Hey Dr Mark..
Sorry to be off grid so long today...crazy day!
How about "shit head deceptive self-indulgent pathetic narcissistic perfect store liar". We could refer to him as SHDSIPNPST Liar :D
Well I'll start with Bob, did I tell you that I answered the phone? I
did it for completely selfish reasons. I wanted to find out how much
he would lie to me... it made me feel empowered that I could see him
and the lies coming this time...he did not reveal that he had been
arrested 3 weeks ago for dui, resisting arrest, blowing a .198 blood
alcohol and racking up numerous traffic violations by drinking
drunk as a skunk. I did not reference it but just asked how this week
was looking (he had a court date on Tuesday - since the call on Sunday, the date was postponed). He referenced Jim about a couple of things like they were still friends (Jim refuses to have anything to do with him). He has no idea that I know all about the arrest and I did not let on that I did.
He told me that I was a most awesome and wonderful friend and that he loved me very much. I merely said "thanks". He also talked about being a "good person who never deliberatey hurt anybody"....he then asked me if I thought he was a good person. I told him that we all have our demons and that determination was between him and his God and not for me to say as my opinion matters not. Oh he didn't like that answer. He sought validation about numerous things and either did not say or changed the subject.
I will tell you that the moment I answered the phone I knew it was a
mistake in that he seemed rejuvinated that I talked to him..so in that regard I did damage by giving him that sense that he was ok and the rest of the world is f'cked... but at that moment I didn't care so much as I wanted some sense of my "normal" back and I wanted to feel in control and immune to his lies. So I decided the ends justified the means. I want to assure you that I have no romantic feelings of any kind for Bob. I find him to be a joke, a pathetic waste of humanity, and
SO want to call him every name in the book and reveal to him that I see who and what he is now and I will never be his friend. I didn't say all that because I felt it would give him the upper hand again...that's not reality, just feelings...
Anyway...now I am dealing with not only feelings of being gullible and naive to how this world operates but this also brings up so many feelings concerning my ex-husband alcoholic and how could I not
have seen thru Bob. I lived with an alcoholic for 18 years and it took me about 16 of those years before I ever realized that I was not the problem even though Mark had convinced me that everything that was wrong in his life was my fault. So I just kept pretzeling to try and fix it. I still dream about Mark on occassion and every time I do, its always the same type dream. He and I are back together and he tells me how unattractive I am to hi sexually and he has someone else. (I am actually tearing up as I'm writing this and I've been divorced over 12 years! ) I'm a fairly normal looking woman btw. Look younger than I am, slightly overweight (who isn't) but most would call me cute. About 2 weeks before Mark asked for the divorce, he asked me to go for a walk with him at the nearby state park one Sunday morning. I jumped at the chance since he hadn't done anything with me in several years.
We went to the park and was very blunt in telling me how sexually unattractive I was and that I made him miserable. The scars from all that still haunt me today and its the very type of thing that happens in those dreams. He ambushes me with very cruel actions after I think that he loves me again.
I tell you all this because I see that I have fallen for a similiar type of deception. The first night I was with Bob we were intimate. The next
morning I asked him if he had any thoughts about our chemistry after 36 years and he immediately told me to "whoa...don't put the cart before the horse...let's go slow." It seemed an odd response to me at the time and I chocked it up to being my fault. But now I'm thinking that he didn't really find me attractive or worth his time, I was just a port in any storm. I just can't seem to get my head around someone doing this to anyone, and that I had no clue! I have just come to accept that men are not going to find me attractive for some reason and that's fine. I have my dog. But I don't understand how I could not question or see the inconsistencies that kept me coming back for more. I fell in love this man and I was so competely duped. How can that happen to a reasonably intelligent, already been there and lived with an alcoholic, person be this duped??
Obviously Bob is not the "good guy" that he wants everyone to believe he is, but he has NO IDEA that damage he leaves behind in his wake.
So how do I get my sense that I can actually manuever thru this life without being a complete idiot when it comes to judging or ever trusting people every again?