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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1165
Experience:  Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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Dr. L, my husband is a successful chef/restaurant owner,

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Dr. L,

my husband is a successful chef/restaurant owner, and after finishing BFA i was forced/ asked by him and a situation (hired a new manager who offered her service after witnessing our business crumble apart under poor management , she needed some minor training and help in the office) to be there. She took this business very seriously.
the new manager was overly friendly for over a year, joking, leaving great cards on the desc with little questions. i looked forward to go to work feeling funny that perhaps it was artificial, but who doesn't like attention? both of us are 45, so we joked about life, etc., we were exchanging books, films, gifts. she was working hard, i tried to back her up on her days off. one day she fell ill with some horrible unknown thing and for 4 weeks she was nearly dead.
finally she came back, still on high doses of steroids, overweight, poor thing. she worked harder than ever, fired, re-hired, trained, re-trained. my husband was now at work all the time, cooking, talking on the phone, and being a great annoyance to our manager: she started joking about sedating him, etc.
the cards had stopped: now i was told how to talk to servers, cooks, chefs. i was gently asked not to be bothered with answering the phone.
meanwhile we had opened a second establishment down the street and i was under financial stress and all that comes with a new business. i was seeking a word of wisdom from her, she shut down. one day i was rude back to her. she stopped talking to me and said to my partner that i was ill and i needed a doctor ( she knew i was on celexa).
i stopped going there, stopped helping. i felt low: ran, stopped taking those pills, went for acupuncture. felt that my husband had betraied me by passing on to me wards Of "her wisdom".
two months passed, and we've met to go through all the paper work... she was short with me. i kept out of her way, found another job.
last week she stormed out of the restaurant blaming my husband for a bad kitchen service the day before. he called her back a week later to come back, train a new manager, and leave on a good term.
she was surprised, and agreed, but attacked him once again, saying how poor he is and how bad our relationship is and that she is very sad that this business will desolve because of our marriage difficulties, and because of my poor mental state.
it hurt me once again, and i do not believe that someone can be so powerful over another's life or thinking, and i don't understand how the business and our marriage/ work and personal became as a single subject to her. i am disturbed by the fact that she is concerned so much of us. please help to clear my vision.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I would like to help you with your question.

Dr. L :

I am sorry this has happened to you. It certainly sounds like a bizarre situation.

Dr. L :

It is hard to understand how an employee has gotten so involved in your personal life and dares to make negative statements about your marriage. If I have read your post correctly...she was hired to help with the business..not hired to give you advice - or instruction - on your personal life.

Dr. L :

I am sorry that she got so very ill...but still...that gives her no right to come into your business and make comments about your mental health and your marriage. Clearly...this is not what she has been hired to do.

Dr. L :

I do wonder if her own health crisis has something to do with the dramatic change in attitude. You mention that she was taking steroids ... that can have impacts on one's personality.

Dr. L :

The reason that she became so powerful was in part because you befriended her. There were not clear boundaries between the business and your personal life....those bled together and she had much more influence then she should have over your life.

Dr. L :

I see your are typing...I will wait for your post...

Customer:

you are right, it is bizarre ad i need some help to re-gain my sanity and explain these things. are you Dr. L?

Dr. L :

Yes....this is Dr. L.

Customer:

ok

Dr. L :

I think you made a mistake in trusting this woman and letting her into your life. I am sorry. And...I can easily imagine how this happened. As you say...you are the same age, she was friendly, and you felt comfortable with her. You became friends...

Dr. L :

But then she betrayed that friendship by commenting on your personal life. That never should have happened.

Dr. L :

And...the minute she did that...she should have been reprimanded. If she failed to keep the boundary...then she should have been fired. Period.

Dr. L :

I encourage you to face your own mistake here and to vow to never do that again. Then...you need to forgive yourself...and go on with life.

Dr. L :

I'm not sure what role your husband had in all of this...if he allowed her more influence then he should have...

Dr. L :

But in any case...it is good that she will be out of your life. You do not need a paid staff person who makes cruel remarks about you or about your husband.

Dr. L :

I would like to encourage you to consider seeing a psychologist...if only for a few sessions...to clear this issue from your mind. You were taken advantage of....and so was your husband.

Dr. L :

You did what most people would do..you were friendly and built a friendship with her. But ... that was really not appropriate given the fact that she was your employee.

Customer:

do you mean that friendship was not appropriate?

Dr. L :

Yes....the friendship was inappropriate. She was an employee. There should have been a boundary that kept her out of your personal life. You could have been friendly...but as an owner of the company...there needed to be a boundary.

Customer:

are you spanking me? we have never been out together: in the office she used to sit me beside her to tell about my difficulties...a couple of times i cried and she kept telling it was OK... i used to drive her home, and buy her some clothes when she complained how fat she became from those pills. for a moment it felt if i had a sister or an old friend...that was it; the rest was business. i am such an idiot.

Dr. L :

No I am not spanking you...

Dr. L :

I was hoping to show you how you might have made a mistake by letting her get too close to you.

Dr. L :

It is a common situation...we have an employee that we like...we extend friendship because we need a friend/because it seems right/because it is easy...and then...that friendship allows them to exploit us because they know way too much about us...

Dr. L :

From what you wrote...you was manipulative. Asking you to sit beside her so that you could talk about your difficulties...she was taking advantage of your vulnerability...

Dr. L :

And being a good person...yes it was easy to buy her some clothes when she complained...

Dr. L :

Do you see how easy all of this was? But..unfortunately...it allowed her to know too much about you and too get way too close to you.

Dr. L :

She was your employee. And as an employee...there were things she should not have known about you and about your husband.

Dr. L :

Her accusations were a betrayal. She was disrespectful and hurtful.

Customer:

good morning,will i ever figure out what was she aiming for?

Customer:

dr. L

Customer:

i just have to get over it and live my life as you said, and there will be tomorrow and another winning/ loosing situation... i would see a psychologist . thanks.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

She could have been aiming at several things....but it would seem that control would be one of the key elements of whatever she was doing.

Dr. L :

And yes..you do need to live your life...and get through this unfortunate incident in your life. Seeing a psychologist might be one of the best things you do for yourself...and for your husband and family.

Dr. L :

You were taken advantage of by this woman. Going forward...it will be important to set boundaries and be clear about the difference between personal life and business/professional life.

Dr. L :

Take care!

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1165
Experience: Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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