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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience:  Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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I have had a few serious relationships. All of my boyfriends

Customer Question

I have had a few serious relationships. All of my boyfriends told me that they loved me, even in high school. When I was 16, I had my first boyfriend who ended up cheating on me more than once. When I was almost 18, I started dating someone who was very sweet to me but would never make me his girlfriend. He also ended up cheating on me. After high school, I started dating someone else who I grew very close with. I know that he loved me and I miss the feeling of the love that I felt from him sometimes. I ended up breaking up with him because he had some personal issues that I couldn't tolerate anymore, and tried my best to help him get over them but couldn't. I dated someone else shortly after, not because I wanted to date someone right away, but because he sought out me. At first everything with him was like a dream, and then I learned some things about him that I didn't know. He had a child with someone that he cheated on his ex-girlfriend with. I broke up with him for reasons beyond that he kept something from me. I am now with my current boyfriend and have been with him for about a year. He is very kind and good to me. He has a past that I can't seem to get over no matter how hard I try. He is always telling me how I start fights over nothing, and don't trust him. We have gotten into some really bad fights, and it still always comes down to how I have done something wrong. My exboyfriend used to tell me the same thing. I have the worst self-esteem and am aware of that. I try my best in college and have a good GPA. I started taking diet pills a few months ago, and my my boyfriend knew that and was fine with it. As manipulative and stupid as it was, I was hoping that by me telling him that, he would say that I shouldn't take them. I have learned to see that I am very needy, and I am slowly turning into someone that I don't know anymore. I often ask my boyfriend why he loves me, not because I need to hear it, but because I don't understand why. In school and work, I appear very friendly and confident. But I truly feel terrible about myself. I went to see someone about changing my birth control because my hope was that my birth control was affecting me badly. She told me that she didn't think it was that, and that I need to talk to a professional. I haven't made the time to do so. My parents are supportive of me seeing a therapist because I have in the past when I was a child. Since then, I have always been the one who was able to stand my ground in my family. My brothers have had ongoing substance abuse problems, and I have always done pretty well for myself. I am constantly fearful that I will become depressed, because it runs in my family. I know that a lot of college students go through these same things. My boyfriend doesn't think I need to see a therapist. He knows that I am strong and can get through a lot, because I have gotten through terrible things as a child. Why do I constantly start fights? Am I worthy of having a boyfriend who has stuck through my arguments so much? He has broken up with me twice before because he said that it just seemed like I wanted him to. I get so mad at myself for this. It seems like every time I do well in something, something else goes terrible. I work in a hospital and am a full time student finishing up my nursing pre-req's. I am in the process of buying a house. I know that these are stressful things, but I have always done well with stress. My boyfriend is now telling me that I can't handle stress, that I can't handle work and school. He told me that maybe I should just think about going to a tech school. I know he is trying to help me, but these things are just making me feel even lower.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I would like to help you with your question.

Dr. L :

It seems to me that you have many positives in your life...good grades, money to buy a house, a future as a nurse, a supportive family, and a boyfriend. Can you tell me more about why you feel terrible about yourself?

Dr. L :

Anger is often about expectations that are not met or about hurt feelings. Could this be true?

Dr. L :

Birth control can be a contributing factor to depression depending on the type of pills you are taking. And if you are taking an over the counter diet pill...that may be an issue as well.

Dr. L :

Please give me a little more information about what you are feeling...whether the negativity you feel towards yourself is about expectations or wounds....

Dr. L :

I see you are offline...when you come online I will be notified.

Customer:

I got logged off. It seems to be working now..

Dr. L :

Hi,

Dr. L :

Any ideas on why you are so down on yourself?

Dr. L :

As a college student...stress is part of your every day...right? I'm not sure why your bf suggested tech school...

Customer:

I think that it has to do with my expectations for myself and wounds from the past. I have always been somewhat of a perfectionist. I grew up doing Ballet and playing the piano. Both of my instructors were very strict with me. I did well but I think this sort of began a constant "i'm not doing this right" thing...I'm not sure exactly

Dr. L :

That makes sense to me.

Customer:

My boyfriend suggested that because he feels like I take my stress out on him too often. Which is most likely true.

Dr. L :

The model that you formed about life was...that I am never good enough...I have to try harder...be better..and need to always be chasing some dream.

Customer:

Yes. And this makes me mad at myself because I feel like I have no reason to feel that way because I have had a very good support system from early on in my life. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me, that I'm being uncontrollably selfish.

Dr. L :

And sure...that likely is true...he's the easy target because he is the closest to you and you likely feel he is the safest person to be angry with.

Dr. L :

NO...nothing is wrong with you! It's about the map that you have used to guide our life. Think about it this way...this map got formed when you were younger, when you followed your teachers to the letter, when they had all this power over you. Now...as an adult...you can see that you have other choices...that you can decide your own future...and that you are mature enough to decide what is best for you.

Dr. L :

*your life.

Dr. L :

So it is a matter of shifting your thinking....of accepting that in the past you were a child that followed the rules...and that now..as an adult..you can make other choices.

Dr. L :

So...there is no need to be angry at yourself. What you can do now is to make your own map!!!

Dr. L :

How does that sound?

Customer:

It sounds correct to me in every way. I just feel like I can't gain full control of myself anymore. A lot of people have told me "you're just becoming an adult" which is probably true. But I have classmates that are juggling way more than I am, and with no support system and they continue to be so positive. I used to be that sort of positive person who was thankful. And now I'm just constantly negative. My mom calls me all of the time to wonder if I'm eating and how I'm doing with school. And on days when I have plenty of time to get something done, I end up just taking a nap. I'm SO tired for no reason. I don't know how to change my thinking...

Dr. L :

Becoming an adult is tough work...really. I can understand why you compare yourself to other classmates...but please don't do this as it's just not helpful.Everyone's life is complicated...and it's always easy to see someone else as having it tougher than you...but your challenges are your challenges.

Customer:

Yeah i just feel like I should be farther than I am

Dr. L :

Maybe the truth is that you are bit burned out right now. It's February...you have 3 more months of schooling before summer break. Depending on where you live, the weather could be bleak..the sun hardly shining.

Dr. L :

Is this your senior year?

Dr. L :

Or do you have another year of schooling ahead of you?

Customer:

I had to "learn" how to go to college. I failed my fair share of classes and then I decided to buckle down. I'm doing well now...I have one more year before I'm able to transfer to a nursing program. I should begin to start applying in fall...

Dr. L :

Join the club about learning how to go to college! Most kids are just not prepared for the academic realities of college....

Dr. L :

The good news here is that you did buckle down! And that you have a decent GPA. And even more importantly...that you have a goal!

Dr. L :

Cool!

Dr. L :

The thing about trying to measure yourself against others...is that it just isn't fair.

Dr. L :

You are where you are. Sure you could be further along. But you could also be further behind.

Dr. L :

So accept that this is where you are. And that you have many good things in your life.

Dr. L :

Would you say that you feel depressed? Or is more feeling burned out and tired?

Dr. L :

Has this "tired" feeling been going on long? How much does it worry you? Worry you enough to be seen at the counseling center for an evaluation?

Customer:

I can't really tell one from the other to be honest

Customer:

Yeah I have considered going to a counseling center. It's just awkward because everyone around me thinks that I don't need it.

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience: Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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