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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5423
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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my family says I should get over the fact that i was molested

Customer Question

my family says I should get over the fact that i was molested at the age of 14 by my uncle, aunts husband. I'm now 40 is that true. especially considering he is still in the family and at every family function.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

If you have to face the person that hurt you at every family function and just as part of your family, that is still going to be very painful. And it is unfair of your family to tell you that you must accept facing him, particularly if they never had to go through what you went through and especially since they do not seem interested in doing anything to stop him from seeing you. In other words, it sounds like they are more interested in protecting his rights to be part of the family than how you feel seeing him at every family function. It would be like asking one of them to have lunch with someone who robbed and beat them. They would not dream of it. But because your uncle is a relative, the same does not apply, which is a common problem in families with abuser/criminal members.

It is often the case that families avoid dealing with dysfunction because they fear the results if they try to sanction the abuser or criminal in the family. They may not want to break the family apart by going against your uncle so they instead tell you that you must deal with your pain so they don't have to deal with the results of his action and can in essence pretend it didn't happen. This also is about their shame and embarrassment over what occurred as well.

Since they do not want to see the situation for what it is and do anything about your uncle, you may have to make the choice to either deal with what they want or excuse yourself from family functions. It is not fair that you would have to give up your right to be there, but until they change their minds about what they have decided, that is the choice they are forcing on you.

You can also see if there is anyone in your family that will side with you and help you convince the others that your uncle should be excluded from functions you want to attend. If you can get enough relatives to agree with you, then you may be able to change everyone else's minds and get your uncle removed.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate







May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


kate there are amily members who agree, but few. you are right it is shame that they feel. but he should be made to feel ashamed instead they use to try to shame me. That was when i was a child. now that I am older and stronger they simply say they were protecting my aunt. They say they want me at family functions but they have to forgive him. yes you guessed it I was broguht up in a so called christion home. I still believe in God, but I don't believe My family and church handled the issue in a Godly manner. My next question is, I want to go off on him in front of the family sometimes. cause a big disturbance. do I have the right to do that.


 

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
It depends very much on what outcome you would want. If you want to go off on him in front of others, you may have people defending him and a lot of hurt feelings to deal with. While that is not fair, it is something to consider because it could end up with you being even more hurt than you are right now.

If you feel being mad at him in private or with some of the relatives that support you around you, then you can certainly choose to do that. It would be more advantageous to you in terms of feeling supported and being able to get your feelings out.

The main point though is what you want out of doing it. You still feel very hurt (which is normal) but if you want a certain response from him or just to be able to point to the "elephant" in the room, then deciding what outcome you want is important before you make a decision about taking action.

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


kate all i want is for them to validate my feelings and tell him he was wrong, stop making it seem as though because he so called asked God to forgive him he is a good person. And because I wont let it go Im the bad. that shouldnt be so hard to ask. thankyou so much for your help it helped a whole lot for right now.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
I agree with you that it isn't too much to ask from them. You are in a lot of pain and having your family back you up would go a long way to help you heal. I hope he has apologized to you as well and at least would have the decency to be sensitive to your feelings. But it sounds like he is not willing to do that. I hope you find healing no matter what they do. You deserve to have peace from what you had to go through.

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5423
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Thank you very much for the positive rating and bonus! I appreciate it.

My best to you,
Kate

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