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Bill
Bill, LCSW, Consultant, Expert Witness
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3705
Experience:  35 years treating individuals, couples, families with mental health and substance abuse prob's
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Boyfriend is moving to Chicago, and wishes to inform the boys

Resolved Question:

Boyfriend is moving to Chicago, and wishes to inform the boys (11, 8, and 6) now. I'm not sure how the children will react even if they are resilent. I'm concerned that this may have an adverse effect on their schooling. They are all A students. The move is not happening until August/September of this year. Please help.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Bill replied 1 year ago.

Bill :

Hello- Thank you for asking the question. I have over 30 years of experience working with individuals, couples and families & am happy to reply.

Bill :

I am happy to help with this- are you able to chat now?

Customer:

yes, but I'm at work....

Bill :

Okay-

Bill :

Why does he feel need to tell them now about the move?

Customer:

we are a blended family. he hopes to take his son with him if ex wife approves

Customer:

because there's tension in the air, and he will not lie to kids if they ask.

Bill :

I understand-

Customer:

i'm not ready to tell my boys, and if his son knows then he can't help himself by spilling the beans

Customer:

his ex would like to wait until school finishes as well.

Bill :

The best way to handle this is for him to talk to his the school guidance staff and ascertain based on their knowledge of the children what would be best.

Bill :

I have worked with many families in these situations and I would postpone telling them until later in the Spring.

Customer:

that's what i've asked him to do, and he postures and says I know best, XXXXX XXXXX dont' trust me.

Customer:

ok, i'm gonna continue down the path that I know is best for all 3 boys, and will reach out to his ex as well as mine, and hopefully we can reach his mind

Customer:

thank you

Bill :

At their ages they will do well and there is no reason to have them focused on this now.,

Bill :

Get support from the school on this- it may help him understand.

Customer:

it's 6 months away, and we're afraid that this will be all they talk about, and whether or not affected by it, they will go through the grief stages since all 3 boys enjoy each other.

Bill :

I would not worry to much about complicated grief with children of this age------they will adapt to the reality but there is no rush to telling them now- I concur that you should wait until the end of the school year.

Customer:

anything else?

Bill :

The anxiety of the parents is much different than what you might anticipate for the boys...........

Customer:

LOL - so true :)

Bill :

Parents have to be aligned or it will be more difficult.

Customer:

and until we are, we should wait, there's no rush.

Customer:

boys will have many questions, and while we won't have all the answers...i'd rather we be in sync.

Bill :

Kids will follow stability without significant distress-- the distress of the parents is what is projected onto the children- Avoid this and they should do fine. YOU ARE CORRECT.

Bill :

IF you don't know the answer- You don't know and you can tell a child this and let them know when you do know you will tell them etc.

Customer:

we are going to experience some negativity from ex parents since they moved down here to be with the kids, not mine, his. and my boyfriend is under this impression as well, yet is so willing to move forward, and i can't help but wonder the effects on school, or the pressure from ex's parents. it seems in my opinion, quite stressfule

Bill :

HONESTY is the best policy as long as it is delivered consistently from all adults

Customer:

Bill,

Bill :

It is stressful - just try- to avoid projecting this onto the children

Bill :

Yes

Customer:

thank you, XXXXX XXXXX believe we are on the right track, and that we need to seek out the school counselors.

Bill :

You are most welcome- and correct- Good Luck.

Bill :

Have a nice day.

Customer:

You do the same

Bill :

Please leave positive rating so that I receive Credit for my time

Bill :

You will have a complete copy of this chat in email to share with whomever.

Customer:

ok, thank you! I'll be forwarding it on to the remaining 3 adults.

Bill, LCSW, Consultant, Expert Witness
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3705
Experience: 35 years treating individuals, couples, families with mental health and substance abuse prob's
Bill and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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