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Bill
Bill, LCSW, Consultant, Expert Witness
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3705
Experience:  35 years treating individuals, couples, families with mental health and substance abuse prob's
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I am gay had a friend whom I met four years back. We moved

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I am gay had a friend whom I met four years back. We moved to live in same country where he came to stay with me. I am not sexually active, i.e. never touched or had sex before except at 16 with a paid prostitute. When I was sleeping my friend touched me and soon we started to give handjobs, then some oral sex sometimes, sometime we kiss but he never liked the kissing part that and linked the kiss to being homosexuals. Always he would tell me he loves me, hugs me ... but always carried himself as straight. recently he met a girl who hangs around with him and stuff and he says he loves her. Soon our relationship became weird, though he never had sex with woman, just kissed, even with this girl, I read a message where he was telling her that he had erections all day and she told him why you didn't empty he said I am embarrassed how can I do that infront of a girl. He slept in her place and came back after three days and slept with me. this is when I told took off his hand from me tried to kiss he said this is gay. Then soon I told him read the message he read where I told him I am in love with him. We slept morning went to work and came back sort of angry. Then evening he went to that girl where I am also invited but refused to go. He had a leash and shouted and took his stuff and said I can not be like this, I am like this with my friends, is this what you call brotherhood and friendship. Then he said I can not see you like this and said I will not forget the good things and say I am an asshole and left. Since then I didn't hear from him its been three days now, and I heard he met a friend older and married and told him he had a fight with me and said I have sent him a message which makes me either a woman or gay and he said but I am not or else I have been living with him and would have tried to hit on him and this never happened he said so he was denying also I was gay or he iswhich is surely a lie when it comes to me. Now I don't know if he is gay in denial bisexual, or...etc he always used to say I wanna marry etc and tells me whne u will marry , he has always been very affectionate although he is an angry character sometimes. Now I am confused in pain and don't know where this relationship stands as he is my first actual love and the only person whom I have touched ever other than the prostitute when I was 16. I am not sure whats next I don't what is he how can he say he loves me has these things then he says he wants to be with the woman..etc he is 25, the relationship sexualy is two and half years

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Bill replied 1 year ago.
Hello- Thank you for asking the question. I have over 30 years of experience working with individuals, couples and families & am happy to reply.

I am sorry to hear about this.

In reading what you have written, it sounds that you are very clear about your sexual identity needs and wants and the person whom you are in "love"with is NOT.

For you this is going to be difficult as although your friends confusion is part of a normal process of working through what he wants, you are in a triangle if he is also having a relationships with a girl.

This, I am afraid, is not a good sign for your relationship and the reason why that you and your friend have had more friction and conflict in recent weeks.

My suggestion to you is to set a boundary with your friend, telling him that you are clear with what your needs are and as such it is not a match. This is difficult but necessary as it will take you out of this triangle and allow you to move forward and see people that are going to meet your needs--------Completely. Your deserve this.

Sometimes, people in these situations can still be "friends" and continue a non- romantic friendship.

You want a romantic relationship and your friend is not yet ready to commit in this way and he is trying to figure himself out and be indirectly honest about this.

You have to pay attention and realize that you may have to move ahead with your life and look at this as a learning experience.

If you have additional questions for me, feel free to ask. I am happy to help.

Kindest regards, Bill

Please leave Positive Rating So that I receive credit for my time.

Thank you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Dear Bill;

 

Thank you. So you believe he is still trying to search to find his identity. So is he in denial or really he is straight. How can he be straight and be in such a sexual relationship o? How can he be in such a deep relationship and then say we are friends and then blame me for something he has started. Do you think he is just looking around to affirm he is straight , given that he has never had sex saying its for religious reasons, by the time he was doing it with me, I don't know the situation now by the way since he met this girl. All he has ever done was kiss a woman when he had sexual encounters with me. Please Don't worry about my emotional wellbeing in your reply because acknowledgment is first way to healing. I wanted to know what you think of the details.Please let me know the rest assured I am trying to move on bt still wait to see what going to come next.Cant understand straight men having relationships with gay.I wanted to know between the lines of what I have sent across what you believe as words that he has said might give an answer.

Expert:  Bill replied 1 year ago.
Hello Jacob-

I cannot say if your friend is "denial" of his true sexual orientation.

At this age, is most likely or he has a true bi-sexual orientation which for many men is very difficult to deal with as they truly have these opposing sexual yearning which make it even more complicated than for someone like yourself that is clear about your sexual orientation and easily able to talk about it.

This does not appear to be the case with your friend and it is a journey only he can take to completeLY understand his true sexual identity. Right now, my sense is that he has no consistently clear idea about this and "sexual encounters" with you are is probably the most he can tolerate at a psycho-sexual level. This is the way that many young men try and discover there sexuality.

I am glad that you can accept this as you are correct- Acknowledgment and clarity are essential in making a decision that is best for your emotional well being.

Always remember- Sexual orientation is only Aspect of who we are as people.......it is not our complete identity self.

I would talk openly with your friend about it and clarify your support as friends- however- I do not see any benefit from you in having sexual relationships with him unless you have a mutual understanding that his is nothing more than what it has been......."sexual encounters."

I trust this will help and wish you the very best.

Kindest regards, Bill
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

May I. Kindly have a phone consultation to discuss particulars please. thank u for your support much appreciated

Expert:  Bill replied 1 year ago.
Jacob-

Unfortunately- We do not provide telephone consultation- however, if there is something else you wish me to comment on, please respond and I will be happy to do so.

Kindest regards,

Bill
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


From what I understand you mean he still doesn't know what he wants?Do you think he will call again and when do you think I should lose hope of his call?If he truly loved me how can he just go out of the relationship as simple as that?What do you think is he thinking of right now, especially that I was in tears when he broke my heart and left?Do you think he will soon realize his true calling and get back? How long is the quest usually? what do you read in the words he said before leaving? what do u read in him telling someone about what happened, i.e. this friend whom I heard from about what he told him?

 

I can not understand why he left on 13 February and ever since not heard from him whats happening?

 

I know my questions are a lot but I need your help, god bless u

Expert:  Bill replied 1 year ago.
Jacob-
If he is not calling you - this is a sign that he has less interest in the relationship than you do.

Based on what you have written- I don't see your friend as someone ready to commit to a serious relationship with you or anyone .

This is why you have to acknowledge the reality---if do so by contact him and telling and asking him his honest intentions vs yours, then do it as soon as possible so you are not in a waiting mode. Take control and express yourself. It is the only way you will understand what is happening.

If he is not committal- then I encourage you to say good bye to this relationship and move one.

We never have all of the answers the "why" questions.

What follows are some hallmark tips that help know when it is time to break off a relationship:

Ways to Know if You Should Break It Off

Here are some ways to know if you should break it off.

  • You're no longer getting what you want or need from the relationship. Let's face it. If you're not happy, chances are your partner isn't either.
  • You can no longer communicate with your partner. Everyone has different communication styles, says Laurie Moore, Ph.D., author of Creative Intimacy and Choosing a Life Mate Wisely. "However, you don't want to spend all of your time in the relationship trying to communicate with each other. It's just too much work.
  • You no longer look forward to spending time alone with your partner. You may still have a good sex life, but you don't talk to your partner. You prefer to spend time with other people to avoid being alone together.
  • You criticize or micro-manage your partner. If you're always concerned with some aspect of your partner's personality or appearance, don't look at them — look at yourself. People who are in love overlook minor annoyances and see the bigger picture.
  • You compare your partner to others. When you love someone, you don't compare him or her to others. If you find yourself doing this, you should re-evaluate your relationship.
  • You try to change your partner. Often we fall in love with people who don't suit us. If you find that you're constantly trying to change your partner, it may be time to move on.
  • You don't laugh anymore. Humor is something that all relationships need. If you no longer find his jokes funny, or you can't have lighthearted conversations, it may be a sign that the relationship has lost its zing.
  • You're doing all the giving (or all the getting). Relationships are about mutual benefit. If one partner is benefiting over the other, the relationship is unhealthy.
  • Your friends no longer like being around you when you're with your partner. Your friends may like your partner, but they no longer like the affect your partner has on you. Dr. Northrup says when a relationship's not right, our friends tell us the truth and often are the first to see when a relationship turns sour.
  • You no longer feel good about yourself. Think about how it felt when you first fell in love with your partner. If this feeling is lacking, you may want to look at your relationship.
I trust this will help.

Kindest regards,

Bill
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Dear Bill;

 

I have taken your advise called him several times and didn't answer me.

 

I have sent him an email and expressed my pain. Expressed to him the great things I have given him. I have told him enough grieve and inflicting pain on me. I told him you know I have enough problems why do you ad to them. I told him I am broken, and told him I was never touched by anyone before I might have completed his desires but I have always touched, or hugged because I loved. I told him you took away my pride by doing so. I told him how god will hear your prayers I feel used.

 

He answered after half an hour and said:

 

I swear to god if you call or send me messages or ask about me or try to see me I will make you curse the day you were born, and I can go to jail after I kill you. He said I can accept everything but someone like you who is gay and in your way of thought fall in love with me and people talk of him as I am " he meant think he is gay". although no one knows I am publically. He said I resent I kissed you hugged you which are for a brother and friend, not dirty like me and he can not believe how I turned to be like this. he said one advise if you can not forget me kill yourself or I will kill you.

 

Please explain to me how can he do all this with me and suddenly say all these things. Is this denial or what I read about SMSM or is he really bisexual or gay but doesn't want to say. Where is this anger from, how can he say we are friends or brothers? after that I answered that no problem he can kill me as he killed me already I told him I am not dirty because I opened my heart without thinking of desires, I opened my heart has been a mother, a brother and a father when you needed me. and this is biggest reason why I am clean as a child. I told him at least leave a good memory I told him I am sad because he didn't share with me what makes him happy i.e. the relationship he says he is having. I told him there is so much to relations that I would have wanted him to share his happiness with me. I just ask if he was nt sexualy attracted to me why did he try to touch me when a woman is already available what is this fantasy, what is this anger, what is his perception of all that happened. Why he suddenly is acting like this and staying around with that girl. I am lost totally is it possible that he needs time to think. We shared a lot of good memories and I helped him a lot. He didn't answer me. I am totally confused. Please help and tell me simple and clear whats the issue, is he a pervert, what is this, and why is he trying an effort he even put a picture of a heart on his phone, is he fooling himself and flirting with the girl for affirmation or is he lost. Please need closure. He used to be very close to me then he changed.

Do you think he truly hates me now, how was this born in three days after years of love. I know he is usally an angry person, but whats wrong. I am overwhelmed. Please need to understand rather than get advise for coping. By the way your help so far has been great

 

Expert:  Bill replied 1 year ago.
Jacob

I have received you message and will respond I within a couple hours. I am currently at a meeting.
Will respond Asap.

Best, Bill
Expert:  Bill replied 1 year ago.
Jacob-

Respect this persons wishes without second thought.

Sometimes we do not know the exact intentions of another person- my guess is that he is overwhelmed with a feeling of panic related to his sexuality- however- he is telling you in clear terms that he is not wanting to pursue a relationship with you.

You may never know why- but you have asked and he has told you to stay away. This, again, you should respect.

This is a loss that you must accept. Albeit sad, it is important that you now -------move forward with this life lesson.

Kind regards, Bill

Please leave Positive Rating so that I receive Credit for my time.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

what I hear is so sad. I understand that you always give me answers that will make me cope with the situation irrespective of what might happen next. So you believe I must move on and respect his feelings, but don't you ever predict later action, i.e. is there any chance he might change his mind later, any chance ever after what you heard in details.

 

how can he suddenly panic when he was already living his sexuality with me. Totally condused do u believe in rage he truly meant it or also there might be chance he can think over later

 

do u think h ever loved me and do you believe he has hated me in 3 days. Do u think he has a platonic affection to that girl and now he is trying to believe he is strictly straight is their any real emotion from what u heard or just a false denial but trying hard to convince himself how can u ask someone to kill himself or feel u wanna kill him I can understand where the hate comes from, do you think he has any pain can he think of anything good about me now, is he in thinking mode any feeling of nostalgia.

 

Do you think he is thinking of me during his relation with this girl any chance his heart is here, do u think by any chance he is really straight

Expert:  Bill replied 1 year ago.
Jacob-

We don't always understand why people make decisions the way they do.

I don't see him reversing his decision.

Many people who are closeted (gay, bi, or who are undecided) and fear they are going to be "outed" respond with panic and threats- as your friend did. This is what is most likely happening although it is impossible for me to know as I do not know him.

The point is you have to move on and respect his choice. There is no "crystal ball" to anticipate what may happen. All we can do is respond to what we know in the "now"

Remember, your words from "acknowledgment is first way to healing."


Kind regards,

Bill

I appreciate your Positive Rating so that I Receive Credit for my time.,

Thank you.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Thank you bill.

 

I have one last question is it possible he is straight really.

 

Do you think he really hates me now or he is just trying to fool himself. Do you think deep inside he has love for me.

 

Do you believe he will fail in this relation and then realize the truth and maybe come back even after a long time.

 

Any chance of such a thing. Why do you think he told that person about our relationship and that I am in love with him.

 

What do you think is the type of relationship he has now with this girl, is it possible he can sleep with her and not think of me and detach from our two years together and our sexual encounters.

 

Do you think he is only making out " kissing" with her and fooling her and himself especially that when he came to bed after sleeping that day in her house came to touch me in bed second day. I believe he touched me in bed because he preferred me then. What do you think

 

And on my mind always does he really regret kissing me and cuddling me as he said. That painful to hear.

 

And also if he loves me as I believed, can he step on his emotions only for the sake of fear and panic which you have said.

 

Why do you believe as per your last reply that he wont ever come back, doesn't the heart one day control the mind and what is rational to do.

 

 

 

Expert:  Bill replied 1 year ago.
Jacob-

This is about 10 questions.

I cannot continue in this process of ongoing email back and forth. I have answered many questions. Obviously you have many more and my suggestion is that you get a therapist to work through this. It is obviously more complex for you and you should would best benefit from talking to someone face to face.

It would only be speculation on my part as to why your friend has chosen to do what he has done.

I feel I have gone above and beyond to try and clarify that this relationship is over and you have to accept this.,

I trust you understand. This forum is JUSTANSWER not ongoing Question and Answer.

Kindest regards,

Bill

I appreciate your Accept so that I receive compensation for the time I have devoted to helping you with this.

If you want to re-list a new question and increase your deposit, you can repost and myself or another expert can help you.

Thank you .

Bill, LCSW, Consultant, Expert Witness
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3705
Experience: 35 years treating individuals, couples, families with mental health and substance abuse prob's
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