How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC Your Own ...

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5467
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
54658078
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I am a 47 year old female, 2 teenage children and divorced.

Customer Question

I am a 47 year old female, 2 teenage children and divorced. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 4 yrs. don't live together. He's still married tho separated and lives alone. He has 2 children, aged 9&12. We've had several ups and downs. He is also my boss. Why won't he divorce his wife? He works long hours, is studying a degree and has his own domestics and leisure time to fit in. I can't stay with him or go away on our own as my daughter 'hates' her father and refuses to stay with him. I support this. From past comments I think/feel/know my boyfriend resents having to come to my home/not have time away alone. I keep thinking he's keeping me as a future option and also, that his life would be better with someone more able/available to give him what he appears to want/need. Should I call it a day? Have tried before but we end up back together but I feel very inadequate and suspicious. Help!
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like there might be a couple of issues going on in your relationship. One is that your boyfriend doesn't want to accommodate your situation with your daughter. It is understandable that it's not easy to always come over your home. However, if he wants to see you he needs to understand that for now, this is how you need it to be. It won't always be like this.

To address this issue, you may want to try to makes some compromises. Maybe hire someone to stay with your daughter for a weekend, for example. Or allow her to stay with an older relative. Just so you can give your boyfriend some time. You may want to try this to see if it does improve things between you both.

The other issue is that your boyfriend has not let go and moved on from his wife. He is still legally married (even after 4 years), which means he cannot commit to you. Why he won't proceed is curious. He either is unsure about leaving her for good, likes the arrangement as it is (has a wife and a girlfriend, sometimes an ego issue for men) or he still wants to try to make things work with her. None of those are easy to consider, I know. However, the last thing you deserve is to be in a relationship with someone in limbo over their past relationship and who won't let go. You need to have him free to make choices with you and not tied to his past.

You may want to ask him point blank why the divorce is not taking place. You are with him in a relationship and he needs to be fair to you about where he stands with you. He would not like it if you were still tied to your ex, so you deserve the same consideration.

If you try both of these things with him and you get bad results (i.e. he refuses to tell you why he is not divorced and/or he won't compromise on the visiting at your home) then you may want to rethink the relationship. Although it is painful to consider ending the relationship, you have been with him for four years which is considered a long term and therefore committed. You should be getting more consideration and his full attention by now. If that is not happening, finding another relationship where you can get your needs met might be a better option.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5467
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 4 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you. He tells me there is nothing to be gained from divorcing her yet and I think he's scared that she'll be vindictive in terms of access to his children. He is extremely attached to his children and they to him but she gives limited access at present - a few hours at their family home on Thursday evenings and from lunchtime til 7pm on Sundays when he can take them where he wants. This time never includes me - I have briefly met his children twice. I believe his wife holds me responsible for their marriage breakdown and any subsequent girlfriends may allow him more access to his children, which he would love.
He says he's prepared to be patient and expects me to be. However, the fact that he's still married and they still have many attachments after all this time makes me feel anxious. Is he being reasonable and are my expectations too high? Helen
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

You're welcome, Helen!

 

It is understandable that he fears losing his privileges with his children, but he should be working that out with his attorney. No reasonable judge would take his children away unless their were serious issues and it does not sound like there is any, so that may not be a valid reason. It seems like there is more to this than he is telling you. Plus the fact that you have only a few very brief interactions with his children tells you that he is still firmly committed to his wife and what she wants.

 

Your expectations are definitely not too high. He won't leave his wife for some reason but it is probably not for the ones he told you. Does he expect you to wait until the kids are of age? That would be a good question to ask him. That is many years from now and not worth waiting for. He basically is asking you to put your life and expectations of a normal relationship on hold while he does what he needs to with his wife and kids. And that is not fair to you. He is either in or out of your relationship. Unfortunately, you may have to make that choice for him and move on if you want a more committed relationship from someone.

 

Kate

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education