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Bill
Bill, LCSW, Consultant, Expert Witness
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3706
Experience:  35 years treating individuals, couples, families with mental health and substance abuse prob's
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Hi I just broke up with me girlfriend who was subsequently

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Hi I just broke up with me girlfriend who was subsequently my best friend before we were in a relationship. I still have strong feelings for her and I know she does to but there is too many issues going on in her life at the moment and I think she's just not ready for a relationship. Is it possible to get back together in this case?

Bill :

Hello- Thank you for asking the question. I have over 30 years of experience working with individuals, couples and families & am happy to reply.

Bill :

I am sorry to hear about this.........

Bill :

It is very painful to go through the loss or break up of a relationship and in reading what you write, it sounds like your girlfriend has made it clear that she would prefer to be "friends" than having a deeper , commitment at this time. Correct?

Bill :

I see you are typing.

Customer:

yes I guess though when we dated we got along really well not as close friends but s partners. which confused me when she wrote "julius the last thing I want to do is make you unhappy but.. I can't be in a relationship with you... my feelings for you are more of a friends rather that of a lovers... I know i kissed you yesterday but... I wanted to see if that would bring out something in me... I know you'll be upset with me but I still want to be there for you through your issues, but as a friend... I still want you to talk to me when you are feeling down or things aren't going right for you, I know I won't be there as a lover but I'll always be there as your friend." leads me to question whether her circumstances are weighing down on her decision.

Bill :

Julius- What she is doing is telling you that she feels sorry for whatever it is you are going through and wants to be a supportive friend. The reality is that you cannot have it both ways and this is what she is trying to do as she lets you down slowly- trying to make it easier on you to accept that she doesn't want to hurt you but at the same time wants to be friends.

This is not fair to you and although you still have strong feelings about the relationship( which is normal) if she cannot fulfill your desire for more, then it is best to bring this to and end and cope with moving forward.

Bill :

She feels sorry for you and this is not a position you want to be in.

Bill :

You have to work through the loss - be kind and thankful for her interest in being supportive- but clarify that you can find support elsewhere.....If you feel like you have been "partners" it is very difficult to go backwards and be "friends"

Bill :

What is she so worried about in respect to you and your need for support?

Bill :

I am attaching a link that addresses what a healthy relationship is:

Bill :

I am also attaching how you can cope with a break up.....

Customer:

Thanks. well as friends we were close personally and we used to help each other out a lot. I was honest whenI asked her out and used the " I like you line and she said she liked me to. things were going really well and all of a sudden she says that which indicates to me anyway something may or may not have altered her decision. don't get me wrong I care for her either way and I'd be there to support her but Knowing er as a close friend it doesn't sound like her to say something like that so suddenly when our relationship was going well so I'm confused.

Bill :

It is confusing and there may be more to this than you are aware... In time - you will have more understanding as to what is going on- however, this is a very common way that people try and end a relationship- thinking that letting you down slowly will somehow minimize the pain vs telling you honestly that the relationship is over.

Bill :

If you need clarity- ask her directly: Is it over???

Bill :

If it is, then you you chose and are in control of how much time you want to devote to a friendship.

Customer:

hmm thanks I might try that

Bill :

If you have questions for her- get them off your chest sooner than later- Otherwise, it will just make you feel uncertain. It may not be what you want to hear but it is the fastest way to help you resolve this and make the next decision on your path forward.

Bill :

Remember- the person with the least interest in a relationship has the most control. Right now, she is in that position.

Bill and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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