seek out the safe person for intimacy, but she may not be ready for that.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Tell her you care too much to do that-

Customer:

I do, I always do

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Good! I did sense that!

Customer:

she asked me what I am thinking about our relationship and if it's love....it should not be. I told her I do not think anything about it

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Show her what safe love is- special- treating her like she deserves.

Customer:

this is what is happening

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You do not know what the future holds for the two of you- do enjoy the time together.

Customer:

these are my words

Jean N/20pluscounts :

She's lucky to have you in her life- people come in our life when we most need them.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You are a gift to her-

Customer:

she inspires me a lot

Customer:

I do love her brains and I appreciate her trust in me

Customer:

she's a treasure

Customer:

a pure heart like a kid

Customer:

I had a dead water side of me, she has changed that and I feel content

Jean N/20pluscounts :

She does sound kind, sensitive, good.

Customer:

she is the definition of everything good

Customer:

she is too good to know and remember she is a human and has done and will always do lotsa mistakes

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Do enjoy that goodness- it is special- none of us knows what the future holds- be mindful and thankful for today, right!! Yes we are all human- imperfect.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Hopefully she will avoid that "type" of guy in the future- sadly and strangely some people are attracted to the one who treats them poorly- strange phenomenon.

Customer:

as gold is treated by fire as love is treated by pain

Customer:

these experiences should be there to know the one

Customer:

that guy was not a human

Customer:

he's anything other than a human

Jean N/20pluscounts :

That's where it is important for her to strengthen her self worth- to feel worthy of the "good" love that feels good, doesn't hurt as she has experienced. I like that saying!! Thanks for that!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Beauty can come from the not so pretty!

Customer:

so I will take your advice for now

Customer:

let it be as it is

Customer:

talk and talk

Customer:

no need to speak about love

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Yes- just "be" with her!!

Customer:

just show my care

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Best wishes to both of you!! Yes love is a verb- action- show you care.

Customer:

thanks a lot for listening Jean

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I do hope things work out as you hope- You are very welcome, my pleasure.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Would you be so kind to rate my answer okay or higher so I can get credit- much appreciated!!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Let me know if I can help again.

Customer:

yes sure

Customer:

leaving now

Jean N/20pluscounts :

thank you for sharing!!

Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
Jean and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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