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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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My husband is constantly wanting sex, and it does not matter

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My husband is constantly wanting sex, and it does not matter if I am in the mood, he will wank on me or anything he wants. I am finding this increasingly frustrating. Example is, yesterday I hurt my back doing the gardening. He knew this, and then this morning, he was persisting. I said that I had a sore back, but he still continued. I laid there and didn't look at him while he was doing it, and he finished and went to work. Is this normal?

Hi! I'll be glad to be of help with this issue.

I can imagine how distressing this situation must be for you. You are clearly trying to be a loving and caring wife. And you're feeling more and more like you're an inflatable doll for him to use when he wants rather than an equal partner in your sexuality: your husband just uses you is how you feel. And this is what you proved to yourself this morning by looking away and he not even reacting to your lack of enjoyment.

This is very hurtful. You know that sex between loving spouses is meant to be an act of sharing and of great intimacy. And intimacy means more than copulating. And you're correct, this is the sexual relationship that is considered normal. The husband is expected to want to give pleasure to his wife as much as to receive. And he is expected to treat sex as always an act of giving and receiving, a mutual act of intimacy and shared pleasure.

And this is why it is so emotionally hurtful to you and destructive to the marriage. You are losing that sense of love and intimacy and shared pleasure with your husband.

I can't tell you what his motivation in being this rough, selfish and one-sided is. He might have grown up in an environment that fostered the idea that wives are there to serve husbands. That's not standard any more, but maybe. He may have a personality or character issue about being a bit of a bully. I don't know if that's accurate. There are many, many possibilities, you see.

But what I can tell you with confidence is this: you need to take action with him to correct this problem or it will only get worse. You will only feel worse and the marriage will become threatened. This, then, is very important that you two seek professional help in dealing with this. Because you've indicated that he doesn't listen to you in these matters. And this is a tragic mistake on his part. Because he's losing your trust in him as someone who cares for and about you and thus in the marriage.

Here is an online therapist finder for Australia that I like because you can see a picture of the person and read about them a bit. You need to interview the therapist and make sure he/she is comfortable working with couples and sexual problems and issues.


http://www.findatherapist.com.au/



The Australian Psychological Society has a search.Again, make sure couples is a priority in his/her work.


http://www.psychology.org.au/FindaPsychologist/Default.aspx

Okay, I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thank you for your reply. I am trying to figure out if I should even be sticking around at this time.


 


On Sunday I went on his phone, and found that there was a message from a website ashleymadison.com. It's catch phrase is "Affair Guaranteed". I decided to find out how far my husband of 4 years was willing to go. I created a profile for myself, and paid for credit on his account so that he would be able to chat with me. I messaged him, and quickly got a response. We messaged back and fourth organising a meet up where we (me being someone else) could have sex in the back of his van. I was typing to him, as he came into our bedroom and took a blanket to make the back of the van soft and comfortable, which he then messaged that he had done. I then asked why he was looking for it else where, and he replied, because of lack of sex, (we have it at least 4 times a week, unless I have my period), and then I asked if he would leave his wife for me if we got on, and he replied yes.


 


When I comfronted him about all of this, he thought it was funny, and then said he found it to be a turn on that if was actually me.


 


My question is....Is this able to be fixed, or this something I am doing wrong, or does he have a sex addiction.


 


Through our discussions yesterday about all of what had happened, I asked what he wanted, did he want me to just lay there, and be a hole. And he asked if that was something that I would be able to do for him.


 


I have no idea what I am doing. This is so hard, and confusing.


 


I am hoping that you may be able to help me.

My concern here is that you not make yourself the villain here: you did not force him to behave this way. This was his choice. You are not the cause of your husband seeking extramarital sex. Okay? Because this is important. Wives sometimes do this and then a few years later wake up and realized they've blamed themselves for his problems. Please keep this in mind.


The question of whether he has a sex addiction is a fair one. I can't answer that. But it is certainly a possibility here. And the answer that he was not intending to go ahead is certainly pretty lame given the situation. It's rather comical, if it were not so painful and hurtful. I'm so sorry you're going through this painful and hurtful situation.


I can't tell you if the marriage is salvageable. It would be wonderful if it was. But he would have to be willing to go to couples therapy and actually do the work. That would mean first and foremost to admit in therapy with you that he has been acting badly toward you. That he has hurt you. And to show that this means something to him, that he wants to act differently.


Only you can decide if you think this is possible. I hope it is and if so, then finding the best therapist to work with is very urgent.


I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

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