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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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My son has NDP. His wife recently left him and he stated seeing

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My son has NDP. His wife recently left him and he stated seeing a doctor about his disorder. He feeds off my husband for large sums of money and my husband has given up his truck for this son to get to work. Imagine that! Everyone in my family has broken ties with my son. My husband totaly refuses to stop helping him and states everyone is out to step on him and they enjoy watching him suffer. My husband also fears our son will break if he stops feeding him. I love my son but I want nothing to do with all his lies etc. I am very hurt over all the damage he causes. My question is should I cut ties with my son and leave my husband with his choices or should I ask my husband.....we both cut ties together at once. Also, it seems most facts I have read blames the mother for being the narcissist . my son now blames me for all his horrible life and his dad can do no wrong. If I am the one who caused this I want to know so I can put the puzzle together. How can I know?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.

Hi! I'll be glad to be of help with this issue.

I can imagine how distressing, frustrating and heartbreaking this situation must be for you. You are clearly a loving and caring mother and wife. That everyone in the family has cut ties with your son is indicative of his diagnosis of NPD. That your husband can't bring himself to deal with your and his son's personality disorder in a healthy and helpful way does indeed add to the problem and to the heartache.

I am asked so many questions and I deal with personality disorders in my private practice continually. But when it's a parent asking about NPD in their children, it is the most heartbreaking of situations. I'm working in therapy right now with parents of a young man, younger than your son, who is only recently diagnosed with NPD. He's younger than your son and hasn't burned as many family bridges as your son has. But the heartache is there and the parents are having a very rough time.

That they are united is a blessing for the two of them. They can give each other support. And that's vital to get through this. By getting through this I don't want to imply that it is a disorder that will clear up or be "cured" soon or easily. It won't. Personality disorders don't work that way. And NPD sufferers rarely stay in therapy long enough to actually work on the deep lifelong problems they would need to in order to get truly better.

And this is what your husband must come to realize: that with NPD, using people is a way of life. And when people allow themselves to be used, then it only strengthens your son's disorder. People aren't being cruel, mean, or selfish, or nasty when they cut off ties with your son. Cutting off ties is not something most people do in our country. When there is more than one person who has cut off ties, this is a very, very conclusive piece of evidence that the source of the problem is in your son, not in those people.

I hope your husband will be willing to read this that I have just written and the rest of my answer because it is so important. Again, I can't say it will make the big difference in your son staying with the treatment for the years it will take simply because your husband has cut the purse strings and is showing he won't be used any longer and he sees through your son's veneer. But it will send the message to your son that he does indeed need to deal with his problems, not blame others. Then you two can at least support each other in your hopes and prayers that your son will realize that blaming others is not the way to success in life.

And this gets us to the most heartbreaking question you pose: are you as the mother responsible for his NPD. The psychological literature today draws a strong connection between NPD formation and the bonding with the mother (as primary caretaker) or lack of bonding with the mother. Too strong an attachment or too weak an attachment is believed integral to the formation of NPD. However, that is not an automatic. Having too high blood sugar means diabetes or pre-diabetes. That's automatic. But with NPD, it's not automatic; and we don't know what are the triggers. We just don't know.

So, I'm not trying to pass on your question. I'm being as honest as I can be: it's heartbreaking because there's a connection between NPD and "mother". But it isn't the cause of NPD by itself. And we don't have reliable statistics on how many NPD cases may be there where the relationship with the mother may have been "normal". That's because people with NPD don't usually come forward and accept their diagnosis. They usually blame everyone else for their problems.

So, please don't spend time on the question of your role. You and your husband need to consider your own therapy/counseling to help you learn to support each other through this. That would be much more helpful.

Okay, I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5087
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
Dr. Mark and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Dr. Mark.


You certainly know your job well and I thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. I need more help. Would it be alright if I send you a short story about our lives? I feel you can be more direct with all of us has a loving family who have been through so much pain.

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
You're welcome to share what you think will help. It will help me to have you ask specific questions, though, that what you're sharing is intended to help me answer. Okay?


Dr. Mark
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Ok
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

 


The Child of Pleasure


I am a Christian mother of a son and I feel very strongly that he is a narcissist.


I had an affair when my husband and I separated and came back into the marriage unknowing I was pregnant by another man. After starting marriage counselling, I realized I was having another man's child. My husband who felt the "sting" of abandonment took me back. This child was overly loveable to the point that my husband captured him from me. They had a great bond together and it developed deeply during hockey when the child was three years old. You see my husband’s pain caused him to reject my love and he wrapped himself into this child. Because of myself being rejected in the marriage I too leaned on the child to fulfill my love. We also had two other children before this child was born. The oldest a son which was in hockey before the special child was born but was very poor at the sport, plus poor at other things and this son became fearful of his own father’s expectations and is now suffering from his father’s rejection, but first born is very successful in the world with great character. The second child a daughter grew into a beautiful strong Christian woman with a loving heart.


Because of shame we kept the child a secret from everyone for twenty seven years. Then, because of a bad situation we had to tell the child that he was illegitimate. The day we told him the child seemed he was set free, the father stopped tormenting me, and I was no longer in bondage. The mental abuse ended with my husband but he was left to deal with his guilt which he exchanged for drinking heavily.


Our child of pleasure got married eleven years ago. After all the lies, cheating, drugs, and too many other horrible things to mention his wife left him. She was a basket case. His wife and I became very close over the years and my daughter did too. My son kept trying to end the relation between me and his wife and was very jealous over me and my daughter’s relationship.


Two years ago I came across the word Narcissistic Personality. I continued to read and search every detail on this subject. I told my daughter in law that I think my son has NDP. She didn’t want to accept this and went into denial only to leave him two years later for good.


He financially feeds off my husband heavily to the point my husband handed his truck over to him to get back and forth to work etc.? My husband has this great fear that this son will take his own life or have a mental breakdown. My husband feels everyone likes to step on his son and enjoy doing it. He feels he is the only one left to save him. We fight all the time over this and we are now sleeping in separate rooms. My son has taken us for $23,000.00 when he told lies to my husband in order to buy cocaine, and my husband believed his lies. He give our son money without informing me and he still continues to destroy us by not paying us rent .


He stole my eldest son’s credit card to pay one of his debts along with my husband’s credit card to pay for his business.


He accused my daughter’s son of stealing Tylenol 3 out of my husband’s meds drawer which exploded into a major fight and ended many relations.


My older son and daughter both have cut ties with him. Too much pain and lies and self-love.


I want to cut ties with him because of all the hurt he brought to his wife and my grand-children. It almost destroyed me to see my daughter-in law in so much pain along with their two children.


After my daughter-in law left him, he became disarmed, weak, and started going to a doctor who deals in NDP.


My son has not admitted he has this personality but he is blaming me not my husband for his messed up lifestyle because of the lie. The secret. Of being an illegitimate child.


My son is asking me to attend a meeting put on by him with his biological father and myself. He is saying I owe him this to make him complete.


After all this...here is my question.


Should my husband and I cut complete ties with my son having NO relationship with him?


Do I attend this meeting with his biological father which my son is in full control of and states he needs it for his healing? (My husband is totally against it me ever seeing this man again.)


Because my son is in therapy he text’s me questions and wants answers. Should we not all be in therapy together and of course my son continue his separately and with us?


You can see I’m tired and confuses.


 


 


 

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
Let me first answer the more pressing question:


I do not think you should attend the meeting with the father. This does not sound productive but only that it will lead to further pain, damage, and perhaps misery. I believe your husband is right.


Now, the longer term question is whether to cut off contact. I believe that this is something that can only be answered in counseling/therapy for you and your husband. As I wrote above, this is vital for the two of you.


Your story is very painful and sheds light on your pain as there was so much dysfunction during those formative years when NPD is believed to be in formation. I'm so sorry you and your husband have gone through all this tremendous suffering.


But long term, you cannot decide to cut off contact without having counseling for the two of you to work on your relationship together and how to support each other. At this time, it would be most beneficial if you cut off any financial contact with your son. See the difference? Do not be enablers. This will be very hard for your husband and even by itself, it will mean very possibly that your son may choose to try to punish you two by cutting off contact with you for periods of time, making contact only to see if you've given in and will give him money and things.


So this can be very useful for the two of you to do as you seek a therapist and begin working in counseling and then make the longer term decisions you need to. So those are the answer. Thank you so much for sharing these painful parts of the story. I can tell how difficult it is for you and it was very brave on your part.



I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

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