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My husband, well he calls himself my husband however we never legally wed. We've been together over 22 years. Anyway, he is a hoarder. I manage to keep things somewhat liveable but that is not my major problem. Since we have been together two of my sons have lived with us. My youngest son was here for maybe 4 years until he was able to get his own apartment. During that time my husband (I'll just call him that) complained and griped and criticized almost constantly however he also worried about him, bought him things he needed... without being asked... and obviously cared what happened to him. Since he moved out my husband has seen that he had pretty much anything he wants even buying him a newer model Camry recently and paying cash for it. After that son moved out his older brother fell on hard times and moved in. He has been here more years than I realize and is in his mid 40's. He is a musician very talents but the breaks have not come his way so recently he began making amps and repairing them and works at odd jobs fixing cars and doing maintenance work however he doesn't make enough to afford his own place... yet. My husband has also spent tons of money on him and will seek out things he feels he needs or would like to get for him. Obviously my son has free room and board as well and my husband won't allow him to pay rent. Lately and especially today the simplest of conversation will escalate into a huge screaming match with him pointing out all he has done for my family and how he and I can't communicate beause I always take their side etc. No matter how remote the conversation is he will bring it around to this and we end up in a battle. I hate this. My husband has a sarcastic, critical way about him anyway altho he is also funny, sweet and incredibly considerate of me as well as others. I am not a young chicken being in my 70's... my husband is in his late 60's... and have no desire to be out in the single world again. How do I resolve this situation to benefit all concerned. I am not of a mind to "kick" my son out since he'd end up on the streets and maybe in an alcoholic stupor... he had a problem with drinking at one time but being here he has cleaned up and goes to church and does not drink at all... to my knowlege anyway. Please give me some ideas I really love and appreciate this man but I don't think he believes that.
Your points are well taken. I have seen this control issue thru the hoarding and other issues. He expects others to accept his ideas as to how their lives should be lived while objecting to any plans they might have.
I doubt he will be open to counseling as I have suggested that in the past and my son is so much like him it is scary.
My husband has said he feels he is doing their real father's heavy work and that is true. Their real father and my ex husband was abusive and went out of his way to hinder any progress they (and me too) attempted to make in the initial months/years after the divorce.
This led in part to the son living here now not going to college or being able to get work. While it may sound impossible I know to be true my ex had us followed and any attempt made to obtain work he messed up. How do I know that... I was told by prospective employers. He is a private investigator (and a very good one) and has the means to do that.
Now here we are with this knight in shining armour along with his
seeming growing resentment of the situation.
I appreciate your input. If this give you any other ideas i am open to them. Thank you.