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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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Hi just trying to work thru several issues. I am a 52 year

Customer Question

Hi just trying to work thru several issues. I am a 52 year old male. Although I have made my mind up on a few things. And it kinda of lets the gas off the brain. But I was picked up at the age of 6 by an aunt and uncle. The made me call them mom and dad and there kids brother and sister. They just fostered me but was told to tell everyone I was adopted. At the same time I was told to call my birth mother aunt Carol, and tell everyone that my real sisters were my cousins. That sent me to school and I had to tell my teachers that my last name was Guy and begin signing all my test and home work as Paul Guy but the roll books had Boudreaux. I went all the way through 12 grade doing this and it was difficult because the teachers would often make a mistake and call me by legal name Boudreaux. At age 18 I was able to legally change it, thank God. Because that was difficult. To this day, I have never called my birth mother aunt nor have I called her mom. I don't think anyone has ever notice it. If they had never said anything. It's just hard to keep playing these silly games. Diffucult to keep avoiding the problem. Never could decide if This is some kind of mental abuse, or if I was trying to be brain washed. Just trying to make some sense of it all.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Hello, I'm available to assist you. Thank you for your post today.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It sounds like it's been a life long battle for you trying to make sense out of this.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It can be considered abuse in the sense that you were told to pretend and to lie to others, without, I imagine much explanation from your aunt, uncle, parents. Picked you up at the age of six!! That vision is frightening- leaving your family. It was simply "just do it"- telling people you were someone you were not.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Are you able to join me for a live chat?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You sound like, after so many years, have a great deal of insight.

Customer:

yes

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Great

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Do you believe it was abuse of some kind?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

How have you done in your life considering all of this?

Customer:

I think so. surelly a lot of bad choices

Customer:

Im 52 never married, never bonded, never could form a relationship

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Right, adults, not thinking through the long term consequences of this. Do you think some of it was the "generation", pretend all is perfect, don't tell others what is going on in the family etc.? So this has likely affected your relationships.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Those who were to protect, love, make you feel you "belonged" lied, may have learned it's tough to trust, to believe others would be there for you. Natural that a person would shut them self off from others to protect self when you had such an experience. What weighs heavy on your mind now?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

When the entire situation started out with secrets and lies, it all had to become more elaborate- spinning a tale that was not true.

Customer:

It's all confusing. cant tell who's right and who's wrong. Thes's days I visist my birth mother in a nurseing home which I had to put her there. She's ok with it now. But I dont call her mom nor do I refere to her as aunt carol. She began saying i love you about 6 months ago I could not say it back. after a few months I thinks

Customer:

think shes ginen it up.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

As a child, and now an adult, you have done the best you can considering all of this. You had to always have your guard up- to be sure and not "let the secret out". Things you learned as a child to cope/defense mechanisms may have been carried into adulthood- even though you no longer have to be that person any longer. You mother may be looking to make amends before her time in life is up!!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Amends in her own way- without coming out and saying it. How do you think that "little boy" felt going into such a situation, and at such a young age- again, the best you could. What do we know at such a young age. Have you been able to ask your mother questions you may have, or does that not seem like an option?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It's natural because of all of this, you learned really really well to "pretend", hide your true self. Sounds like you are on a search for who that true self may be. Almost having to "redefine" yourself. It sounds like you've read some great books in your search to figure this out. Have you had counseling? It may be helpful to seek out assistance to sort this out. You said you were trying to work through several issues. You deserve support to help you heal from this.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

We all have a story to tell, sacred stories. You are not alone in your hurt, so many people have struggled and been hurt growing up, and now as adults they are trying to work through this. May never make sense trying to figure out what the adults were thinking- and as a child you didn't have a say in the matter.

Customer:

I have talked a little about it several years ago with her. But I can see her shut down an there's no real answer. There just seems no reason to hert her. I just carry it. I did some counseling and learned to title some events in my life before it just hung there

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I feel honored to be hearing your story. It's not uncommon at about midway? in our life- we do that soul searching. The exciting thing is you have 50 years to go(if we live to be 100 that is)- lots of time to write the story as you want to live. I think you are doing great work trying to heal in your reading, reaching out to help sort this out. Right- is it worth it to "hurt" her so late in he life.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Somehow your mother did the best she knew of at the time too right?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

She may have been in a very difficult place and lots of shame related to placing you outside the home.

Customer:

I feel she did. just hard a disrectpectful I think to call her aunt

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Sometimes understanding, and forgiving someone, getting to the place where you believe she did the best she knew of, can be the best gift to yourself.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

In that generation, family secrets were the norm to.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

"Do not tell people what goes on in this home", was the standard back then.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You may consider writing your mother a letter forgiving her??? Does not mean you give it to her, it's for your healing only. It can be a way to let some of this go. This stuff that life hands us sometimes- what to do with it, how to make sense out of it...life is puzzling. Have you ventured out to meet people? It takes lots of courage to do that. Finding places to meet people, form some relationships would do you some good. You are good no matter what happened to you!! We don't have a say as a child about what goes on- we go along for the "ride". Look to the adults to do it, and of course, trust they will do it right??, Not so much right? Our parents can be like children them self- in adult bodies!! Books by author John Bradshaw are good- family, shame, etc. He has a few good ones. Bradshaw on The Family is a good one. Bradshaw says that 96% of families are to some degree emotionally impaired. Your local library may have his books. Our search for meaning is life long.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm sorry, are you still there. It shows you typing.

Customer:

yes just got you answer let me read it

Customer:

I look the book up thanks

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Another good one by Bradshaw is- Healing the Shame That Binds You

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Great- hope the info. was helpful. Anything else I may help you with?

Customer:

No, thanks. you have been helpful!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Books really speak to us sometimes- can be very helpful, healing.. If you'd be so kind to rate my answer okay or higher- much appreciated!! Thank you!

Customer:

thank you

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You are so very welcome- my pleasure!!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Let me know if I can help again.

Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
Jean and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


I ordered the 2 books (used) from ebay. Thanksagain.

Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
I hope you find them helpful- for sure informational!! Thanks for your message today.

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