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Bill
Bill, LCSW, Consultant, Expert Witness
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3705
Experience:  35 years treating individuals, couples, families with mental health and substance abuse prob's
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Ive been in a long distance relationship with a narcissistic

Resolved Question:

I've been in a long distance relationship with a narcissistic woman for 7 years. We've had the most intense love but she so often destroys special occasions and special treats I've arranged by dreaming up wild accusations of me flirting with other women.....or even men if her mood dictates! These situations are to my mind even when she is absolutely my centre of attention. is this a sub division of NPD? Have you come across this? Hurtman
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Bill replied 1 year ago.

Bill :

Hello- Thank you for asking the question. I have over 30 years of experience working with individuals, couples and families & am happy to reply.

Bill :

I am sorry to hear about the problems you have encountered in this relationship.

Bill :

First- If you are certain that she is a Narcissistic Personality- then it is also certain that you are in a relationship with an emotionally abusive person and have to ask yourself why you are chosing to do this.

Bill :

Narcissistic types are paranoid at their core and if they are not getting a steady supply of attention and admiration to fill their need for what is referred to as "Narcissistic Supply" they will do what ever it takes to demean and control in effort to avoid their intense fear of loss and abandonment.

Bill :

With Narcissistic Personality there is often overlapping Borderline Personality Disorder traits which appear to be evident here.

Bill :

Borderline types also are extremely manipulative and controlling and have similar strategies for controlling this emotionally abusive relationship. They are also likely to come from a prolonged history of abusive relationship- originating from childhood ( as is evident here) and continue to set themselves up in destructive relationships to reinforce the very weak and primitive ego structure.

Bill :

Detail on each of these disorders is here:

Bill :

Sadly, these types do not change.

Bill :

The question you have to ask yourself why you are willing to participate in a relationship with someone that is not going to fulfill your needs and will continue to be emotionally abusive.

Bill :

This is not "love" it is is only intense romanticized seduction which is cyclical- like all abusive relationships.

Customer:

Hi Bill,

Bill :

Hello

Bill :

Here are some other feelings that you may experience when dealing with a narcissist:

Bill :

  • You may feel like this person readily puts you down just to elevate themselves.

  • You may find yourself avoiding them because trying to communicate with them leaves you feeling confused, put-down, reduced to a lesser status and emptied of all that you know you really are.

  • You may feel overwhelmed, "out-gunned", tongue-tied or overpowered in the presence of this person.

  • You may feel blown away by their powerful personality, self-assuredness, self-belief and self-confidence.

  • Your own legitimate needs may be taking a back seat to their own frivolous, self-serving ambitions.

  • When receiving a compliment or apology, you may be left feeling patronized, demeaned, brought down to size and even humiliated.

  • You may attempt to compromise with them only to realize later that you are the only one who gave any substantial ground.

Bill :

This article will also help to enlighten you:

Bill :

Please send what you have type thus far:

Customer:

thanks for your reply. I think I understand why I am in the relationship - my girlfriend is very eye catching with a fabulous figure and vivacious personality. We are a fabulous match in bed and that's important to me. She satisfies one of my own needs to have a very attractive woman on my arm. She's also Latin and different to many other women I meet. There is never a dull moment with this girl and for a long time, I have taken an open eyed view that although she's high maintenance, I can cope with the upsets because the satisfaction that I derive overall outweighs the downsides. Having just gone to a lot of trouble over the past few days to arrange a romantic break in London, visiting music venues that we both love, she has wrecked the scene by inventing out of fresh air that I have apparently embarrassed her in public by flirting with another guy! each to their own, but I am in no doubt that that's not my bag!! I had no conversation with anybody else. The scene resulted in a horrible fight with her ending up accusing me of beating her up - I did nothing of the sort, but she sustained bruises by throwing herself at me and trying to batter me. My defence in holding her arms and pushing her away was something that I don't think I had any option over. therefore, as many times before, she is concentrating on "how I have hurt her" rather than even being prepared to admit that what she did in the music venue was wrong, unfair and presumably attention seeking. I will now put up with a period of being ignored followed by constant references to how I have abused her. I think I can see what is going on but i think my difficulty is in understanding how someone can twist the facts so much to make themselves a victim when in fact they are the aggressor. Granted, there are usually 2 sides to any account, but I honestly believe that there simply is nothing that I could have done to alter the events of the other evening, so inside me I am coming to the realisation that I have no option but to end this relationship. I know I will feel very empty as a result but a good understanding of the psychological factors will I think help me to survive.

Bill :

This is just an common example of what one endures in a relationship with someone who has a Personality Disorder.

Bill :

You have fallen for the superficial external aspects of the NPD - Borderline type but trust me, this is like a Black Widow Spider that ultimately consume there mates.

Bill :

What you see is what you get - there is no more- just abusive experience, and the predictable pattern of honeymoon period, reconciliation and another abusive experience.

Bill :

There is no future for you in this relationship and it is my suggestion that you learn more about it in the links I have provide, grieve the loss and move on.

Bill :

If necessary-get some short term counseling for yourself.

Customer:

I know you're correct. I'm strong enough to overcome and survive without animosity towards her - just a very deep sadness that she has a disorder that as far as I am aware, there is no cure for. Finally Bill, I did think up until now that there might be some way for me to make her understand that she has a disorder, but of course that is inflammatory in itself. Your advice is "get out and move on"?

Bill :

You are correct-----trying to get her to understand is only inflammatory and will result in World War III. She is hollow and has no insight or ability to self observe that is why everything is projected and deflected against you or others.

Bill :

Sadly, moving on is the only option.

Customer:

Sorry - I had not seen your last coupe of paragraphs. Thanks for your advice Bill.

Bill :

You deserve to have a deep MUTUALLY SATISFYING RELATIONSHIP!

Bill :

You are most welcome.

Bill :

I wish you the best at this difficult time.

Bill :

Kindest regards, Bill

Customer:

Much appreciated.

Bill :

PLEASE LEAVE POSITIVE RATING SO THAT I RECEIVE CREDIT FOR MY TIME

Bill :

My pleasure

Bill :

you will have a complete copy of this chat (with links) in your email) for future reference.

Bill, LCSW, Consultant, Expert Witness
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3705
Experience: 35 years treating individuals, couples, families with mental health and substance abuse prob's
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