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Ryan LCSW, Mental Health
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience:  Individual and Family Therapist
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I have been in a relationship for 7 years and married for 2

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I have been in a relationship for 7 years and married for 2 of those years. from the first time we moved in, i have been up and down feeling unhappy. reasons for this is, my partner who has been very supportive can be quite over powering and opinionated which makes me feel frustrated. also our sex life was never very good and his sex drive is very small. i have on many occasions talked to him about this but no matter how mnay times i try, his answers are usually because the kids leave the lights on or he cant relax etc. he is a workoholic and in his spare time he races when he can. our precious time is spent with him watching repeats on tv or him talking about work or moaning about the kids. we do not have much in common really, and we are not very socialable, i find my confidence has grwon through work rather than with him. problem is, i have on many occasions threatened to leave and even looked for a house to move to, but after a while i back down for many reasons, fear money worrying in case i regret it etc. after a very long time i did manage to get a house and each month i am furnishing it until july when i can move in, but even now i am having doubts. i worry why i am always so up and down about leaving him. when he loving and kind it does make my leaving worse but as soon as he starts on me about something i do wrong, i am happy about leaving.
Thanks for your question. My name is XXXXX XXXXX I'd like to help you out.

Even though you seem reasonably confident about leaving, it's only natural to still have some doubts. You've obviously spent a significant amount of time trying to make this relationship work despite your differences. Up until now it sounds like there are some fears that held you back from moving out, but starting to furnish a place of your own is a big step in that direction. Unfortunately I don't think you're ever going to get that feeling that you're 100% confident in your decision, especially because it sounds like you really wanted to make this relationship work, and it's only natural to have some lingering doubts.

It does sound like you've been contemplating moving out for a long time now. As the time gets closer it may become even more and more difficult. However, if you get the feeling that the problems you mentioned aren't going to go away, then it may at least be worth moving out on a trial basis. That may help you to see how you feel and whether getting some space from the situation allows you to feel more or less comfortable with your decision. Overall it is hard to make a relationship work if you don't have anything in common. Even if he is loving and kind at times, if the problems are going to remain, it may still be best to continue to move forward with moving out.

I definitely wish you the best with all of this, and if there's anything else I can do to help please let me know.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I have suffered with depression with him and when i was taking medication the problems seemed less, he told me that maybe i am just somone who suffers depression. When you have been with someone for a while, you do feel easily influenced. I came off the tablets and now get that sinking feeling but when I am with my children, i feel happy, it seems only when I am with him i feel like this. I just wish I was not always up and down, i always question myself.

I can understand your frustration about always questioning yourself and being up and down. It is possible that you are suffering from some depression, but the fact that it is only with him would generally be a sign that it is situational rather than you being a person who chronically suffers from depression. I agree that being with someone for a long time gives them a lot of influence, which naturally makes this a decision that is easy to second guess. To some extent it sounds like staying will cause you to continue to question yourself, and it may be that the only way to put this issue to rest is to move out and see for yourself how you feel in that environment. At that point you may have a much easier time figuring out how much depression is contributing to this, and how you feel about your relationship once you're able to see everything from a different perspective. Hang in there,

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