Hi! I believe I can be of help with this issue.
First, let me say that you must accept that your influence is going to be very limited here. And this can lead to great frustration: you know clearly and can see it as plain as the day that he needs to leave and not turn back. But narcissists dominate the other person's personality and after a while, it is difficult for that person to feel "full" and okay without that dominating person in his life.
You can try discussing the following dynamic with him, though. Most often, the other person has a subconscious emotional feeling that if he were only good enough, or behaved exactly the right way, she would be the person he really wants her to be, she'd be perfect. Because she feels like she's so good. After all, she's a strong personality, and she really believes she's so good. And he needs to realize that it's not him who's keeping her down in any way, but the other way around.
And he also needs to realize that she will not accept help such as going to therapy. Why not?
Because narcissists never believe the problem is in them. The problem is always in YOU. So if they ever seek help, it is only to get what they want. Then they stop coming to therapy once they've convinced the people who have forced them to that they have tried. And all the while, they keep doing what they believe they should be doing.
And he also must understand that she is not going to change because of his giving nature. His goodness is not going to one day make her see the beauty of also being a good person. Narcissists don't change like that. It takes years and years of therapy. And so all she sees is someone to use.
It is very difficult for people to imagine how pervasive narcissism is. They tend to keep doing things with the narcissist as if she's normal. Then they get burned and they are very hurt. They will alternate charm and invective. With narcissism, their personality has become "fractured". What do I mean?
Let's use a parable of a house. You understand personality as being an open plan. There is the main big room where everything in the personality is and there are some smaller rooms off the main room, but they all have open doorways so that there is a unity there. If a person reacts from one of those smaller areas in his personality, it is coherent with the rest of the house, it fits into the decorating scheme of the main room, etc. It's all unified.
She isn't like that. She has different closed rooms. When she says something to you, it responds to some need and "truth" of a certain room. When she wants something else, it responds to a different room that contains that "truth". They don't have to agree for her to feel she is being okay and truthful. Because they are responding to different needs in her. Like different closed rooms.
You can recommend that he seek a support group. Daily Strength is a nonprofit that has online support group. Here's the one for Narcissist Victims Survival Group. Take a look and consider joining it. But that is not to take the place of a local abuse victim group. Okay? Here's the address:
You can also recommend this wonderful book that has helped many get through this situation:
It is called: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life by XXXXX XXXXXez-Lewi.
Let me close, though, with how I began: you have to accept that you can only try to make these suggestions. But he has to be willing to make this change and it will not be easy for him.
Okay, I wish you the very best!
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