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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Should I leave an emotionally abusive controlling person with

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Should I leave an emotionally abusive controlling person with out telling them, if they have never been physically violent beyond throwing stuff?...I am feeling guilty for planning the move in seceret.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

Anytime anyone is physically violent in a relationship, especially if they have ever hurt you directly (hitting, kicking etc), it is a good idea to leave the relationship. You don't need to tell them, just go. The reason I suggest you just leave is because anyone who is willing to hurt you and shows an ability to be that violent may act out if you tell them you are leaving them. You could potentially get hurt, maybe even worse.

Promising to change after a break up or even just after the person has hurt you is a classic abuse sign. It is an abuse cycle that most abusers use to keep you there with them so the abuse can continue. They may seem genuine and say all the things you want to hear, but it never lasts unless they get help themselves and accept responsibility.

If you have any supports, consider asking for help. Family and/or friends can be with you when you leave and even provide companionship as you make the transaction out of the relationship.

You should also contact your local or the national domestic abuse agency for help and support. Here is a link to the national hotline:

Also, here is further information about domestic abuse:

It is easy to dismiss a few instances of hitting, but usually abuse does not stop there. And if the abuser refuses to see that they are the problem and won't get help, the situation can easily get out of control. The barrier (guilt) that most of us have to prevent us from hurting others is not there with abusers so the potential danger is high for you. So you are saving yourself by getting out of there.

I hope this has helped you,
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