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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience:  Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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Im becoming concerned that my kids father has a wierd personality

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I'm becoming concerned that my kids father has a wierd personality disorder. When we first met, he was consumed in me, made me think that I met the man of my life, he loved all the things I loved, wanted all the things that I wanted, set and strived for the exact same goals, kids, family, boat, white picket fence. Shortly after 3 years into it, he cheated, dropped me like a hot potato never thinking twice. He had become obsessed with the new one, started acting like her, starting getting into things he never showed interest when with me, 4 months into that relationship, poof, dropped her like a hot potato never looking back. Next girlfriend, obsessed, moved her and her son into his 1 bedroom apartment after 2 months of dating, was madly in love and proclaimed her as his girlfriend that I should never interfere with, 2 months later poof! dropped her like a hot potato, kicked her out without her and her son even having an income or place to go, never looking back...... months go by, tells me he made mistakes in his past, tells me he wants to have a closer better relationship with his sons (my sons).. I tell him I cannot trust him with his past behavior, he assures me he learned from his past mistakes. I trust him again for sake of boys, boom, 3 months later, here comes the next woman, 2 months into his relationship with this one, he has morphed into another person, lost 60lbs, dresses in a way he used to make fun of men dressing, into things he's never been into, acts in a manner I've never seen him act. Both previous relationships he goes as far as dismissing holidays and birthdays with his sons.. this one? christmas my son got a text.. that's it. He has again, only after 2 months of dating this woman has become someone I don't know, to the point that my sons are getting old enough to recognize the change and ask me about it... I really do not care who he dates, I have custody of my sons, but it's actually scaring me a bit, is this normal behavior of a man? of a father? to simply morph into whatever woman he is dating? In reflection, I see he did the same thing with me.... is this some kind of disorder? Is it something I should be concerned with regarding my sons? It's freaking me out...
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I would like to help you with your question.

Customer:

please do!

Dr. L :

I can understand why you would feel concerned about your children. Your ex-husband's behavior certainly suggests some pathology...but without a full evaluation I have no real ability to make a judgment about him.

Customer:

I am becoming concerned...when he doesn't have a girlfriend he proclaims undying love for his son....when he gets a girlfriend within a month he totally dismisses them, becomes literally obsessed with the woman he is with and falls in love withing weeks!

Dr. L :

The best I can say here is that his behavior seems to be a pattern of falling in and out of love very quickly and with no regard for how this impacts others in his life.

Customer:

i've asked him to go with me to therapist for best interest of kids, he deny's having any issues and refuses. He has no concern how his actions hurt his sons, how it demolishes a cohesive relationship with me. It's scaring me to leave my sons with him.

Dr. L :

The best thing you can do here is to ensure that your children are feeling loved and accepted by you and that they do not feel abandoned. Their father's behavior is confusing and hurtful. They need help understanding that his behavior has nothing to do with them and everything to do with his choices, his lifestyle, his own view of life.

Dr. L :

If you have full custody...is it possible for you to limit contact?

Dr. L :

That's good that you tried to get him to go to therapy...but, as you have already discovered...you have no ability to make that happen.

Customer:

my eldest now, cries and says repeatedly he hates his dad, for no other reason than he just says he wants a new dad, "my dad sucks". I try to tell him what is going on with my eldest and he deflects all responsibility in it and blames me for his son hating him. I have limited his contact to 1 day/overnight with him. best I can do so far, he is a sgt in police department so removing his visitation altogether would be nearly impossible... upstanding citizen etc.....

Dr. L :

Tell me how his behavior demolishes your relationship with your sons?

Dr. L :

I get the picture...and yes I can see how hard it would be for you to limit contact any more than you have.

Customer:

No, it has pushed my sons away from him... not me. My sons literally dread friday (daddy day) they cry and beg to stay home with me.

Dr. L :

Have you considered taking your children to therapy? Allowing them to work with a child psychologist to work through their feelings might be a very wise thing to do.

Customer:

yes, my eldest is now seeing a therapist for the "i hate my dad" comments. the youngest is 3, he just cries and says "i stay home with you mommy". He's too young to elaborate. They are healthy happy boys when with me. Just anxiety when transition time comes, but my main question was......is the rapid change in behavior, personality, with each new girlfriend, the rapid love, obsession and rapid demise of his relationship with women abnormal? The morphing into a completely different person based on each the personality, behavior type of the woman he is into at the time? it's weird, it's concerning, should I try to remove overnights?

Customer:

in reflection, I see he morphed into me just like he is the others now.... he becomes literally consumed within weeks of these woman... just like he did me....hindsight...so consumed and obsessed with these women that when I tell him his son really needs him (a night my eldest said daddy makes me want to hurt myself)......he hung up the phone on me turned his phone off and went straight to his girlfriend......he totally dismissed that his son told me crying "daddy makes me want to hurt myself"!! it's mind twisting and heartbreaking for my sons.

Dr. L :

Your ex-husband's behavior does suggest abnormality. But...without a full assessment I cannot provide a diagnosis. I hope you understand my position. Since your ex is denying any issues the best you can do is perhaps to ask him -gently and respectfully XXXXX XXXXX he would be willing to reduce the overnights to once or twice a month. Perhaps the therapist would be willing to write a letter explaining why this would be important. (Remember there would have to be a signed Release of Information). If your ex is not willing to listen, then you next step would be to take this back in to court.

Dr. L :

In that case, you would want to talk to your attorney to see what your chances are in having a reduction in visitation.

Dr. L :

And yes...I agree that the ones really suffering here are the children.

Dr. L :

And that is very sad and so very unfortunate.

Customer:

I do understand you cannot make a diagnosis. II guess to put it simple and easy for you to answer, would be, what type of personality disorders contains these types of traits that I have described to you? then I can research on my own. I will do anything for my sons and yes, I'm working on my sons therapist to get to the root of the problem with my eldest and make a recommendation, that recommendation will be submitted to the court for visitation modification if necessary.

Dr. L :

Psychopath

Dr. L :

Yes...getting the therapist to write a recommendation is likely the best path you have. Also...see what your attorney recommends. Because of your ex's career path...the burden may be great...

Dr. L :

Is there any last thing I can help you with this evening?

Customer:

ew........ I am slightly educated.. I do understand there are many levels of that... it's what I fear.... it has pushed me emotionally to the edge of crazy myself, only thing holding me together now is knowing my sons need me more than anything.

Customer:

no...... thank you, XXXXX XXXXX tonight, no kids, worrying about them....I need to chat with someone, I needed to know it's not me being paranoid about my sons......Thank you......

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience: Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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