Hello, I'd like to help you. I'm sorry for your pain in all of this.
How old is your daughter? 34?
Alcohol and drug abuse is painful for the entire family. To watch your loved one on such a path of destruction. If she is an adult and she can not pay for services herself, she may qualify for something through the county where she resides.
No matter how much money you invest in treatment it's important that she's ready for the battle to quit, or like you said, finding a treatment center that is more dual diagnosis.
Hello, are you able to join the live chat?
Hi there - yes I'm here.
So you are saying that because she is a resident of Arkansas that is where she may qualify for free or low cost treatment?
Thanks for joining me- so sorry for your daughter's ongoing struggle- family struggle.
And she could not get help in California where she is currently in rehab or Arizona where I live?
I'm not as familiar with the services in that state/county, but it may be worth checking into. She may need to be a resident of that county for a period of time.
Yes I would think that would apply. It is important for you to know that during the course of one of her rehab treatments they did a MRI which indicated some brain injury from a car accident that occured when she was two. The wheel of the car ran over her head; she suffered a skull fracture but required no treatment other that 24 hour "watch".
At 13 she began cutting herself on her arms; we did not know because she wore long sleeves to cover it up. At 14 she ran away and planned on killing herself at the beach; she had given away all her possesions to "friends" who did not notify us of any problem. Thank God the police found her and we immediately put her in rehab at that time
There are county crisis programs and resources that may be better able to assist you with that. Find the local department of human services and they can direct you more specifically to services. You may have better luck reaching someone during the week day. Many if not most states have county funding for those who can not afford- referred to "indigent". She's lived a tough life in her young age!! She may be dealing with special/unique challenges with the head injury. Can not imagine it wouldn't affect her- such a trauma to her head.
Has she ever been adequately managed with medication?
on and off with Prozac. She could manage before she met and married her husband because our family did not drink. She began drinking with him but he threw her out when she called him to come home from work and she had slashed herself leaving blood all over the walls. When she got out of rehab all her stuff was on the porch and the locks were changed.
Has she had extensive psychological evaluations? Finding specifically what her diagnosis is to treat her effectively is important. If someone who has a mood disorder such as Bipolar, is treated with an antidepressant it can actually make the disorder/symptoms worse. If it is a mood disorder she needs a mood stabilizer.
According to my daughter, she has not been diagnosed as bi-polar; however her father's mother suffered greatly with bi-polar. My daughter doesn't seem to have the "highs", just the lows.
She also is likely suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder- there is specific treatment for that- DBT- Dialectical Behavior Therapy- structured, typically done in a group setting.
The problem is, because she is an adult, the Drs/therapists won't discuss with us.
The self abuse, cutting, and suicidal stuff can be part of the borderline traits.
Right- she will have to take more initiative- may be worth a call to the county to see what the options are to assist your daughter.
She has sat next to me crying saying she's crazy and she KNOWS she's crazy but no one but me feels this is a BIG part of why she can not beat the alcoholism.
Her father says he is "done" with her but I can not give up on my daughter. I am amazed that she remembers nothing of getting in her car, drinking a whole bottle of alcohol then attempting to drive home. She remembers nothing of being arrested or taken to jail. No memory until the following morning.
You can offer and offer, give her your arm, but she will need to decide it's time for change. If she's not able to do that, that is where it can be determined if she needs something more structured psych/aoda/dual diagnosis. Tell her there is hope- may have to work hard at looking for that help- do not give up- but again, she will need to take advantage of services if they are offered. Sadly she may not take what is offered- all you can do is help her find the resources- or go with her to find out more. She blacked out- part of the progression of alcoholism.
Someone once said they drove from Florida to California remembering nothing- intoxicated. That same person is now been in recovery many many years.
I honestly feel she needs to be incarcerated in a psychological facility for a period of at least a year. Would you agree with that?
If she threatens to harm herself may need to get the police involved for something to be done- the police can get her to a hospital.
Well, her refusal to answer my question yesterday of whether she still wanted to die is plenty of an answer for me. She has freely talked about it with me before.
I know she is a danger to herself but I need to get her help fast.
Yes, if I were her- her mother I would agree about placement in a secure setting- there are steps to take to get to that point- have to exhaust all other resources. She somehow needs to get into the "system" such as the county. In some states family members can "commit" someone.
Her father lives with her but he told her - she takes one more drink and she's going to jail and he WILL NOT pay her $1700 fine
A certain number of family members sign a petition for chaptering the person. No don't pay her fine- she needs to feel the consequences!!
But I don't feel that jail is going to have a beneficial result on her.
Family members unknowingly enable the addiction by bailing them out.
She will hang herself with her bed sheets
We DO want to stop the enabling
No jail is not treatment but it may get her in the "system". This is scary for you I'm sure.
If she makes a statement that will harm herself you must call the police and they can do a safety check on her.
OK but there is another problem. She has a 12 year old daughter; my ex-husband is trying to get legal gaurdianship now. She can not go to foster care; that is unacceptable and if we get the police involved is that a possibility?
It's sad, because you know she's miserable, but also very lost. See if you can locate a crisis number for the county she resides in- could start with the county sheriff or police dept.
No, typically the family is preferred for placement of a child.
Her grandpa has to work so the little girl is home alone at times BUT I could take a family medical leave and go there for as long as I'm needed.
My ex really doesn't want me around but someone would be there for the child who will be 13 in two weeks
Thank goodness for family medical leave- great benefit!! You may feel better being closer- knowing what is going on.
She is still a child and needs her family.
She is doing great; they have gone to the AA meetings for relatives and she has a good grasp on the situation.
I'm afraid since he works 7 a.m. to 4 p.m. including weekends the police would think that is not enough "parenting".
Yes, support is important for the 13 year old- it will make her a wise soul getting through all of this.You wonder what your daughter's "bottom" is, how bad does it have to get before she turns a corner?? I see what you mean- she is 13- she can spend time alone.
Yes, what is the "bottom" my ex feels that jail may wake her up
There are laws in states about when it's appropriate for a child to be alone 12 plus usually.
oh really? Maybe I can look that up on the internet.
yes- it is a specific law
My feeling is that she is too mentally ill to make good decisions and he feels like she's a spoiled brat who wants what she wants when she wants it. Any idea who is right here?
Do know you are doing the best you can considering the situation- she is an adult- like I said you can offer but she needs to accept. I think she is dealing with mental illness- but it becomes a family illness with the enabling stuff.
Enabling is typically family having good intentions
He wants to throw her out on the streets with no money and let her sink or swim. I know that will be the end of her.
Helping/saving, but the person does not then feel the consequences because others "fix" it.
It may have to get that bad for her to get the help, sadly.
You have been SO helpful; I thank you for listening and please say a prayer for her. I will absolutely give you an outstanding rating!
Maybe not that extreme- throwing her out- but you do want her to feel some discomfort- feel like she needs a change- feel a bit desperate before she surrenders.
I think she IS feeling desperate because when her dad told her one more drink and she's going to jail she started crying and said "I can't go to jail"
I'm so glad I could help- take the best care of you and the best you can of your family!! It is important for you to have support too- takes it out of you- exhausting.