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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience:  Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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I broke up with a woman 8 weeks ago, I did many things wrong

Resolved Question:

I broke up with a woman 8 weeks ago, I did many things wrong and I regret a lot.. I been reading countless strategies and looking at the Grief Cycle. I feel im at the bargaining dialogue stage. The thing is I want her back I want to show her I can be the man Ive always planned to be... The feelings of guilt i have sicken me and I try to bury myself in work and study to give her space. We had coffee yesterday morning an had a good chat, and talked a bit through out the day. This morning I read 'Thats nice ryan....everything will turn out the way it is supposed to...i need time now..' and its got me worked up with anxiety... I hate this no contact and I dont understand how it works... Please give me guidance to get through the days as I want to see her spend time with her...
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L :

Hello Ryan,

Dr. L :

I would like to help you with your question.

Dr. L :

I am sorry that you are feeling so low right now. Can you tell me what lead to the break-up?

Dr. L :

What are you feeling guilty about?

Dr. L :

Do you know what she means when she says she needs time right now?

Customer:

I worked away 3weeks on 1 week off

Customer:

no i dont know what she means

Customer:

i would come home smoke pot and hang with friends

Customer:

i treated the woman i love so poor

Dr. L :

I can understand that you miss her and want to be back together with her.

Customer:

I have had 8 weeks off the pot, and will never smoke it again

Dr. L :

Does she know that?

Customer:

its cost me so much in life

Customer:

yes

Customer:

i try to not communicate but its hard

Dr. L :

Yes...I would agree that your behavior was rather poor and that you did not show her how important she was to you.

Customer:

this no contact rule is crap

Dr. L :

Yes...no contact is a very tough thing...and it is meant to be that way so that you have the opportunity to think about your life, learn from your mistakes, and work to change negative/bad behaviors.

Customer:

But i would take her shopping and tell her how good she looks every day

Dr. L :

That's a good thought...but the thing is that she likely doesn't trust you or believe you.

Customer:

your right

Customer:

I feel like i want to do something for her

Dr. L :

You came home after being gone for 3 long weeks...she expected that you would be excited to be back with her...that you would spend time together...and then when you didn't do that...guess what...she became upset, disillusioned, angry, worried...and so forth.

Dr. L :

The best you can do is to respect her wishes. If she is saying No Contact...give me space...give me time. Then you will have to honor that if you have any chance of ever getting back together with her.

Dr. L :

Here's what I would recommend:

Customer:

I am a cadet civil engineer im no fool except for her. I have set my goals and strive for them, but she has supported me through it all as I do for her

Customer:

ok im listening

Dr. L :

Send her a nice romantic card with a small bouquet of flowers. On the card write: I am so sorry I have disappointed you. I respect your desire for No Contact. I send these flowers as a sign of my love.

Dr. L :

Period.

Dr. L :

Then you do not contact her for several weeks. Maybe 3. Then you send another card and another small bouquet of flowers: I miss you.

Dr. L :

And you keep up with this pattern...unless she contacts you and ask you to coffee or to chat or whatever.

Dr. L :

You absolutely must respect her no contact! Yes...I understand this may be some of the hardest work you ever do...but if you are to show her that you have changed...that you respect her...that you love her...then you must back off!

Dr. L :

Does this make sense?

Customer:

It does in some ways

Dr. L :

ok

Customer:

I sent flowers on valentines day saying only 'I miss you'

Dr. L :

In what ways doesn't it make sense?

Dr. L :

VERY GOOD!

Dr. L :

You want her to know that you are out there waiting...but you do not want to put pressure on her nor disrespect her wishes.

Customer:

its that if i dont contact her im afraid ill lose her... Im so insecure about it

Dr. L :

You feelings are natural and normal.

Dr. L :

But...do you think about her even though you don't see her?

Dr. L :

Or don't talk to her?

Customer:

I dream of going to the beach with her, I dont understand how much time she needs

Dr. L :

Of course you do...and the same is true for her. Even if she isn't talking to you or seeing you she still thinks about you.

Customer:

I do every second

Dr. L :

And probably she doesn't know how much time she needs either...

Dr. L :

The more pressure you put on her...the more contact you have with her...the more time she is going to need! Do you understand that point?

Customer:

can you explain that point, its part of the Grief Cycle

Customer:

Your a wise man, it does make sense when someone is saying it, I just find it hard to take in...

Dr. L :

She is asking for a "time out" so that she can process her feelings, think about her life goals, decide where she is going in life and with whom. The more you talk to her now...the more you are delaying the work she needs to do.

Customer:

understood.

Dr. L :

Of course it is hard to take in...it's not what you want...so our normal tendency is to reject this..Besides...you have no idea how much time she wants or needs...and so it feels endless...forever

Dr. L :

But it won't be.

Customer:

So i need to wait for her to contact me? She wont think im over her?

Dr. L :

Yes..you need to let her make a move. And no...she won't think you are over her because you are going to send the cards and flowers. That keeps you fresh in her mind.

Customer:

Ok I see that point

Dr. L :

And instead of sending flowers...you might send something you know she really likes....like a special kind of flower, or a special kind of candy, or a piece of jewelry....think of what she really likes and considers special...and send that.

Customer:

Is there something I can do some sort of mental exercise that will stop me from pondering the future

Dr. L :

Maybe even a book...or a beautiful scarf...or bracelet...

Dr. L :

Deep breathing exercises can help you stay in the present.

Dr. L :

I would encourage you to write out a list of life goals:

Dr. L :

50 things you would like to accomplish by age 50

Customer:

and not include her?

Dr. L :

or a list of what you would like to accomplish in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years....

Dr. L :

Things that are just about you...

Dr. L :

like learning how to deep sea dive

Customer:

I have always been goal orientated, just get side tracked easliy

Dr. L :

learning how to bake bread

Dr. L :

Think about some of the important things you want to accomplish - then make a list and start doing them...

Customer:

little things i see what your saying

Dr. L :

Yes...

Customer:

I feel a knot releasing in my stomach, I need to keep do things like you have suggested

Dr. L :

Great.

Dr. L :

Do some reading on deep breathing exercises...that will be helpful.

Dr. L :

Is there any last thing I can help you with tonight?

Customer:

I will, thank you for your wisdom

Dr. L :

Grieving a relationship is hard work...but don't give up. She isn't asking for an ending...she is asking for some time to consider the future. And...from the way you behaved it makes sense doesn't it?

Customer:

No i just wanted an insight into this no contact, which you have shed light on

Dr. L :

Great./

Customer:

it does

Dr. L :

I will say good night then.

Customer:

it has made me relise many things

Customer:

ok good night and thank you

Customer:

do i get sent an email of this chat?

Dr. L :

This chat is saved under your account, so you can print a copy now, or come back at a later time to re-read or print.

Dr. L :

Okay?

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience: Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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Dr. L
Dr. L
Clinical Psychologist
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Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist