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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1692
Experience:  Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
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Dear Dr. Keane, I am now trying to see what is out there on

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Dear Dr. Keane, I am now trying to see what is out there on the job market to try and at the very least replace the job I am going to lose or one that will be enough hours so that I might just have 1 job. I’ll admit it’s a bit scary, not least because it’s been quite a long time I have applied for a job and I’ve been in the same positions for a number of years now in my paid work. I am also a bit fearful of anymore disappointment, but even more so that I’ll apply, get a new job and then not like it or work with people who just aren’t good to work with. I know that is not always the case, but I suppose it comes from some experience. You see, now, I work with decent people in both jobs, but my first real job (after doing all the types of jobs you do when being a student) was full-time. I’d just finished studying and not long after got an office job, which sounded okay for a first job and I hadn’t really recognised it at the time, but I got really depressed. I could only cope with so much of someone being really two-faced. It was almost always better when this one person was out of the office, but that was so rare. I didn’t want to do much at the weekends because I became so miserable. There was also just so much guilt when I did do something because I knew how much I was not looking forward to going back to the office, and to think when I got offered the position I was so nervous, but also reasonably excited. It’s sort of hard even now thinking about it. It wasn’t until my last day when finally my manager said something. As soon as I left the positon I was in, and especially when I then got another job (the positions I am currently in) I felt so much better. Anyway, that’s the short version but any time I am looking at jobs it’s like sub-consciously this is still all at the back of my mind preventing me from just applying and thinking that everything just might be okay if I did get an offer. It’s not that I don’t have the need or desire, it’s just that I end up looking at a profile and think I can do some but not all that is required for a position, hesitate and then take little action and I think it might be because of what I’ve explained above. It’s taken me a while to actually recognise this myself and then to actually be able to know what to say. I think some way I need to address this problem, but I need help/support please.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 1 year ago.

Dr.Keane :

Hi, hopefully you will be online before I finish. The job market may be tough right now but I think it is a smart move on your part to start looking. Glad you recognize that your past experiences could hold you back from trying again but not anymore! You know that so you can now tell yourself you have the confidence and experience to try and find another job. It's pretty obvious that the job you had was not a good fit, but it was your first "real" full time job, and a very good example of how each experience teaches us something and as you go forward you get to know what you don't want in a job. Unfortunately, until you are working at a job for a bit, you don't really the people or their personalities.

Dr.Keane :

There are decent people in the workforce but we have to know how to deal with those who are not. Let me ask you this, Thinking back to your first job and dealing with someone who is difficult (two faced as you say) tell me how you would handle it differently today than you did then. What would some of your "self talk" about this situation be, how would you react to that person?

Dr.Keane :

We can chat about the rest of your post later

Customer:

Hi

Customer:

oh, just missed you, so sorry.

Customer:

I hope that we do manage to catch up later.

Customer:

I will most certainly give your questions some thought and get back to you. I am out and away from the computer until at least 8pm or 8:30pm my time. Say 8:30pm to be on the safe side. I have to go and do a bit of work but most certainly should be back by that time and I will answer your questions then....Hope you are having a good day. Talk to you soon.

Customer:

Hi

Customer:

I am here, can't for too long though I am afraid.

Dr.Keane :

I am here, saw you connect as I exited and it took me a long time to get back on, server must be busy...

Customer:

I too had problems trying to get in as well.

Customer:

I have read your questions.

Dr.Keane :

ok, I will check back later when you have had time to think about it , I'll try to get back when you are here later today but that is afternoon here and usually busy.

Customer:

I can try tomorrow if you like. I am in and out a lot though. I should be able to by 4pm tomorrow, but not any earlier.

Customer:

sorry, 4pm my time

Dr.Keane :

Ok, we'll catch each other either today or tomorrow....have a good day..

Customer:

usually Thursdays are quieter but got a meal arrangement.

Customer:

okay. Hope your day goes well and I will have a think about your questions.

Dr.Keane :

One thing, don't over think the question. What comes to mind first? Then how would you react. :)

Customer:

okay, I won't....Have a bunch of kids tonight so don't think I have time to over think :)

Customer:

So, to try and answer your questions.....I think that I would certainly try and deal with things differently and I would like to think that I might stick up for myself since I really regret not doing so. You see, back then there was a time when the boss had taken paperwork but hadn't told anyone. I got the blame for it not being in the file. I had obviously said something about how I hadn't got it, not that I was believed until the manager had returned with it in his hand. There were times when I was "picked on" by this woman. I mean you wouldn't have thought that she actually wanted there to be another member of staff, except she was the one with a huge hand in the hiring. It was a small company with an even smaller office, should have been nice, or so I thought. Anyway, sorry, I digress, not talked about it in such a long time. So, yes, there are many times when I wish now, and see now that I should have been much more confident.

Customer:

Hi

Dr.Keane :

hi, just thought I'd check back while I had a minute!

Customer:

sorry, trying to answer your question and then the phone went

Customer:

just reading over what I wrote.

Dr.Keane :

you were not confident because it was a new job, you had very little experience working in the environment and who is so confident that a new job doesn't cause angst along with being excited and happy. So, you should not have been confident then but you have learned a lot since that time and your confidence level has grown.

Customer:

so, I would also hope that I would see things in a different perspective and try and remember about myself and that the nice things aren't things to feel guilty about. I would hope that I would feel less angst. I mean, if I ever get a new job and I would hope that my self-talk would tell me that it is okay not to know exactly how to do things, and if the person showing how to do something wasn't patient (that person most definitely wasn't), that I would handle that better.

Dr.Keane :

Ever see the movie Sound of Music? sure you have....think to the scene where Julie Andrews is going to her first day of work , she burst into a song about having confidence......not sure how that came to mind, it just did!!! Not that I think you should run down the street singing however that was "self talk"....lol

Customer:

Yes I have seen that film

Dr.Keane :

yes.....exactly!

Customer:

Might get a few strange looks if I ran down the street like Julie Andrews did in that film

Customer:

:)

Dr.Keane :

back to the movie, as she approached the house she hesitated a bit and showed her angst....and I'm not sure, today people do a lot of "strange" things on the street!! They would think you were the start of a flash mob!!!

Customer:

Even way back then, and this just came to mind today at somepoint, I think I may have had some self-talk and at certain times strangely enough, that song sometimes came to mind.

Customer:

That is true, I have seen flash mobs on the internet.

Customer:

but yes I remember that scene.

Dr.Keane :

Well it left an impression....that is for sure, and with both of us! I'm glad that that song piqued a memory of good self talk.....maybe it should be your mantra

Dr.Keane :

on both of us...

Customer:

may be so. I really like that movie......nice that you do too.

Dr.Keane :

In regards XXXXX XXXXX future and a new job, it's okay to be unsure of what is expected. You learn as you go along, pertains to all aspects of life, work, play, home etc.

Customer:

yes, true.

Customer:

got that song and scene in my head now lol

Dr.Keane :

So your next step is to make sure you have your resume up to date.....and just start applying for positions that you find, you don't have to take a job just because it is offered either. Send out resumes and see what happens.

Customer:

yes, I have been thinking about how I really must update my resume.

Dr.Keane :

You have nothing to lose by applying for a position. If you let people know you are looking someone may have a lead for you to follow.

Customer:

you see I think as well because most of that position was so unpleasant that it sort of made me stuck

Customer:

I don't know so many people that I can try asking, just because of their positions, but then again, perhaps you are right. I don't think I'm always terribly good at the whole networking thing, but maybe I'll give it a try.

Dr.Keane :

Networking is a great way to get hired.....forget that, it is over, in the past and you were not the same person you are now, you were inexperienced. Use self talk to get you unstuck and then leave it in the past....has no relevance anymore.

Dr.Keane :

You will set yourself up to fail if you keep thinking you are not "good" at ......(fill in the blank). Can't look at life that way, there is nothing wrong with asking.

Customer:

You see, I don't ever actually mean to set myself up to fail.

Dr.Keane :

You have come so far in terms of self confidence and what is the worst that can happen? you don't get a job you applied for? someone says they can't help you? or some people won't give a friend a hand? it's all okay, but if you don't try...

Dr.Keane :

of couse you don't, it's the way you feel about yourself at times that allows you to feel limited in confidence. You have worked very hard on changing beliefs about yourself (the negative ones) so you just have to keep telling yourself that you are good at networking, you can ask around and see what's out there.

Dr.Keane :

I have to run, still at work.....will check back when I am done.

Customer:

ok

Customer:

so, back to the movie...she hesitates when she gets to the door, but because she has all this "good self-talk" in her, she goes forth and does the job anyway. I know that there have been many things I have hesitated at before, sometimes even the simplist of things, for example, making a phone call to someone I don't know, that sort of thing. I am sure I still hesitate but it's less obvious and if I do feel really nervous I often think what's the worst that can happen? And then do it anyway because it needs to be done. Or as a completely different example, always hesitate before making a GP appt. I know though that I will always at somepoint get that done.

Customer:

I am here, but just need to do something, won't be long.

Customer:

Well, I guess the worst that can happen if I don't get the job I applied for is that if it was one I really liked the sound of, I'd be disappointed for a bit and get on with the job that I do have, since it's luckily just one job I'll be losing, and take the salary cut. If someone can't help, then I'd probably think so-be-it and at least it was worth a try. if some people didn't give a friend a hand, that might be a little tough, depending on the people and may well leave me questioning the friendship.

Customer:

but I do know that somehow I always end up surviving one way or another.

Customer:

I do think that it would maybe help if I stopped thinking things like "what if a position arises and it ends up like the first one" as that does create plenty of nerves. It would probably also help if I stopped thinking things like "I'm not sure if I can actually do enough of the job stated on a spec or experience to apply".

Customer:

I know that it's most probably going to take time as well because the economic climate doesn't look like it's changing quickly and there are just more and more people joining the hunt for a new job.

Customer:

As it is late and I need sleep, I am going to sleep on all of this and f

Customer:

oops typo

Customer:

and try and get back to it on Thursday around 4pm. I am glad that we managed to chat today. Thanks!

Customer:

So, it's a new day and I have slept on all that was said yesterday. Hope we manage to catch each other today, but I also know that the biggest chunk of time I can be here is around 4pm and possibly 6pm. Got to meet up with friends tonight for dinner.....Anyway, as I say, I have been thinking about all of this and that I do most probably jeopardise myself, again without meaning to, end up being insecure and thinking that I can't do enough so therefore someone else with much more experience will get hired instead. Or at least that is certainly how I used to think but I do think that part of it has been that I feel quite anxious when job-hunting. I agree that I need to be pro-active and I have come to try and think about the fact that my first job has little relevance on how I am now and that I am somewhat different to then and now. Back then I never did really have enough confidence nor self-belief.

Customer:

I was thinking about self-belief and how I need to work more on that. Way back, long before talking to you or even knowing the existance of this website, I used to have all these thoughts pertaining to self-belief (hadn't ever realised that at the time, but then back then I'd never heard of self-talk as such) until things started to unravel, so then I simply decided to believe that I must have been wrong, so I stopped believing so much in myself to get me through the day. Obviously now, I have been working on self-belief again, but I sort of see now that perhaps I need to work on that "can do" attitude more.

Customer:

I look forward to your thoughts.

Customer:

During the course of the day today I have now started to research different layouts of CVs as sometimes trends in this changes and it has been quite some time since I have touched it. I have started to re-write it to try and make it look up-to-date. Anyway, sometime during the course of the day I was thinking again at what you said about getting my CV up-to-date and felt somewhat more pro-active about doing something about it.

Customer:

I am here online and can be until around 6pm my time today. Hope we catch each other.

Customer:

I am very sorry if I end up missing you, if you do get a chance to be online. I have had a prior arrangement to go out with people tonight for quite a long time. I do hope you understand and hope you don't think I am being difficult, I am not trying to be that's for sure. At the same time I do wish that I could be here to actually chat with you. I would like to chat at somepoint a bit more about this. I should be much more free next week if we don't manage to catch up again this week. I do however look forward in the meantime to your response to what I have written. I will of course make sure you are paid for this post too and will try to pay you a bonus as I really do appreciate the time that you do spend with me. Everything you say helps so much....I hope that you are having a good day.

Customer:

hi

Customer:

just thought I would check and see you are here :)

Dr.Keane :

Hi just reading ....

Customer:

go ahead, that's fine

Customer:

I hope what I wrote is ok

Dr.Keane :

ok, first thing that caught my attention that needs to be addressed.....your feelings on not having a friends help or influence and that it might have you questioning the friendship...

Dr.Keane :

Don't confuse being a friend with the job inquiry or help. You have to separate the two, if a friend is willing to help that is great, but it they don't you cannot transfer that disappointment to the friendship.

Customer:

well I mean I might not, but I might do, of course it may be the case as I am sure with many of them that they just won't actually be able to, depending on where they work etc.

Dr.Keane :

Why? there are many people who just don't mix personal with any type of business. It has nothing to do with how they feel about you or your relationship with them, they just don't. There are some that say oh, I'll get you a job or at least an interview and it never happens, how would that leave you feeling?

Dr.Keane :

angry? disappointed? absolutely.

Customer:

but yes perhaps I was being a bit too hard. That's true, I don't always mix business with pleasure, that really does depend on the people around on the business side.

Customer:

Yes it would probably leave me feeling angry, sad and disappointed.

Dr.Keane :

If someone has information about a job and offers it to you, say thanks and follow up. Don't personalize it.

Dr.Keane :

Right, depends on the people

Dr.Keane :

Ok, next "what if"....do you remember how to respond to "what if's"?

Customer:

hadn't really thought about it that way. The doing and the thinking aren't always the same. Now you say that. I can see that it shouldn't be personalised and perhaps if the situation arose I may well end up saying thanks, XXXXX XXXXX if they couldn't help and that be the end of the matter.

Customer:

yes I remember about the what ifs.....so what? should be the response right?

Dr.Keane :

yes, that's it. You don't want to lose friends over a situation like this and that is one reason many people do not recommend their friends for positions that would be a good fit for them.

Dr.Keane :

especially if it's in the same company

Customer:

yes that's true and a good point.

Dr.Keane :

What you are doing by chatting it up with your friends is networking, they may know someone or hear of something that they are not closely involved in and say, hey I have a friend looking, and then you have a lead.....the more people that know, the more chances you have of finding a new job. Also, social media websites, we have something called linkedin where you ask or are asked to Join someone's network..you'll find many people in the same field have a lot of connections and it grows and your name is XXXXX XXXXX

Customer:

and I suppose sometimes when mixing business with pleasure can sometimes change the relationship between people too, sort of like I know someone who works alongside a parent and although that seems to work well for them, but I can't imagine ever doing that, knowing it would never work.

Dr.Keane :

What if? right So what......again, if you spend too much time on the what if's you can't move in any direction, keeps a person stuck..

Customer:

Oh I have heard of linked-in, never quite knew how it worked. Just assumed it was for business people high up in their company or something

Dr.Keane :

Well working with family is another discussion altogether. lol, but I know what you are saying.

Customer:

I am sure it is, it was the only example I could quickly think of

Dr.Keane :

not at all, go on and look up some of your friends or your managers, teachers etc. You'll probably find some on site.

Dr.Keane :

your colleagues at work, even students looking for internships are on linkedin.

Customer:

I think here we also have a site where cv's can be uploaded onto a jobsite

Customer:

oh okay, I have only ever heard of one person talk about linked in before you see.

Customer:

so that is useful to know.

Dr.Keane :

you should get on line and search for some of these sites, they may be listed under categories.

Dr.Keane :

In the US it is very popular.

Customer:

I will do. I have already researched about the lay-out of cv online as I know trends of that changes and started to re-organise it.

Customer:

I don't know how popular it is here. Might be more popular than what I think. Well, possibly worth a try.

Dr.Keane :

you can also look for someone to help you with it, resume writers who will update and organize your CV

Customer:

ah now I did come across one site, but I really wasn't sure about it.

Dr.Keane :

that will cost you $$ but sometimes it's worth it. However, you are a writer, lets not forget that! You are capable of doing it yourself. Peruse the internet and look at sample CV's (which I believe you have already)

Customer:

yes I have looked at some sample CV's and saw what I think may be quite a good one as it shown how to add aspects of work done in a job that is extra to the job description.

Customer:

so that looked useful

Dr.Keane :

there is a ton of information you can use, just have to find the right words and put it together, sounds easy eh?

Customer:

I think that I am at the moment more in favour of trying it myself as I am also trying to save money for other things

Dr.Keane :

you can write it yourself, I don't think you'll have a problem. I have to exit in a minute....

Dr.Keane :

glad we were able to chat today..

Customer:

It often sounds easier than what it really is, but trying. Lots of jobs here often require an application form to be filled in as well so my thoughts are also that if I have my CV up to date then at least all the info is there

Customer:

Thank you for chatting.

Customer:

I too am glad we managed to chat a bit today too.

Dr.Keane :

All sounds easy in theory, it's putting it to task that is hard.....hope you have a lovely weekend....have fun and organize that CV!!!

Customer:

Thanks and hope you have a great weekend too.

Dr. Keane, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1692
Experience: Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
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