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Ryan LCSW
Ryan LCSW, Mental Health
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience:  Individual and Family Therapist
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I need help! I just got married, Ive been with the same person for 7 years. About 6

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I need help! I just got married, I've been with the same person for 7 years. About 6 month's ago I caught him looking in the bathroom at my roomate while she was taking shower. I thought it was disgusting but all my guys firends told me guys do stupid things, he said he was sorry it was wrong and he would never do it again. Then this Sunday at 4:45 in the morning my sister was sleeping on a mattress next to us and while she was asleep, he put his hands on her butt and she woke up and freaked out. He says he has no idea why he did it and I don't know what to do! He's never done wnything like this before. My sister has stayed the night plenty of times and he's never touched her. Those are two things that have happened within the past 6 months. My sister is hurt she's 23. I'm hurt and he's been breaking down and says he took it too far. Please help me!

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.

Thanks for your question.


I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through with your husband, and can certainly understand your concerns. It is unnerving that he would attempt to spy on your roommate, but at the same time if that was an isolated incident then it may not be anything to be overly concerned about. However, him putting his hands on your sister's butt is obviously extremely inappropriate and crosses the line in a much more serious way.

On the one hand it's a good thing that he is very upset with himself about this and understands that he took things too far. If he made excuses for himself like he did with the shower incident, that would be a lot more troubling. However, if these two incidents are the result of some personal problem that he doesn't feel like he has control over, it's important that he figures out exactly what is going on here. He may be completely dedicated to you, but if he doesn't have control over himself that is obviously going to continue to cause problems.

I wouldn't automatically assume that this is a sign that your relationship is struggling, but it does seem apparent that your husband needs to figure out what the problem is in order for your relationship to function properly. If he seems genuinely remorseful and committed to earning your trust back, that is definitely a positive sign that his mind is in the right place. If you or him are personally finding it hard to move past this point, that is where marriage counseling may be very helpful in getting to the bottom of this issue.

I definitely wish you the best with all of this, and if there's anything else I can do to help please let me know.

Ryan
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I feel like I want to work it out, but at the same time I'm afraid I don't know if I am doing something wrong trying to get him help. I'm afraid that it will hurt my sister if I stay with him but I feel like there's something wrong with him. I want to help him because I love him for him but the things he's doing are weird and I don't know how to react. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place right now. I love my sister so much and I don't want to hurt her. They were very close. I'm afraid that there is something mentally wrong with him and I can't pin point it. I don't want to feel like I don't know him bc and I feel like I want to work it out but my sister feels violated. I'm afraid of my whole family knowing what happened. My parents love him like a son. Do you feel like there is a way he can fix it if he's willing? Are there mental illnesses for when someone does these sorts of things?

Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.
It's definitely a difficult position to be in, and I know what you mean about the desire to respect your sister but at the same time help him out. I wouldn't assume that he has a mental illness unless there are other things that have happened that would also lead you to believe this. However, either way it does sound like a serious problem that needs to be addressed, especially since it affects your ability to trust him.

I do think it's possible to fix this, but it does depend on him being willing to put in the effort. It may help to have a conversation with your sister in order to figure out how she feels and whether she is willing to give him another chance if he gets some help for himself. He may also need to talk to her. His actions have caused a lot of hurt feelings, and it is important that he goes through counseling or finds a way to get to the bottom of this in order to ensure that other incidents don't occur in the future. You have a lot of legitimate concerns, and it may be hard to make a decision right now about whether or not it is possible to fix this relationship. However, if you are able to go to marriage counseling with him, that may show you that he is dedicated, and also help you to confirm whether or not this will work. Hang in there,

Ryan
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

In the first email I wrote you he did make excuses at first saying there was a cricket on her he was trying to remove but then confessed that there wasn't a cricket at all! You said it would be more troubling in the sense that he lied to me or made up excuses. Is it normal for guys to do things like this? We have had relatioship issues. I was pregnant at 19 and was too sick to have a baby. I was rushed to the emergency room 3 times. It was on accident and ever since then I haven't been very sexual. He complains about it all the time. I don't know if I could have triggered this but i don't want to blame myself because I feel people go through rough situations all the time and don't do what he did.

Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.
It is troubling that he lied about it at first, but it is still encouraging that he is willing to take responsibility for his actions and isn't continuing to make excuses for himself. This is not something that would be acceptable in most relationships, and it is not something that should be considered normal. If the problem is that there hasn't been a lot of sex in your relationship lately, that is a problem that he needs to work out with you rather than resort to this type of behavior. No matter what his reasoning is, there really isn't an excuse for him to put his hands on your sister or anyone else.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I agree with you! I've always looked at people in my current situation and thought why would anyone stay with someone who does those sorts of things. Now I'm the one in their shoes questioning myself. I don't want to be the girl who married the monster. I don't think he's quite a monster yet but I'm scared that if he's doing these things what other things could he do? He told me in the beginning of our relationship that sex wasn't an issue with him, all he needed was me. We were friends in highschool and dated after because I was in another relationship at the time. Our lease on our house was up in March and we are suppose to move in with my parents because they have a 5 bedroom house and wanted us to save money so we could buy! My sister just broke up with her boyfriend of 5 years so she was staying with us and we all had plans to move into our parents house to save money. She wants to travel and we want to buy a home. Now I have no idea what i'm going to do!

Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.
It's definitely a tough position to be in. He may still be a great guy in many ways, and sometimes good people make mistakes and do things that they regret. I wouldn't assume that he is a monster as a result of all of this, but at the same time it may be tough for you to look at him in the same way until that level of trust is built up again.

Since this past incident happened so recently I wouldn't put any pressure on yourself to figure out what to do right now. It may be best to allow this to settle for a few days and see how you are feeling once you've had a little more time to think about things and see how he reacts. I would think that you'll be able to tell a lot by the way he responds to all of this, and that may ultimately help you decide how you want to handle this. All the best,

Ryan
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank You for all your help! I will take a few days to think about it. This is not going to be easy at all! I am stressed, tired, and I haven't been able to eat all day. I greatly appreciate you getting back to me so quicklySmile I hope my life can eventually fall back into place. This has definitely been a huge set back. You did help me answer a lot of questions I had. Thank You again

Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.
I'm glad I could help :) If you wouldn't mind leaving me a positive review I'd really appreciate it. Hopefully it doesn't get any more difficult than this. I would think that as the next few days go by you'll have a much better idea of how you're going to handle all of this, and you'll eventually start to feel like yourself again as this has more time to sink in. It may be a setback, but if this a problem that was going to surface at some point anyway, it is better to deal with it now rather than when your lives are even more established together. Hang in there and good luck with it all,

Ryan
Ryan LCSW, Mental Health
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience: Individual and Family Therapist
Ryan LCSW and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


I will, Thank You!

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