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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1165
Experience:  Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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I belong to well to do punjabi family in India. I am an only

Resolved Question:

I belong to well to do punjabi family in India. I am an only child, have a joint family. My parents are extremely outgoing and social, it feels like a huge burden at times. Also, I feel like im being judged all the time and by everyone in the name of care and affection since they are family. As I grew up, i started withdrawing from family so I became kind of a loner who cannot deal with unnecessary people, events and relationships. I like to spend time with my extended family once in a long time may be 2-3 months. My parents were always very strict so they kept a track of who I was friends with, they kept feeding this very subtly in my mind that friends can mislead you so dont trust anybody. As a result I had very superficial friendships growing up. Now i feel disconnected with my parents and I have no friends. I have been in a very long relationship, my partner is extremely loving and caring but all these years I kept relying only on him because I couldnt rely on family or on fr
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I would like to help you.

Dr. L :

Please tell me a little more about what is happening and what you would like help with. It seems that your family message of mistrust for others has had a very negative impact on your life. So much so that you have isolated yourself from others..and also from them. It seems as if you might have felt smothered by them...to the point that you did not know how to make friends, how to have a "normal" relationship with your family and now you may even be questioning your relationship with your partner.

Dr. L :

I see you are offline right now. When you come online I will be notified.

Dr. L :

Please provide a little more information about yourself and about the problems you are encountering today.

Dr. L :

Thank you.

Customer:

Hi,

Customer:

Thank you for your answer. The feeling of being smothered has always been there, the actual reason behind that from a very young age, there have been a lot of people in my extended family. And my parents have this very strong sense of community feeling. Sometimes I feel like this is one of the defining factors in both their personalities. They focus too much time and effort on maintaining relationships with the extended family (some people in particular). When you do something like this, you let other people the access in your personal family space. They tend to judge you very harshly. It has happened with me all my childhood. Kids make a lot of mistakes, that's how they learn. But I was always scared of making mistakes because I knew that along with my parents , there are so many people who will judge me, sometimes, they would even laugh at me and spread the word around that how stupid or dumb is she. And my parents allowed them to do that. They never intervened. There are other kids like me in my extended family who are now young and have to go through the same thing, but there parents defend them, my parents never did. I feel jealous of those kids. I am not denying that my parents love me, they love me to no end, they have made my life extremely comfortable, given me a good education, good moral values. But they did not allowed me to find myself, to know myself, to figure out what kind of a person I am, what defines me. Now it feels like its too late. My "friends" are merely acquaintances, I dont open up to them, i talk to them for courtesy's sake. Most of these acquaintances know who they are, they have had different experiences in life that have made them find themselves. My colleagues at work, all have a defined personality. I make it a point to interact with them. Now i put in more effort that I used to put with my friends but since I dont know who I really am, they see me as a little child, even they poke fun at me sometimes. Or they would pass some scathing remark that would tear through me. I feel like being judged and made fun off again, just like what used to happen with my extended family. Now it feels like a set pattern in my life.

Customer:

I do not have any specific problems on any given day. It is just my overall state of mind to be scared inside, all the time. To struggle with social interactions, to have no self-confidence. I see so many dumb and even shallow people who are so confident. I am not. They have defined personalities. I dont know who I am.

Dr. L :

Thank you for the additional information.

Dr. L :

I understand the points you are making. Yes...in a way..your parent's have so protected you from life that you have no real sense of life. Good parenting is not about protecting you from life...but rather about preparing you for life. Your parents did not understand this...and very likely they parented you in the same way they were parented. That means that they did not know better.

Dr. L :

So...at this point in your life you must learn the lessons you failed to learn as a child. I will give you a list of a few books to buy and read. Also...I encourage you to consider seeing a psychologist so that you can gain support and help to build a stronger self-worth. Also...you need to feel strong enough inside so that you can put up boundaries so that people who treat you poorly...mock you...or tease you learn that you will not tolerate such inappropriate interactions.

Dr. L :

Here are several books I recommend:

Dr. L :

Secrets, Lies and Betrayals by Maggie Scarf

Dr. L :

Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns

Dr. L :

These are both self-help therapy books. I highly recommend them.

Customer:

Thanks!

Dr. L :

Next, I would like you to look for Jean Auel's series of books on the Earth People. I recommend this because the main character is a very strong and independent woman. And...I believe that you can benefit from seeing her as a role-model for your own life.

Dr. L :

Right now...you have a blueprint about life that is not helpful. That blueprint was given to you by your parents. You need to create your own blueprint.

Dr. L :

Does that make sense to you?

Customer:

Yes it does, thank you.

Dr. L :

All of the books I have suggested can be bought online or can be ordered from a book store.

Customer:

I have one concern though

Dr. L :

Please believe me when I say that you can be successful at turning your life around!

Dr. L :

What is your concern?

Customer:

I do not have the time to visit a psychologist. Besides, in India this is kind off frowned upon, people think you are crazy if you go to a shrink. That is why I am looking for answers online.

Dr. L :

You just need some new tools in order to create your own blueprint.

Dr. L :

Okay...I understand the taboo.

Dr. L :

So...start by getting the books I suggested.

Dr. L :

They will open new doors in your mind and help you to take hold of your life.

Customer:

ok.. I appreciate your help.

Dr. L :

You are welcome.

Dr. L :

Dr. Burns has a website. You might check that out to learn more about his concepts.

Customer:

ok.. i'll do that right away.

Dr. L :

The books by Jean Auel will be very refreshing to read...they will help you to see strength of character in a new way.

Dr. L :

Is there any last thing I can help you with tonight?

Customer:

I think that I have a few things to start with so at the moment, I cant think of anything else. Thank you very much. Please let me know how can I reach out to you in future regarding my progress?

Dr. L :

You can post a new question and ask for me by name. That way your question comes right to me.

Dr. L :

Please know that this chat is also stored under your account number so that you can print it or read it whenever you want.

Dr. L :

I would be very glad to help you in the future and to learn how you are progressing!

Customer:

So I just have to ask for Dr. L? is there anyone else with the same initial?

Dr. L :

Correct..Dr. L.

Dr. L :

No one else has that name.

Dr. L :

Just right: Question for Dr. L only.

Customer:

ok. I will keep you posted.

Dr. L :

*just write:

Dr. L :

Very good.

Dr. L :

I will say good-bye now...and good luck!

Customer:

Thanks Dr L!

Dr. L :

You are very, very welcome!

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1165
Experience: Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
Dr. L and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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