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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience:  Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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My 30 year old daughter has decided to go out on her own and

Resolved Question:

My 30 year old daughter has decided to go out on her own and I don't know how to handle it. It is a complete surprise to be. I am devastated. I can't see myself living here alone. I don't want our relationship to change. I just want God to kill me now and put me out of my misery. I have been crying for two days, since she told me, and I keep hoping I'll go to sleep an never wake up. I can't face the future without her. I don't know who I am.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I would like to help you with your question.

Dr. L :

I am so sorry that you are feeling so terrible about your daughter's decision.

Dr. L :

What you seem to have is a very co-dependent relationship with her. As you state, you are more like sisters. This is all well and fine in regard to how you get along...but you are not sisters...you are her mother and she very well knows this.

Dr. L :

You have not done anything wrong. This is your daughter attempting to be an adult. Attempting to live her own life. This is what every child needs to do...to leave home to build their own life.

Dr. L :

And yes..your life is about to change and it's not something you wanted to happen...and you would stop it if you could. I encourage you to see this differently..to see that she needs to be the adult you raised her to be! Didn't you raise her to be an independent woman! Do

Dr. L :

you want her to give up her own dreams and independence so that she never stands on her own two feet?

Dr. L :

Her moving out on her own will not end your relationship.

Dr. L :

I see your are offline. When you come online I will be notified.

Dr. L :

Thank you.

Customer:

I am on line

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

What is your response to what I posted?

Customer:

I understand her desire to be on her own, to have her own space; no matter how close we are, I am still her mother. I get that. And yes, I want her to stand on her own two feet and be the independent woman I raised her to be. She is an awesome human being and I am proud to have raised her to be who she is. I am just so heartbroken at the thought of not having her with me any longer. It has been her and me against the world from the minute she was born and that's all I know. I have no identity of my own. I have nothing to live for or look toward. I have no dreams or passions to pursue. I am terrified of this change because I don't know who I am and who I will become without her here by my side.

Dr. L :

Then the challenge for you is to re-create yourself...to find your own dreams and passions.

Dr. L :

It makes sense that you are terrified...it really does...

Dr. L :

Still...this is your opportunity to learn who you are and to grasp life...

Dr. L :

Would you consider seeing a life coach or a therapist?

Dr. L :

This might be a way to get a professional involved in helping you through this transitional period.

Customer:

Yes. Definitely.

Dr. L :

If this is something you would consider...then I encourage you to do so.

Dr. L :

It will be tremendously helpful to you...and to your daughter.

Dr. L :

She needs to see that you can bounce back from this change. And...also...she will likely be delighted to see you "bloom" and become the woman you deserve to be...

Customer:

I do want to do something positive; by doing something positive for me I will also be doing something positive for her. I don't like the blubbering fool I've become over the last couple of days ... I just don't know where to begin. And yes, she would be very proud to see me stand up and face the world as well as she does.

Dr. L :

Blubbering fool?!!! You are a mother - that's what mothers and fathers do when their kids move off...we blubber...we are sad...we don't know what we are going to do without them...

Dr. L :

Welcome to the human race mom!

Customer:

:0

Dr. L :

And yes...when you are less emotional and more logical you do see that both of you will gain from this change!

Dr. L :

I think that in time...both of you will be grateful that you had the courage to take this route...

Customer:

I agree.

Dr. L :

You are feeling exactly as you ought to be feeling...

Customer:

I'll be happier when it doesn't hurt so much.

Dr. L :

Yes...you will be.

Dr. L :

Right now you are grieving...

Dr. L :

And that is a normal process...

Dr. L :

You will grieve the loss of the intimate, daily contact you have...

Dr. L :

but on the other side of that grief will be the joy of new adventures, a new perspective on life...

Customer:

Promise?

Dr. L :

Yes...I can promise that if you do the work of grieving, seek out a therapist or life coach to help you, and are willing to change...yes you will find joy.

Dr. L :

Part of that joy will be in seeing your daughter succeed!

Dr. L :

Which is ultimately what you want!

Customer:

Yes, more than anything in life, I want to see her happy.

Dr. L :

And...that is what she is aiming at as well...not that she isn't happy with you...but she wants to build her own happiness.

Dr. L :

Let her go with your blessing...she is your daughter and nothing will ever every change that...

Customer:

That's right. So, I guess the next step is mine ... to help her on her way.

Dr. L :

Yes...and like so many things you have done as her mother...you can successfully launch her!

Dr. L :

That is your challenge and you can rise to it!

Dr. L :

You would not have written to JustAnswer if you didn't want to be successful!

Customer:

I do ... I do want her success ... and mine, as well. I just cherish our relationship and I guess I fear I will become less important to her as she begins living a life separate from ours. I do know she loves me, though, there's no doubt about that, as I do her, and I doubt anything could ever change that. But we've always been each other's #1 priorities. It's going to take some getting used to not being top dog in her life any more. But if anyone can do it, we can.

Customer:

I just wish I could stop crying!

Dr. L :

And you will stop crying. I believe that with grief we need to have a Niagara Falls like experience...where the tears feel like they will never end. But they do end...and we are able to move on...

Dr. L :

And while you may not be Top Dog at all moments..you will always be one of the most important people in her life!

Dr. L :

And that is a real achievement!

Dr. L :

Is there any more I can help you with this evening?

Customer:

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX you have been a huge help in putting this into perspective for me. I know it will be a positive experience for both of us ... eventually. And I will seek out a therapist/life coach for advice on how to get through the transition in one piece. Your advice is very much appreciated.

Dr. L :

You are very welcome.

Dr. L :

If you should ever want to chat again, just post another question and ask for me by name.

Dr. L :

I wish you the very best of luck!

Dr. L :

Take care!

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience: Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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Dr. L
Dr. L
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Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist