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Ryan LCSW
Ryan LCSW, Mental Health
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience:  Individual and Family Therapist
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My husband and I have been together for 13 yrs now, about 6

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My husband and I have been together for 13 yrs now, about 6 yrs ago he wanted to experiment in our sex life. first it was him being controled and tied up. I tried this but I told him it really didnt work for me. He didnt seem to care and just wanted to try more things. In the end it got out of hand with me trying to please him and he always wanted more. (he always wanted me to abuse him and use toys on him, plus he tried to bring other woman into the mix). I never enjoyed this kind of sex and told him that many times in many ways, but he never listened. After 2 yrs of this we moved and I put a stop to it. However, I dont feel the same anymore about our sex life. its was never great but it was ok. Now however I feel unable to please him. everytime we have sex I think he wants something more then me and vanilla sex. He has tried to be more loving but its still lacking in many ways.
he also drinks to much and has become self-centered and self-rightous. we have moved agian, because he could get along in the last town we lived in. Lost a few jobs and was always upset with someone. He moved away in less then a day, and now expects me to follow him.
I wonder if I can ever get over the sex thing now, because I have no desire at all to sleep with him. I also dont know if I should follow him and try to save my marriage or if this is a lossing battle. he tells me that he will be different in the new town and he not drinking so much. I just dont know if that even matters now because I feel so unable to connect with him in any way.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.
Thanks for your question.

I'm sorry to hear about what you've been going through with your husband. While it may be possible for the two of you to eventually work through this, it does sound like this is at a point where it is worth considering alternative options. The problems may have started with the sex, but it sounds like you've also identified several other ways that his personality has changed that you aren't happy with and that are affecting your relationship. He may be drinking less now, but unless he acknowledges and is willing to work on some of these other issues you've mentioned, it may continue to be an uphill battle.

If you feel like there is no end in sight to this, it may be worth at least considering a trial separation or taking some time prior to deciding whether or not to follow him. There is also this feeling of being unable to please him, and if there is some truth to that, it is only natural to get frustrated. That may not be a problem that goes away if he feels that he needs that kind of sex to be happy. If the decision is to follow him, it would seem that some type of marriage counseling or alternative approach to these problems is important so that you can start figuring out whether it is possible for you to be happy and connect again. While he may have good intentions in getting a fresh start and cutting back on his drinking, there are severl other things that you mentioned here that also need to be addressed in order for this relationship to work.

I definitely wish you the best with all of this, and if there's anything else I can do to help please let me know.

Ryan
Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.
Hey there, I never heard back from you so I hope that I was able to help you out. If there's anything else I can do to help just let me know, otherwise if you wouldn't mind leaving me a positive review for my time I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.

Ryan
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

After almost 13 yrs I feel I should try harder, but I also feel at this point there is no going back. I feel like I am in limbo. He has promised to do or try anything to save our marriage, but I still see many of the same behaviors as before. I also feel like this is my fault for allowing some of this to go on and now expecting something different. He is a good provider and a decent husband in many ways, but I find that I don't have much in common with him or agree with him about many things. I know that marriages have lots of problems over the years and I guess I just keep waiting for things to come back to the way the were before. But I know I am tainted by some of this and I don't really look at him as the same man I did before. Does this sound like a normal thing for a marriage ofn13 yrs and if I wait, will these feeling fade? I know your not supposed to live a life based on feeling.

Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.
If there are things you have in mind that you can do to try harder that would help you to be more at peace with the decision you make, there is certainly nothing wrong with that. However, it does sound like you did your best to express how you felt about a lot of your concerns, and often your feelings weren't heard or taken as seriously as then needed to be in order for you to be happy in this relationship. I'm also not sure it's fair to blame yourself for experimenting and pushing your comfort zone in an attempt to make your husband happy and your relationship better. If you tried things and didn't like it, then at least you can say that you tried and made an informed decision.

Your husband may be a great guy in many ways, but if the feeling isn't there or you don't see him in the same way, that's not necessarily something that will just come back unless at least some of these fundamental issues are resolved. If you decide to try and work on the relationship together, it will more likely take a proactive approach for the best chance of making it work, rather than just hoping that these feelings will fade. Being in limbo is tough, and sometimes in that situation going to counseling together now can be a big help in confirming whether or not this relationship is something that can be saved. All the best,

Ryan
Ryan LCSW, Mental Health
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience: Individual and Family Therapist
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