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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience:  Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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Hi. I am really confused. I am a 29 year old married female

Resolved Question:

Hi. I am really confused. I am a 29 year old married female and have been with my husband for 11 years. I have always been in hetrosexual relationships, although I have always found women attractive and have often fantasised about women, but pushed these thoughts to the back of my mind.

Last night I had my first proper lesbian experience and now I'm completely confused. I love my husband and I desperstely want a baby, however I now feel like I will never feel fulfilled by my husband or any man, and being with women now seems completely natural to me, almost like it is my preference.

I don't know what to do or what this means.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I would like to help you with your question.

Dr. L :

I can understand how confusing this incident is to you. You have lived your life within the framework of one sexual orientation and now you are unsure of that orientation. Understandably this is strange, different, and may make little sense.

Dr. L :

I would encourage you to see a psychologist to talk about the confusion you are feeling inside and to work through the ambiguity you are feeling about your sexual orientation.

Dr. L :

You are at a crossroads in your life and need help to determine where you will go from here.

Dr. L :

I see you are offline, when you come online I will be notified and then we can chat.

Dr. L :

Thank you.

Customer:

Hi

Customer:

I am on-line...

Dr. L :

Hello...

Customer:

hi

Dr. L :

I am sorry you are in such a tough spot here..

Dr. L :

What thoughts do you have after reading what I posted?

Customer:

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX know what to do really. I can't imagine not being with my husband, but I think the innevitable would be that I would end up cheating on him with women and I don't really think that is fair

Dr. L :

What makes you think that this will be more than a "one night stand"...

Dr. L :

I am not suggesting you see a therapist to change your mind about your orientation...but to confirm what is true.

Dr. L :

I'm not sure that you can do that at this particular point in time. I truly think you need help sorting through your feelings.

Customer:

I don't know if it would. Maybe I would end up just having one night stands which still isn't right or fair, but knowing my personality I fall in love easily and would find it hard to walk away the following morning with no contact with that person ever again after sharing intimate experiences

Customer:

I just can't see a happy ending either way.

Dr. L :

But that's today...

Dr. L :

That comes on the heels of having a wonderful experience.

Customer:

If I stay with my husband then I probably will end up having one night stands with other women, but if I don't I just cannot picture my life being childless, this is something that is very important to me

Dr. L :

You have been married for 11 years. You want to have a child. Today..you have one set of feelings. But for 11 years you have lived happily with a man. In my 30 years experience as a psychologist, I would say that you need to give yourself some time to process what has happened and that a knee jerk decision is not in your best interest...nor that of your husband or any woman you would come in contact with.

Dr. L :

What I see needing to happen is to work with a therapist to do the work necessary to make a decision that will last the test of time....

Dr. L :

Does this make sense?

Customer:

One thing that will never chance is my desire for a child. Whilst the decision of whether i would be happier in a realtionship with a man or a woman is somewhat a grey area, my desire for a child is absolutely black and white

Dr. L :

And do you see your husband as the father of that child?

Dr. L :

Do you see raising a child with a man as a partner necessary..or do you think you could raise a child with another woman?

Customer:

I suppose that is an option. It seems so alien to me, I can't imagine such a drastic change to my life

Dr. L :

And that is my point....these are things that need to be processed...to think through...to look at all angles...to talk them through with a trained professional...

Customer:

yes I suppose you are right

Dr. L :

These are overwhelming questions today!

Dr. L :

And...they will have far-ranging consequences for your life...

Customer:

Yes... consequences...

Dr. L :

And this is what can cause you great anxiety and pain...again...why I encourage you to see a psychologist...

Customer:

yes ok, thank you

Dr. L :

Is there any more that you would like to chat about tonight?

Dr. L :

I want to make sure that you feel satisfied with this chat...that you find this helpful...

Customer:

I don't know really. I have been perfectly happy for 11 years, maybe I would be happy just to continue as I always have and just not act on any attractions to women as i always have done before

Dr. L :

That is certainly one route to take...but as you wrote earlier...would you just have affairs from time to time?

Customer:

I don't know... I never have before

Dr. L :

It would seem that you are looking for a "permanent" answer...as you really want to proceed with life.

Customer:

Yes I suppose I am

Dr. L :

If that's what you want...a final answer...then it will take time to process thru the feelings..

Dr. L :

to look at all the options...and to find the courage to talk to your husband.

Customer:

Yes I guess I do know that. Ok well thank you for your help

Dr. L :

You are very welcome.

Dr. L :

If you would ever like to chat in the future. Just post a new question and ask for me by name.

Dr. L :

Thank you!

Dr. L :

I wish you the very best!

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience: Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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Dr. L
Dr. L
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Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist