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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5425
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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i am always tired and easily irritable. i am not happy with

Resolved Question:

i am always tired and easily irritable. i am not happy with myself even though i have a beautiful baby boy and an amazing fiance. this is putting a strain on our relationship
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

Can you tell me a bit more about your situation? When did these symptoms start? Do you have a history of any mental health issues such as depression or anxiety?

Thank you,
Kate

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I have never had problems with mental illness before. The symptoms started right after my son was born 4 months ago. Right now my fiance and I live in her parents basement while we try to save money for a down payment for a house. I feel that her mother judges me every second we are here. I work full time as a welders apprentice and work 11 hour days. With a shift of 11 on 3 off. My fiance and I have been fighting a lot more as well. I feel that I am not able to fully support my fiance and son when i can not even provide a roof over our heads without help from her parents. I am stressed out all the time when I get home because I feel that my fiance and I do not spend enough time together. She is a fully independent woman and that's what I love most about her. Kate what is going on with me when we first got together i was so happy and so in love and now nothing. Ever since I finished college baseball and moved in to her parents place I have changed

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for the additional information.

It sounds like you have gone from someone enjoying personal freedoms and a satisfying life to someone who is overburdened with responsibility. Plus it sounds like you are by nature a mature and responsible person. That is going to go against having to rely on your fiancee's parents for support. You want to be able to support yourself and your family, but you can't right now so inside you may feel like you are letting everyone down, including yourself. That is a tough message to send yourself when you are doing your best.

It is normal to have goals for yourself and want to succeed. And it sounds like you really are satisfied with your relationship. You mentioned being happy and fulfilled with your fiancee. However, when you add a lot of responsibilities, it can take away that fun part of your life and make it seem like all you do is work, only to have nothing to show for it.

Having your fiancee's mother always being critical of you can add to the already difficult situation you are in. It can also put more pressure on you than you already are putting on yourself. That can make you feel like a failure and make you feel irritable and tired.

Try not to be concerned with what you are feeling. Your response to your situation is very normal, though it doesn't feel so good. What may help is to start changing how you are thinking about your current situation. For one, this is not going to last forever. Having a baby is difficult and very stressful. Add to it the lack of income and work involved, and it is natural to feel this way. But your child will not be young for long and you will not be stuck in your fiancee's parents home either.

Secondly, try to make goals that you want to achieve. Even if you take only small step, you are still working towards those goals.

Thirdly, try to take advantage of the situation by asking your fiancee's parents to take care of your child with you two go out. Even if it's just for a few hours it is worth it. And it gives you something to look forward to.

Fourth, try to find something you can do that you love. Join a baseball league, get together with friends, etc. Bring your fiancee along with the baby if you need to. It helps to get out your stress and brings you closer as a family.

Finally, talk about your dreams with your fiancee. Even if you cannot do any of those things now, just fantasizing together can help you both feel better and give you ideas of how you want your future to look.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I have tried talking with my fiance but she is taking her mothers side. I have talked to her about the dreams but she is a realist and does not like to see those dreams. As for the baseball thing i blew my elbow out last year and cannot play anymore because it has not healed properly. My fiance also says we cannot rely on her parents to watch our son as we go out. It frustrates me. She does not want to leave our sons side and it feels she would do anything for him but not for me. I have no friends here because i have recently moved to a new town and it is tough meeting people. Kate I have tried getting out with her and it does not work. I feel that if i ask her to do stuff it will cause a fight.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

We also believe that this could stem from issues i had with my dad. he was always working and busy with work that he never came to any of my sporting events and know i feel that i will turn into my dad and neglect my son and things that are important to him. i always was getting made at him for not coming to my baseball games. i had to fight with him to come to the baseball championships that were held in our town. it is frustarting to me

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
It sounds like your fiancee is not letting you have any say so in the situation. You mention that she controls your conversations, won't ask her parents to help with your son and she takes her mother's side in everything. That is not helping your relationship. And if you feel asking her to consider your feelings and thoughts would cause a fight, that is a big issue.

If she is going to try to control your relationship, that is going to frustrate you and make you feel irritable. You don't' have any choices. It may be a good idea at this point to consider therapy. This issue runs deeper than just the two of you struggling together. This sounds like a power and control problem that could continue no matter what your circumstances. And before you marry and stay together, you need to work this out. You can talk to a pastor if either of you attend church or you can contact your local community mental health center for low cost/no cost counseling. It will help you both get out your feelings and find a better way to communicate. And if she will not go, go on your own. You need to find a way to work within the relationship or decide what you want to do with your future.

Kate



May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

thats wasnt really helpful she isnt controlling at all she

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
If she is not controlling, that is fine. But it does sound like your issues are something you should work out with a counselor because they are deeper than just a disagreement.

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I know that but i wanted to get help here first to see if it was worth it going to a counselor. I feel that all fights are my fault because I am bringing up me feelings. To be honest with you i wear my emotions on my sleeve and everyone knows when im not happy. It sucks i have tried to control it but has never worked for me. I feel trapped also because i am at her parents place and feel like i need to be the perfect son in law. I get so angry when this happens because no body is perfect and my mother in law seems to think that she is and that nothing i says matters

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Because of the depth of the issues you are describing, therapy is a great option for you both. Just Answer is geared towards guiding you towards the best options for you, but it is not set up to deal with deeper issues such as you are describing. Therapy is a much better option since you can explore the dynamics of your relationship and see why these issues are occurring between you both.

Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5425
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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