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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1165
Experience:  Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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I am suffereing from severe case of limerence.

Resolved Question:

I am suffereing from severe case of limerence. How can I stop this horrible feeling?

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I would like to help you with you question.

Dr. L :

Tell me a little more about what you are feeling and why you label this as horrible?

Dr. L :

Do you have a list of therapists that you have attempted to call?

Dr. L :

I see you are trying to get into chat...

Dr. L :

I will wait for you to sign on.

Customer:

I know a guy who is 21and in college. He used to cut my lawn and do odd jobs around the house. We developed a close friendship because we have alot in common. He visits every so often when he is home from college, but last January, before he left, he came over to visit and when he left, I became obssessed over him. I think about him day and night. He has become perfect in my eyes. I am jealous of him and for hom.

Customer:

Because I have great insurance, I am on a waiting list for a therapist in my area. Only people w/o insurance get right in.

Dr. L :

Thanks for the additional information.

Dr. L :

Does this guy know how you feel about him? Is he interested in you?

Dr. L :

Have you ever developed this type of intensity for someone in the past?

Customer:

No. He is straight and has a very serious 4 year relationship with a wonderful young woman. I would never want him to know.

Dr. L :

If there are multiple therapists in your area...I would call until I find one who has openings and, of course, has expertise with your presenting issue.

Dr. L :

What do you ultimately want to happen here?

Customer:

That would be great. When I lived in a larger city, I met with both a psychiatrist and counselor because I required medication.

Dr. L :

People w/o insurance pay out of their pocket...that's why they get in so quickly.

Customer:

I have called them all and with no luck. Some don't take any insurance.

Customer:

I want my friendship back the way it was. He's in town this weekend and I am so frightened that he contact me.

Customer:

I have been dealing with limerence since I was 14.

Dr. L :

Yes...many psychiatrists and therapists no longer take insurance and prefer private pay. That is always an option.

Dr. L :

I will give you a website that you can check for therapists and psychiatrists:

Dr. L :

www.psychologytoday.com

Dr. L :

You will see an icon on the home page: Find a therapist

Customer:

I've tried all this for a month.

Dr. L :

Just put in your zip code and you will be provided a list of names...

Dr. L :

I think you have a good goal ... to be friends again...

Dr. L :

Why would you be frightened that he will contact you?

Dr. L :

You went to psychologytoday?

Dr. L :

I'm sorry you are having so much trouble finding a therapist...

Dr. L :

the psychologytoday list is made up of many independent therapists...

Dr. L :

You should have success with this list...

Customer:

I'd be frightened because if I saw him in person, I wouldn't be myself. The thought of seeing him makes me shake. I'd be so afraid of not being witty or clever like I used to be when I was comfortable around him. BTW, I tried Psychology Today; most of the therapists on there are 30 or more miles away from here.

Customer:

At the same time, I'm afraid of not seeing him because I would feel that he doesn't care about me.

Dr. L :

Yes..its a double bind isn't it.

Dr. L :

I think it might be helpful for you to have a plan A - if you see him and a plan B - if you don't see him.

Dr. L :

That way you stay in control of your emotions.

Dr. L :

Is 30 miles too far to drive?

Dr. L :

You said that you used to be on medication. Has that not been true for awhile?

Dr. L :

Would you want meds again? You might be able to obtain from your family physician...

Dr. L :

If what you want is a friendship...is being witty and clever necessary?

Dr. L :

And when you say...that he doesn't care....what do you mean exactly...that he doesn't care about you as a friend? Or are you wanting more than that?

Dr. L :

Would you be okay with a phone call to him? Would that be a possible Plan A or Plan B?

Customer:

Yes. I was on Zoloft for years and now am on Venlaxifine. Neither seem to work. Clonopin is all that has ever worked, but they don't want to keep me on it because of its addictive nature. What could put down a horse barely has an effect on me. Seriously, I want nothing more from him. I was never sexually attracted to him until he told me the silliest thing. He has often referred to me as a father figure, but now that he is getting older and really into his college life, I am afraid that he no longer needs me. Any contact from him would make me nervous. I am planning to go away with some friends closer to my own age this weekend just to avoid him. He is town for a dance that his girlfriend's college is having on Saturday

Dr. L :

Yes...there is much hue and cry about addictive medication these days. There are newer medications, but a psychiatrist or physician would need to assess you.

Dr. L :

And..yes..it may be true that his "need" for you as a father figure may have changed...but he may have an on-going appreciation for the role you played in his life. I do think that leaving for the weekend may be the best avenue to take at this point.

Dr. L :

Still...I think therapy is likely the best remedy of all...and I do hope that you can find a therapist soon.

Dr. L :

A possibility, of course, is that you private pay to get into that first appointment and then switch over to your insurance as soon as you make it through that first hoop.

Dr. L :

The cost would likely be worth it...

Customer:

I have no choice on Saturday. It is my birthday and friends are taking me to a city 60 miles away to see a Shakespeare play. I know that therapy would help; it always has in the past. I'm sorry that I left Baltimore and came to this godforsaken place. None of this would have happened.

Customer:

I mean, I have a choice, but am already committed.

Customer:

Sometimes I want to hate him just so I don't have this feeling anymore.

Dr. L :

Yes...small towns are notorious for having minimal psychological services.

Dr. L :

I can understand your thinking here...but in the end I do think you want to cherish the friendship aspect.

Dr. L :

I say...go with your friends. Celebrate your birthday...enjoy the moment..the day...

Customer:

I am close to his whole family. They treat me like a family member.

Dr. L :

And...that does add a wrinkle to all of this...

Dr. L :

But...with psychological help...I do think you will find the help you need to move past this....

Customer:

I almost feel the same way about them. It doesn't always matter which one I'm with.

Dr. L :

And perhaps this attraction is about their ability to meet some unresolved need in your life...

Customer:

I feel like any memeber of his family could give me the "fix" that I crave.

Dr. L :

Yes...I understand...

Dr. L :

But that "fix" is one-sided...

Dr. L :

And...you need to resolve the need in a way that does not take advantage of others and is acceptable to all members.

Customer:

They reach out to me before I reach out to them.

Customer:

I never contact them first for any reason.

Customer:

They invite me to dinner, ask me to go the gym with them, etc.

Dr. L :

Would you like to say NO to these things?

Dr. L :

Do you feel like you need to break away from them?

Customer:

I'd like to, but I don't. I'm afraid that I will lose my connection.

Customer:

Sometimes I feel I need a break from them. They are always there, and this guy and his 19 y/o brother want me to go to Germany with them this summer.

Dr. L :

And so what would it take for you to break away for awhile?

Dr. L :

It seems that you need some breathing room here...that in a way you continue to be living in a fishbowl with them...

Customer:

Everyone who knows them agrees that they are people who tend to get really close. It's almost a local joke if you know them. I want to move back to Baltimore, I think, sometimes, or at least I did before all this.

Dr. L :

Even if you move...you are still going to have to deal with the limerence...you understand this right?

Dr. L :

Still...moving would lower the intensity of the situation...

Customer:

Yes, I understand that. But there must be a way that I can prevent it from happening again.

Dr. L :

Yes...therapy.

Customer:

I want to know if I value, or think that I value them so much, can I walk away from them?

Dr. L :

A better understanding of the triggers.

Dr. L :

Stronger boundaries.

Dr. L :

Yes....you can walk away if you begin to understand that you need to do this in order to live a healthy life.

Customer:

You're right. I'm going to do what I can to procure therapy.

Dr. L :

Certainly you will grieve the relationships...the sense of family...but you can - and will - survive.

Dr. L :

Your own mental health has to become a priority for you.

Dr. L :

Is there any last thing I can help you with this evening?

Customer:

I hope so. I already have a loving realtionship with my real family. I don't know how I became so obsessed with this one.

Customer:

Actually, you have helped me more than anyone else on here ever has, so I thank you.

Dr. L :

This one may fill some gaps in your relationship with your family...

Dr. L :

..or blind spots....

Dr. L :

You are very welcome! I am glad I was able to help you...

Customer:

Thanks again!

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1165
Experience: Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
Dr. L and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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